Holiday in Handcuffs


Melissa Joan Hart: I am an artist! I work as a waitress to support my painting! My parents don’t understand! Boo hooo hoooooo!

Markie Post: Hi, sweetie, it’s Mom, just calling to pressure you into living the life we want you to live, and reminding you that I’m a control freak. Don’t forget that interview your dad set up for you at a random company that will suck your soul. Then you can be successful like your sister and brother.

Melissa Joan Hart: Gah! Your phone call has caused me to leave in my home perm too long, though this is apparently 2007, so I’m not sure why I put in a home perm in the first place.

[she RUSHES to the interview, only to be VERY LATE and BARRED from coming in, though she WHINES a lot to try and CONVINCE the receptionist]

Melissa Joan Hart: Nooooooo!! This was my chance to live the life my parents want me to live! I guess I’ll just go work at my diner job. At least I have a boyfriend.

Her boyfriend: Oh, by the way, I only told you I’d come to your parents’ for Christmas so I could bone you. Later!!

Melissa Joan Hart: Whyyyyy?!?!? My life is a mess!! Wait, I know the BEST SOLUTION for this problem.

[she KIDNAPS a customer at GUNPOINT, though he has LARGE MUSCLES and could easily BEAT HER UP]

Mario Lopez: Hey! What are you doing? I was just about to propose to my girlfriend in a trashy diner, for reasons never ever explained.

Melissa Joan Hart: You’re coming with me! You have to pretend you’re my boyfriend! I’M NOT CRAZY!

[she successfully TIES HIM UP and BLINDFOLDS him, causing the GAS STATION MAN to think they are off for a KINKY WOODLAND ADVENTURE]

Gas Station Man: Here, have some fuzzy handcuffs that I happen to have. Everyone loves kinky!

[they get to her PARENTS’, which is OBVIOUSLY out in the STICKS so no one can LEAVE]

Melissa Joan Hart: Hey, parents. My boyfriend sometimes likes to pretend he’s been kidnapped, so if he says anything of that nature, just laugh.

Her Parents: That sounds entirely plausible!

Mario Lopez: I’ve been kidnapped! Your daughter’s insane!

Her Parents: Oh, you!

[everyone’s KEYS and PHONES are hidden by the KEYMASTER, so no one can be DISTRACTED from the HOLIDAY CHEER or the LOVE, but Melissa Joan Hart KEEPS hers SECRETLY]

Mario Lopez: Give me your phone! I need to make a call!

Melissa Joan Hart: Never!!!! My best dish in Home Ec was beef tenderloin!*

[she SMASHES the phone with a MEAT TENDERIZER]

Mario Lopez: Dang!!

[he EVENTUALLY gets a phone from her BROTHER and calls his GIRLFRIEND, who calls the COPS after he convinces her he’s not LYING because SERIOUSLY who would BELIEVE that]

Mario Lopez: Ha HAAA! Now the cops are on their way, so I will be the best boyfriend ever instead of trying to escape and your parents will be all sad when they find out you’re crazy.


Melissa Joan Hart: How glad I am that I kidnapped such an adorable man!

Mario Lopez: I am starting to like it here!

Melissa Joan Hart: My favorite Christmas was the one where my dad made the patio into an ice rink. Those were happier times, when my parents didn’t expect so much of me.

[the GRANDMA tries to LEAVE but Mario Lopez STOPS her so everyone KNOWS he is NICE]

Mario Lopez: In case you weren’t sure I am nice, here…I made the patio into an ice rink, just like your favorite Christmas. Also, I liked your paintings. Also, I will fake-propose to you to please your parents.

[Melissa Joan Hart SKATES and is CONFUSED by her FEELINGS]

Markie Post: Okay, time for dinner! No bombshells, now!

The Sister: I’m dropping out of law school and opening a Pilates studio!

The Brother: I’m gay!

Markie Post: I hate our marriage! I have to picture Clint Eastwood just to get through our annual birthday sex!*

The Dad: Me too! Just the marriage part, not the Eastwood part.

The Grandma: I’m drunk!!

[the COPS bust in and ARREST everyone for KIDNAPPING and they all go to JAIL]

Melissa Joan Hart: Sorry. Maybe this wasn’t the best solution after all.

[many MONTHS later]

Melissa Joan Hart: Hey! I have an art show!

The Brother: That’s awesome. Too bad you don’t talk to our family anymore.

[he SECRETLY invites them to the ART SHOW and everyone HUGS and meets the brother’s GAY BOYFRIEND and LOVE him]

Melissa Joan Hart: Oh, look. There’s a picture of the dude I kidnapped in the paper. Why do I have these FEELINGS???

The Mom: You should tell him. There’s nothing wrong with having feelings for a man you kidnapped to show your parents that you’re not a loser. Nothing AT ALL.

[Mario Lopez SHOWS UP at the art show and “KIDNAPS” her in an ADORABLE way]

Mario Lopez: Look, I made this studio with my architecture skills. Now we can be creative and love each other.

[they KISS and it is WEIRD]

1 comment:

Emily Sue said...

You don't know how bad I wanted to see this. I forgot to DVR it. Dammit!!! This sounds like a do-not-miss.
Maybe it will get a theatrical release sometime soon?