[it is NEW YORK]
Joan Crawford: Stay very still, my friend, whilst I paint you for a magazine. Listen to the beautiful music playing on my rec- HEY!
Dana Andrews: Hi, honeybunch. I turned off your record so I could talk to you.
Joan Crawford's BFF: Let me just grab my coat and go. I'm on my way to the Biggest Shoulderpads in the World Competition.
Dana Andrews: Now, listen, sugarplum, I gotta be with you. I don't care about my wife or my kids or anything. Just you.
Joan Crawford: That's too bad, since I have a dinner date. I need to go change.
[she CHANGES into literally the EXACT SAME DRESS but with SPARKLES on it]
Dana Andrews: Fine. Just don't get too deep into it.
Henry Fonda: Hello. I love you.
Joan Crawford: You're just talking crazy because you're an ex-GI who designs yachts and whose wife died. All of those things...they're making you crazy! But I like it.
[Dana Andrews is back at HOME, where his FAMILY is CRAZY]
Shrewish Wife: Why are you always gone? Why aren't you here with me and the girls?
Dana Andrews: Well, the SEC -
Shrewish Wife: OH GOD I'LL NEVER REMEMBER THAT!* Just talk to me about other things.
[she BEATS their younger DAUGHTER for an UNSPECIFIED reason, and then they all go to the STORK CLUB, where they RUN INTO...]
Joan Crawford: Ha! We're leaving! Damn him!
[some sort of SUBPLOT involving a JAPANESE DUDE and his FARM allows Dana Andrews to go to CALIFORNIA and come back]
Dana Andrews: Okay, I'm back.
Joan Crawford: Okay, I'm married. We're moving to the cape.
Dana Andrews: Let's all just have a drink and sort this out.
Henry Fonda: I'll divorce her whenever she wants. But I do love her. I guess.
Joan Crawford: I want another martini.*
[NOTHING is settled AT ALL]
Dana Andrews: [on phone] You mean more to me than my whole family!
Shrewish Wife: GAAAAH!!! I'm divorcing you! And I'm dragging HER name through the mud while I'm at it!
[there is an ACTUAL TRIAL with WITNESSES and EVERYTHING, even though it is a DIVORCE]
Dana Andrews: I can't put you through this!
Joan Crawford: Leave me alone!
[she RUNS AWAY to the CAPE and CRASHES her car in a HILARIOUS manner]
Dana Andrews: Okay, do you love me?
Henry Fonda: Or me?
Joan Crawford: You can both leave!!
[only Dana Andrews LEAVES because Henry Fonda KNOWS in his HEART that she LOVES him or something]