The Orphanage (El Orfanato)

[it is an ORPHANAGE]
Orphanage Lady: Laura! Come inside! Since you're the only "normal" child who lives here, you've been adopted! Let the other, subpar children play together.
[many YEARS later]
Laura: Hey! Remember that orphanage I used to live in? Let's buy it and make it a home for other children with special needs.
Laura's Weirdly Irish-Looking Husband: That's a great idea. I sure hope nothing creepy happened there after you got adopted.
Simon, Laura's 6-year-old Son: Can my imaginary friends come too?
Laura: Well...I guess so. Here, take your as-yet unexplained medication.
[they start to hear CREEPY NOISES in the house]
Simon: I have a whole BUNCH more imaginary friends now!!
Laura: This concerns me. Why don't you go play in that dangerous tidal cave?
[Simon finds another IMAGINARY FRIEND inside the cave]
Weird Lady: Hi. Can we talk about your son's file? I'm a social worker. For real.
Laura: Sure, come on in and have a cup of --waaaaaiiiit aaaa miiinnnute. Simon's file has been closed for years. He doesn't know that he's adopted, or that he is HIV positive.
Weird Lady: Oh. Ok. Bye.
[Laura LOCKS the file in a DRAWER with the most ELABORATE KEY EVER]
Simon: My friends want to play a game. They take something you love and then you have to find it! Look, they took my coins!
[they RACE around looking for the COINS, which are hidden in the VERY SAME DRAWER the file was in]
Simon: You're not my mother! You're a liar!*
Laura: Uh...yeah. Sorry. Can we have the opening party for the new children's home now?
[they have a PARTY with MASKS, which always leads to CONFUSION and/or HEARTBREAK]
Laura: Hey, where's Simon?
[she LOOKS for him, but finds only a WEIRD KID with a STRAW MASK who shuts her HAND in the bathroom DOOR]
Laura: Seriously, where's my kid?
[they look EVERYWHERE but he is TOTALLY GONE]
Police Psychologist: We'll try to find him, and this weird lady you mentioned.
Laura's Husband: Here, wear my St. Anthony medal. Give it back when you find Simon.
[Laura SEES the WEIRD LADY on the street, but only SECONDS before she gets PLOWED DOWN by a VAN]
Laura: Her whistle is the same whistle I hear in my house.
[she tries to TOUCH it, but the WEIRD LADY, who looks SERIOUSLY DEAD, grabs her hand and it is CRAZY SCARY]
Laura: Okay, time to bring in a psychic.
[they hire a PSYCHIC and her NERDILY HOT ASSISTANT to figure out what's GOING ON]
Psychic: I hear them! The children! Someone's poisoned them!
Police Psychologist: We figured out who that weird lady was. She had a son who also lived at the orphanage, but he was hideously deformed and wore a straw mask. Some of the other children accidentally killed him.
[Laura goes SEARCHING for why the WEIRD LADY might have been nosing around and finds HUMAN REMAINS of the other orphans hidden in a CREEPY SHED]
Laura: Oh...the spirits are sad because the weird lady killed them with poisoned blackberries in retribution for her son's death. I know what I have to do, and I must do it while wearing this oddly attractive orphanage attendant uniform.
[she sets the ORPHANAGE up the way it was in the PAST so the SPIRITS feel at home, and they APPEAR and lead her to the BASEMENT, where she finds her son's CORPSE wearing the STRAW MASK, because he FELL DOWN the STAIRS and DIED]
Laura: Noooooooooooooooooo!!!!!
[she FLINGS off the MEDAL as her SON and the other ORPHANS gather around her and it is OBVIOUS that she just KILLED HERSELF]
Laura: I will take care of you now.
[Laura's Husband GAZES at a MEMORIAL for Laura and ALL THE ORPHANS, and then finds the MEDAL on the ground, and KNOWS in his HEART that they are REUNITED, so maybe that means it's NOT SAD, even though it IS]


Emily Sue said...

"Why don't you go play in that dangerous tidal cave?"

My favorite part. Seriously, what the hell? Why would any parent send their kid into a cave alone?? But it was incredibly creepy.

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

I totally want to see this movie after reading the ultra-condensed review even though I actually screamed out loud when you attempted to describe it to me in person (which probably does not bode well for my actual viewing of it).