I Am Legend

Will Smith: Come, my faithful dog, the only living being I trust in this, a world in which I am somehow the only survivor of a mass epidemic of a manmade virus. That will all be explained in time. Let us travel about Manhattan, which has been partially reclaimed by nature.
[they go to the FLATIRON BUILDING and TIMES SQUARE and everyone is like WHOA because there is GRASS there in the MOVIE but not in REAL LIFE]
Will Smith: Why, hello there, mannequins. I talk to you because there is no one else to talk to.
Will Smith: Quick! We must return to our home by nightfall, trusty dog, for the Dark Seekers will find us and eat us if we don't. To Washington Square!
[they ENCLOSE themselves in his POSH TOWNHOUSE and listen as the INFECTED howl outside their WALLS]
Will Smith: Damn these nightmares of my past!!
Will Smith: Get off the island! Go upstate! Manhattan is being quarantined!
Will Smith's Beautiful, Ethnically Ambiguous Wife: But why? Why can't you join us?
Will Smith: As you saw on the Time magazine cover earlier, I am both a scientist and a soldier. This virus is my mistake. I must fix it.
Will Smith's Ridiculously Adorable Child: Take my puppy, daddy.
[he AWAKENS in the FUTURE and goes down to his LAB, where he is testing CURES for the virus on SCARY RATS]
Will Smith: This one appears to be promising. Moving on to the human trials.
[he and his DOG go to a SCARY WAREHOUSE to collect some DARK SEEKERS for trials and it is SUPER SCARY but finally he TRAPS one]
Will Smith: I wonder why that other Dark Seeker poked his head out into the light and watched me construct this trap, even though they react badly to UV light. Oh well. I'm sure it won't affect me.
[he TRIES to cure the VIRUS but almost gets EATEN by his TEST SUBJECT]
Will Smith: Well, off we go again to rummage for supplies, my faithful companion.
[they see one of the VIDEO STORE MANNEQUINS near Grand Central Station, which is WEIRD because he DIDN'T put it there, so he goes to INVESTIGATE and is TRAPPED in the same manner he trapped the DARK SEEKER]
Will Smith: Strange. They must be learning...
[he PASSES OUT and dreams of the PAST]
Soldier: I need to scan all your retinas for the virus, and if you fail, you stay on the island.
[Will Smith's wife FAILS the TEST]
Will Smith's Beautiful, Ethnically Ambiguous Wife: Noooooooooo!!!
Will Smith: I am a lieutenant colonel!! SCAN HER AGAIN!
[they DO, and she PASSES, and gets on a HELICOPTER]
Will Smith: [AWAKING in the TRAP] Oh HELLLLLL no.
[he FREES himself but then STABS himself in the LEG somehow, which only makes it EASIER for the CRAZY VIRUS DOGS to sniff him out]
Will Smith: Must...get...to...car...
[the CRAZY VIRUS DOGS attack HIS dog and everyone is like SHIT because you know he's going to have to KILL her and then he will have NO ONE at whom to direct his OCCASIONAL wisecracks]
Will Smith: Nooooooooooooooooo!!! My wisecracks were so few and far between as it was!
[he takes her HOME and EUTHANIZES her and it is REALLY SAD]
Will Smith: I have nothing! Nothing!!!
[he REMEMBERS how the HELICOPTER containing his wife and child EXPLODED]
Will Smith: I'm going down to the pier and taking out some Dark Seekers, though I know it will be my death.
[he PLOWS DOWN a bunch of Dark Seekers in his CAR and the LEADER ONE is about to BITE his FACE but then a LIGHT shines]
Mysterious Woman: Come with me.
Will Smith: Wait until it's light out to go home or they'll follow us. I'm serious. I wouldn't be saying this if it wasn't VERY IMPORTANT.
[they go HOME and she makes some POWDERED EGGS and they all watch SHREK and talk about BOB MARLEY and how he loved PEACE]
Mysterious Woman: Come with my son and me to the survivors' colony in Vermont!
Will Smith: That doesn't exist. Everyone is dead. Don't you remember? I'll give you some more exposition, though we are in the third act of this film. Wait, what's that noise?
Mysterious Woman: Oh...when you said, "wait until it's light out," did you really mean that? Because I didn't really do that.
[they are SURROUNDED by Dark Seekers and it is GROSS]
Will Smith: It's cool. I planned for this.
[he BLOWS UP a bunch of them with REMOTE DEVICES and they all RUN to his LAB, pursued by like a MILLION Dark Seekers]
Mysterious Woman: Look! The cure you thought wasn't working is totally working!! You did it!
Will Smith: Here, take a vial of her blood and hide in the wall. I will give myself up to the
Dark Seekers, and also explode some more of them, since there really hasn't been a whole lot of that in this movie.
[he SACRIFICES himself, though it's not clear WHY that's necessary, but the MYSTERIOUS WOMAN and her SON make it to VERMONT and it is PRETTY]


Russell said...

So once again they make a movie based on this book and yet don't actually use the ending wherein the title is explained. Brilliant! Might as well just call it "Big Willie's Apocalypse."

Movie Maven said...

I've never read the book, but I just read a synopsis of it and it sounds INCREDIBLE. Way cooler than the movie.

Although, to be fair, they threw in a line at the end about him being a legend because he blew himself up. Concessions were made, I guess.

Movie Maven said...

Also, I think "Big Willie's Apocalypse" is Will Smith's next album and/or porn film.

Emily Sue said...

The CGI Darkseekers were the most ill-advised creatures ever put in a movie. Will someone explain to me how anyone could have thought these would be preferable to actual human beings acting all scary like in the first two versions of this movie?