11.25.2007

Marci X

I actually really liked this movie.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is NEW YORK]
Lisa Kudrow: Hello, Jews. Thank you for coming to this luxurious Upper East Side humanitarian benefit gala to honor my father, the most wonderful white man of all and the owner of FeldCo.
Conveniently Placed News Report: FeldCo is being disparaged by a U.S. Senator! Let's go to the scene.
Christine Baranski: This rapper is offensive to all human beings, everywhere! There is a song called "I Love You Because I'm High" on this album! FeldCo owns the record label! Boycott all FeldCo products!
Team of Lawyers: This won't do at all! Our money can't buy us out of this jam!
Lisa Kudrow's Dad: Gahhh! I'm having a heart attack! I wish I had a son who could take care of this problem.
Lisa Kudrow: I can do it!
LK's WASP-y friends: Prove him wrong! Go tell that rapper what's what! Where is he?
Lisa Kudrow: Uptown. All the way.*
[they go to a CONCERT filled with many BLACK PEOPLE and somehow end up ONSTAGE while Damon Wayans PERFORMS a song called "The Power in My Pants"]
Damon Wayans: Bitch, I ain't apologizin' for SHIT. Unless you can rap.
Lisa Kudrow: Well...maybe I WILL.
[she RAPS POORLY but then PERFORMS a song called "The Power in My Purse," causing the CROWD to CHEER]
Damon Wayans: Fine. I'll go to your cracker-ass public service announcement.
[he TAPES a PSA with a BOY BAND, but TRICKS them into singing LYRICS about how GAY they are]
Lisa Kudrow: Oh, you!! Well, let's try again. Come with me to a fundraiser to support CWHNFITA - Children Who Have No Feeling In Their Arms.
[he DOES, and CHARMS the WASP audience by being SEXY and BLACK]
Sheri Renee Scott: He's a player!*
Jane Krakowski: We're his bitches!!*
[they go to a CLUB, where the WHITE GIRLS get HIGH and do an AFRICAN DANCE that is first REJECTED and then ACCEPTED by the crowd]
Yolanda: Puta! You have stolen my man! Now we fight!
[Lisa Kudrow CLOCKS her in the FACE with a TAE BO move and is ARRESTED]
Damon Wayans: Yo, baby, I'll bail you out. Do you like my shirt with the biggest zipper pull in the world?
Lisa Kudrow: Uh...yeah.
Damon Wayans: You was mad sexy when you beat up that chick last night. You wanna go back to my place?
Lisa Kudrow: Yes! Will you sing a nice song on the VMAs instead of a violent one?
[they GET IT ON]
Large Suge Knight-esque Man: What the fuck, yo? Why are you with this white chick?
Damon Wayans: Don't worry, I got this.
[he PERFORMS on the VMAs and sings a song called "I Love You (In The Butt)"]
Christine Baranski: Oh my! Scandal! A hearing! A hearing!
[they have a HEARING in which they trick WHITE AMERICA into believing that "in the butt" is an EBONICS term meaning "with respect"]
Christine Baranski: I don't buy it!!
Damon Wayans: I have a better idea...
[he RECORDS a song for the SENATOR]
Christine Baranski: This is the catchiest song ever!!
[she CANNOT HELP but DANCE]
Damon Wayans: You liked that song, right? Nice dancing!
Christine Baranski: Wait, how do you know that???
Her Son: I taped you so I could meet that boy band. I'm latently gay! Hahahahaaaa!!!
Lisa Kudrow: We blackmailed you and won! Hooray!
[she and Damon Wayans MAKE OUT in the COURTROOM]
Lisa Kudrow: I'm going to start a hip-hop fashion line!
[they all do a FUCKING AWESOME number that wraps up ALL the storylines]

Other notable hilarity that didn't fit in here:
--Photo of Lisa Kudrow's mother, who was killed by a leopard, in her coffin, in a leopard skin coat.
--Dress worn by Yolanda made of those "Parental Advisory" labels.
--WASP-y friend, on heroin: "But does the weight stay off?
--Senator, on being a prude: "There are millions more like me. It's called Utah."

8 comments:

hot-ham-water said...

this was truly amazing! but as i kept reading i really began to think you made this whole thing up...i mean how did this cinematic masterpiece actually get pitched, picked up and made- and with so many "celebrities?!"

Movie Maven said...

This is how I imagine the pitch meeting: "Okay, so remember how rich white people and black gangsta rappers are different? Let's explore that, and involve Lisa Kudrow."

hot-ham-water said...

well that's how a lot of those meetings go i imagine, except in the '80's it was molly ringwald.

BeckEye said...

My roommate was watching this the other day. I tried to join, but I could only take about 10 minutes of it.

I much prefer "Malibu's Most Wanted," which was much fizzunier than I thizzought it was gonna be.

Movie Maven said...

ooh...that will be up next, provided it's randomly on basic cable at some point in the near future.

Tanya Rose said...

Sorry I'm a little late here, but that...was...brutal...I'm shocked, actually.

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

I love that you liked this movie. I wonder if I would like it if I watched it now. Here is what I wrote when I reviewed it for a local paper in college:

A subtle, biting satire about the appropriation of black culture in American society… oh wait, that’s a different movie. Lisa Kudrow ill-advisedly stars as a young, Jewish socialite who is forced to take over her father’s rap record label for two weeks. Non-hilarity ensues. Damon Wayans is particularly painful in what may be the strangest character choice in history: as the World’s Most Famous Hardcore Gangsta Rapper, Wayans gives us a dead-on Michael Jackson impersonation. Unfortunately, even the comedic genius of Christine Baranski as a right-wing senator couldn’t save this train wreck of a movie. The editing is terrible and the jokes are offensive and at 84 minutes, it’s about an hour too long.

What up, harshness?

Movie Maven said...

as the World’s Most Famous Hardcore Gangsta Rapper, Wayans gives us a dead-on Michael Jackson impersonation.

I loved that he did this. I don't know why.