[it is SOUTH AFRICA]
The Egyptian John Stamos: See you later, completely legitimate conference colleagues! I'm getting a call from my wife!
Reese Witherspoon: Hello, it's me, your glowingly beautiful pregnant wife. I am here with our adorable child. Are you coming home soon?
The Egyptian John Stamos: Yes, I'll see you at the airport. Not that THOSE are famous last words or anything.
[it is NORTH AFRICA]
Jake Gyllenhaal: Sigh. It's so tough being a crazy hot CIA agent, especially when my foxy coworker is naked in my bathroom. Well, off to another day of analyzing stuff. Time to go meet some Egyptian government official.
[they get BOMBED on the way to meet the OFFICIAL and his colleague DIES from SHRAPNEL]
That One Guy Who's In a Bunch of Stuff: Okay, kid, you're in charge now, though you've apparently never led any sort of...well, anything. I'm just going to call Meryl real quick and let her know what's up.
Meryl Streep: Seize someone! Anyone! An agent has died! This is ridiculous! I'm Southern!
[it is ELSEWHERE IN NORTH AFRICA]
Government Official's Really Pretty Teenage Daughter: How I love you, rebellious youth! Take me away on your moped where my stern father will never find us!
Rebellious Youth: That I shall do, most beautiful one. Though we are young, we speak beautifully in subtitles.
[it is BACK IN AMERICA]
Airport Security Official: Excuse me, sir...we have...uh...a message. For you. Yeah, yeah, an emergency message.
The Egyptian John Stamos: What?
Airport Security Official: Yeah, it's, uh, right over...PSYCH!!
[they put a BAG over his HEAD and BASICALLY KIDNAP him, though they are the GOVERNMENT, and also DELETE the fact that he was on the PLANE, which is apparently REALLY EASY]
Reese Witherspoon: Hmm. My husband isn't back. I'm going to assume something crazy is going on and contact my friend who conveniently works for a senator. Stay here, son. Mama's goin' solvin'.
[she PRINTS something VERY INTENSELY, then goes to WASHINGTON and is all PREGNANT and SAD]
Peter Saarsgaard: Hey...so...we obviously have some history...but we're not here to talk about that. So apparently your husband wasn't on the plane at all.
Reese Witherspoon: No! Look!! He bought duty-free items IN FLIGHT. HARD EVIDENCE!!! Capital One proves it!!!!
Peter Saaaaarsgaaaard: I'll talk to my boss.
[back in NORTH AFRICA]
Government Official: Let's go question that guy we brought in.
Jake Gyllenhaal: I would like to know more about the ways of torture. May I join you?
[they go to a GROSS PRISON and TORTURE The Egyptian John Stamos, who is NAKED and SCARED]
Jake Gyllenhaal: Wow. Torture sucks.
[elsewhere in NORTH AFRICA]
Government Official's Really Pretty Teenage Daughter: I will hide away with you! I believe what you believe! But what happened to your brother? And what is this mysterious notebook?
Rebellious Youth: Don't look in that notebook. Ever. It's...totally boring. And my brother? He, uh...hey, look over there!!
[it is AMERICA, for better or for worse]
Peter Saaaarsgaaard: Hey, remember the constitution?
Meryl Streep: Hey, remember 9/11?
Alan Arkin: As your boss, Saarsgaard, I command you to remember 9/11 and the fact that no one really *needs* civil liberties. They're just nice to have. Go tell your friend.
Reese Witherspoon: So, did you find anything out?
Peter Saaaaaaaarsgaaaaaaaaaaard: That's classified.
Reese Witherspoon: What the fuck?
Sympathetic Secretary: The head CIA woman will be here tomorrow. Maybe you should come and cause a scene.
Meryl Streep: Who is this person? Remove her, please.
[is is NORTH AFRICA again, where The Egyptian John Stamos has been in a FUCKING HOLE]
The Egyptian John Stamos: Fine! Fine! I did it! I helped the terrorists! Here's some names!!
Jake Gyllenhaal: Something is rotten in the state of Denmark.**
[he GOOGLES the names and finds out they are a SOCCER TEAM]
Jake Gyllenhaal: He lied! He's a good guy! He has a wife! I'm going to help him!
[it is elsewhere in NORTH AFRICA]
Rebellious Youth: Let's go to a meeting. It's not for anything crazy.
[it is CLEARLY an EXTREMIST group meeting]
Government Official's Really Pretty Teenage Daughter: Um...this is maybe not such a good idea.
[she looks in his NOTEBOOK and finds out that her DAD killed his BROTHER and he is out for REVENGE, so she runs through the STREETS, until she is in the PLAZA where the BOMBING happened...just BEFORE the bombing]
Audience: Ohhhhhhh...I see what happened there. Temporal shift. Cool.
Government Official's Really Pretty Teenage Daughter: Don't do it!!
Rebellious Youth: Okay.
[he gets SHOT but still ACCIDENTALLY releases the BOMB TRIGGER as he DIES]
Government Official: [running up the STAIRS to the rebellious youth's apartment] Noooooooooooo!!!!!!!! My daughter!!!!!
[it is a DOCK]
Jake Gyllenhaal: Later, man. I'll probably get fired or tried for treason or something, but it's worth it for you.
[back in AMERICA]
Meryl Streep: Shiiiiiiiiit.
Reese Witherspoon: You're back! And look, we have a non-gender-specific baby!
Moral of the Story: Always purchase something from SkyMall.
**Not a direct quote, but he does bring up Shakespeare. Not Hamlet, though. I think it was Merchant of Venice. Something about being on the rack.