11.04.2007

1408

Edit: I totally forgot to mention here that what I watched was the "Director's Cut" (available for purchase on your cable provider's pay-per-view system), which is apparently vastly different/far more depressing/probably better than the original theatrical release that Laura refers to in her comment. (So, no, Laura, it wasn't the beer talking.) For more info, check out the surprisingly accurate Wikipedia page.
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[it is the WOODS]
John Cusack: Though I am a city boy, I shall stay in many hotels in outlying areas in search of paranormal activity. Perhaps it will take my mind off my past tragedy, which I will not reveal yet.
[he WRITES many CYNICAL chapters about supposedly HAUNTED hotels]
Tony Shalhoub: I'm your surprisingly easily-pleased publisher! Write me some books!!
John Cusack's Sole Fan: I really liked your novel. Was it autobiographical at all?
John Cusack: I'm going to say "no," with the very apparent meaning of "yes" behind it.
[he goes SURFING and TOTALLY WIPES OUT]
Mysterious Postcard: Don't stay in Room 1408.
John Cusack: I'm gonna stay in Room 1408, though it means going to New York and facing my past tragedy, which is still secret.
Samuel L. Jackson: Seriously, dude. Don't stay in the room. It's an EVIL FUCKING ROOM.*
[John Cusack INSISTS on staying there, AGAINST ALL LOGIC]
John Cusack: [speaking into his TRUSTY TAPE RECORDER] This isn't so bad. I mean, the paintings are kind of lame, but I wouldn't call them evil, necess--
[some FUCKING CRAZY-ASS SHIT happens, including a COUNTDOWN TIMER on his alarm clock, accompanied by CARPENTERS songs, as well as some BACKGROUND about his DEAD DAUGHTER, ESTRANGED WIFE, and OLD FATHER]
John Cusack: Whaaaaaaaaa?!?!
[he TRIES to SIGNAL to a GUY across the STREET, but it turns out he is SIGNALING to HIMSELF]
John Cusack: Whaaaaaaaa?!?!?!??!?!?!
[he gets CHASED by a SCARY FUCKING DUDE in the VENTS]
John Cusack: WHAAAAAAAAAAA?!?!?!
[he TRIES to ESCAPE by climbing to the NEXT ROOM, but it DOESN'T EXIST]
John Cusack: WWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAA?!?!?
[he is SWEPT AWAY in a TIDAL WAVE that is TOTALLY INSIDE his GODDAMN ROOM]
John Cusack: Fuck.
[he WAKES UP on the BEACH where he was SURFING]
Estranged Wife: You're okay now.
John Cusack: Hooray! I escaped. I shall write about this new life I found after having been through Hell and back, possibly literally.
[he goes to the POST OFFICE to mail his MANUSCRIPT, but it gets DESTROYED and he is STILL in Room 1408]
John Cusack: Noooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!
John Cusack's Dead Daughter: Daddy, I love you.
[she CRUMBLES into a PILE of ASHES]
Creepy Voice on Phone: You can choose to relive this hour over and over again, or you can use our Express Check-Out Option.
[there are NOOSES EVERYWHERE]
John Cusack: If I'm going down, I'm taking you with me!!!
[he makes a MOLOTOV COCKTAIL with this BOOZE that Sam Jackson gave him and BURNS TO DEATH]
John Cusack's Estranged Wife: Noooooooooo!!!! I just realized I still love you!!!
Samuel L. Jackson: Here are some things your husband left in our hotel.
John Cusack's Estranged Wife: No, thank you. Those things are creepy.
[Samuel L. Jackson LISTENS to the TAPE RECORDER and sees a SCARY THING in his rearview mirror]
Samuel L. Jackson: I want these motherfucking spectres out of my motherfucking car!

2 comments:

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

HOLY SHIT THAT SOUNDS TERRIFYING

Anonymous said...

Wait...John Cusak dies? I thought he was okay at the end, with his estranged wife but then heard the voice of his daughter on a tape recorder? I mean, I know I saw it at the Brew N View so I was drunk and all-too-ready for "I Know Who Killed Me," the second film of the double-feature, but that's what I remember!!!

-Laura