Narrator: A long time ago, there was a princess who lived underground, and she died, but her spirit lived on. This is the story of that spirit.
Ofelia: Oh, how I do love fairy tales. But only the sort of gross and scary ones.
Ofelia’s Mom: Put those books away! I am pregnant! Be nice to your stepfather, the Captain, as he basically bought us.
[they ARRIVE at the house and the CAPTAIN checks his WATCH, because he is BASICALLY in LOVE with it]
The Captain: You are late, but I will be exactly as much of an asshole as I would have been had you been on time.
[he KILLS some PEASANTS just for the HELL of it]
Ofelia: Wow, this sucks…really bad. Perhaps I can find somewhere fanciful to escape this shitty existence.
[she sees a HUGE-ASS BUG and follows it into the WOODS]
Mercedes, the Maid: Don’t go into the woods! There are revolutionaries in there! I am telling you this because I HATE revolutionaries! Really bad! Hate! For real!
Doctor: Yep, me too! Hate those revolutionaries!
[the HUGE-ASS BUG returns and TRANSFORMS into a FAIRY, who leads Ofelia to a LABYRINTH]
Scary Faun: Hola. Bienvenidos a mi laberinto. Are you not scared of me? I am huge, and do not look real.
Ofelia: I don’t really do scared.
Scary Faun: Ho ho ho! I see now who you are! You are the dead princess, come back to us! Si! But I am not all the way sure. Here, take this crazy book, for it will tell you what you need to do before the next full moon. We fairytale folk love us a lunar calendar.
[Ofelia takes the CRAZY BOOK and leaves the LABYRINTH, running into Mercedes bringing FOOD to the REVOLUTIONARIES]
Mercedes: Please don’t tell your father!!
Ofelia: He’s not my father!!! I hate him and will keep your secret. Now, let me consult this book.
[words APPEAR on the PAGE as if by MAGIC, because it IS magic]
Ofelia: I have to put three magical stones into the mouth of the frog who lives under the fig tree and retrieve the key he keeps in his belly. Sounds easy!
[she COMPLETES the task and it is REALLY GROSS]
Scary Faun: Okay, good job, but you still have two more tasks.
Ofelia: But I’m worried about my mom! She’s sick!
[the Scary Faun gives her a MANDRAKE ROOT that looks like a FREAKY BABY and she puts it UNDER her mom’s BED]
Ofelia’s Mom: Che misterioso! I am miraculously getting better!
[meanwhile, the RATIONS TRAIN is EXPLODED by the forest revolutionaries, who then AMBUSH the Captain and his MEN]
The Captain: Grrr! Capture one of them alive! I shall torture him myself for answers.
Captured Rebel: S-s-s-sorry, Captain. I s-s-s-stutter.
The Captain: Your stuttering offends me! More torture!!
Doctor: Don’t worry, I am good and will help you at my own peril.
[he DOES, and the Captain KILLS him]
The Captain: Damn, what if I need a doctor later? Whatevs, I can handle it all myself. I AM AMAZING.
[meanwhile, back in Ofelia’s ROOM]
Scary Faun: Okay, now you need to take that key from the frog’s belly and go to this room with a banquet. The fairies will help you. But don’t eat anything!!! Seriously, NOTHING. Don’t eat ANYTHING.
Ofelia: Uh, okay.
[she goes to the BANQUET ROOM, where there is a SCARY PALE MAN who does not MOVE or SPEAK and has no EYES]
Ofelia: Thank you for helping me, fairies. I have the dagger. Now I’m juuuuuuust going to have a grape.
Fairy: [CHITTERS excitedly as if to SAY] Noooooooooooooooooo!!!
Ofelia: Dude, it’s just a grape. [she EATS it]
[the SCARY PALE MAN puts his EYEBALLS in his HANDS and LOOKS at her with his HAND-EYES, then EATS a FAIRY and starts to CHASE Ofelia]
Ofelia: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!! Why did I eat that grape?!?!?
[she NARROWLY ESCAPES]
Scary Faun: You broke the rules!! You are not the princess!! GO AWAY!!!!
The Captain: Why is there a mandrake root under my wife’s bed? WHAT SORT OF WITCHCRAFT IS THIS???
Ofelia’s Mom: Magic doesn’t exist.
[she throws the FREAKY MANDRAKE BABY into the FIRE, not knowing that it REPRESENTED her own BABY, and goes into LABOR]
Ofelia: Well, this sucks. No fairy realm, and now my mom’s dead. At least my little brother survived, though he’ll probably grow up to be a monster like his father.
The Captain: Mercedes, I know you are helping the revolutionaries. Now I must kill you.
Mercedes: Not before I stab you and slit you in the mouth like a fish, bastard!!
[she ESCAPES, and the Captain must STITCH his own WOUND because he SHOT the doctor earlier]
The Captain: How long did you know she was helping those revolutionaries??
Ofelia: Long enough to know that they are right and you are wrong, and also long enough to spike your drink with mom’s medicine, suckaaaaa!
Scary Faun: I will give you one more chance. Bring your baby brother to the labyrinth, and that dagger.
Ofelia: You’re not going to hurt him, are you?
Scary Faun: Uh…no.
[she RUNS to the LABYRINTH, pursued by the Captain, and everything is all DARK]
Scary Faun: Okay, now we have to open this portal to get back into the underground realm. We just need the blood of an innocent. Give me your brother.
Ofelia: No way!! I would give up my throne to protect him!
The Captain: Ha ha!! I found you!
[he SHOOTS her in the STOMACH because he is a TERRIBLE PERSON]
The Captain: Now I’ll just be taking my son and be off.
Revolutionaries: Yeah…that’s not happening.
[they CAP his ASS]
Scary Faun: You passed the final test! Welcome to the underground realm! You are back on your throne! Hooray!
Ofelia [in underground realm]: How beautiful!
Ofelia [in real world]: [dies]