Pan's Labyrinth

[it is SPAIN, 1944]

Narrator: A long time ago, there was a princess who lived underground, and she died, but her spirit lived on. This is the story of that spirit.

Ofelia: Oh, how I do love fairy tales. But only the sort of gross and scary ones.

Ofelia’s Mom: Put those books away! I am pregnant! Be nice to your stepfather, the Captain, as he basically bought us.

[they ARRIVE at the house and the CAPTAIN checks his WATCH, because he is BASICALLY in LOVE with it]

The Captain: You are late, but I will be exactly as much of an asshole as I would have been had you been on time.

[he KILLS some PEASANTS just for the HELL of it]

Ofelia: Wow, this sucks…really bad. Perhaps I can find somewhere fanciful to escape this shitty existence.

[she sees a HUGE-ASS BUG and follows it into the WOODS]

Mercedes, the Maid: Don’t go into the woods! There are revolutionaries in there! I am telling you this because I HATE revolutionaries! Really bad! Hate! For real!

Doctor: Yep, me too! Hate those revolutionaries!

[the HUGE-ASS BUG returns and TRANSFORMS into a FAIRY, who leads Ofelia to a LABYRINTH]

Scary Faun: Hola. Bienvenidos a mi laberinto. Are you not scared of me? I am huge, and do not look real.

Ofelia: I don’t really do scared.

Scary Faun: Ho ho ho! I see now who you are! You are the dead princess, come back to us! Si! But I am not all the way sure. Here, take this crazy book, for it will tell you what you need to do before the next full moon. We fairytale folk love us a lunar calendar.

[Ofelia takes the CRAZY BOOK and leaves the LABYRINTH, running into Mercedes bringing FOOD to the REVOLUTIONARIES]

Mercedes: Please don’t tell your father!!

Ofelia: He’s not my father!!! I hate him and will keep your secret. Now, let me consult this book.

[words APPEAR on the PAGE as if by MAGIC, because it IS magic]

Ofelia: I have to put three magical stones into the mouth of the frog who lives under the fig tree and retrieve the key he keeps in his belly. Sounds easy!

[she COMPLETES the task and it is REALLY GROSS]

Scary Faun: Okay, good job, but you still have two more tasks.

Ofelia: But I’m worried about my mom! She’s sick!

[the Scary Faun gives her a MANDRAKE ROOT that looks like a FREAKY BABY and she puts it UNDER her mom’s BED]

Ofelia’s Mom: Che misterioso! I am miraculously getting better!

[meanwhile, the RATIONS TRAIN is EXPLODED by the forest revolutionaries, who then AMBUSH the Captain and his MEN]

The Captain: Grrr! Capture one of them alive! I shall torture him myself for answers.

Captured Rebel: S-s-s-sorry, Captain. I s-s-s-stutter.

The Captain: Your stuttering offends me! More torture!!

Doctor: Don’t worry, I am good and will help you at my own peril.

[he DOES, and the Captain KILLS him]

The Captain: Damn, what if I need a doctor later? Whatevs, I can handle it all myself. I AM AMAZING.

[meanwhile, back in Ofelia’s ROOM]

Scary Faun: Okay, now you need to take that key from the frog’s belly and go to this room with a banquet. The fairies will help you. But don’t eat anything!!! Seriously, NOTHING. Don’t eat ANYTHING.

Ofelia: Uh, okay.

[she goes to the BANQUET ROOM, where there is a SCARY PALE MAN who does not MOVE or SPEAK and has no EYES]

Ofelia: Thank you for helping me, fairies. I have the dagger. Now I’m juuuuuuust going to have a grape.

Fairy: [CHITTERS excitedly as if to SAY] Noooooooooooooooooo!!!

Ofelia: Dude, it’s just a grape. [she EATS it]

[the SCARY PALE MAN puts his EYEBALLS in his HANDS and LOOKS at her with his HAND-EYES, then EATS a FAIRY and starts to CHASE Ofelia]

Ofelia: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!! Why did I eat that grape?!?!?


Scary Faun: You broke the rules!! You are not the princess!! GO AWAY!!!!

The Captain: Why is there a mandrake root under my wife’s bed? WHAT SORT OF WITCHCRAFT IS THIS???

Ofelia’s Mom: Magic doesn’t exist.

[she throws the FREAKY MANDRAKE BABY into the FIRE, not knowing that it REPRESENTED her own BABY, and goes into LABOR]

Ofelia: Well, this sucks. No fairy realm, and now my mom’s dead. At least my little brother survived, though he’ll probably grow up to be a monster like his father.

The Captain: Mercedes, I know you are helping the revolutionaries. Now I must kill you.

Mercedes: Not before I stab you and slit you in the mouth like a fish, bastard!!

[she ESCAPES, and the Captain must STITCH his own WOUND because he SHOT the doctor earlier]

The Captain: How long did you know she was helping those revolutionaries??

Ofelia: Long enough to know that they are right and you are wrong, and also long enough to spike your drink with mom’s medicine, suckaaaaa!

Scary Faun: I will give you one more chance. Bring your baby brother to the labyrinth, and that dagger.

Ofelia: You’re not going to hurt him, are you?

Scary Faun: Uh…no.

[she RUNS to the LABYRINTH, pursued by the Captain, and everything is all DARK]

Scary Faun: Okay, now we have to open this portal to get back into the underground realm. We just need the blood of an innocent. Give me your brother.

Ofelia: No way!! I would give up my throne to protect him!

The Captain: Ha ha!! I found you!

[he SHOOTS her in the STOMACH because he is a TERRIBLE PERSON]

The Captain: Now I’ll just be taking my son and be off.

Revolutionaries: Yeah…that’s not happening.

[they CAP his ASS]

Scary Faun: You passed the final test! Welcome to the underground realm! You are back on your throne! Hooray!

Ofelia [in underground realm]: How beautiful!

Ofelia [in real world]: [dies]

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