I hope this version doesn't make this movie sound bad, because it's FUCKING AWESOME.
[it is TEXAS]
Tommy Lee Jones [VO]: Time passes. Things happen. I talk now, but you don't see me for a while in this movie. That's just what goes on.
Deputy Sheriff: Yeah, I have everything under control here. I've got a vicious criminal, and he's handcuffed, but not in a cell or anything, so I know he's TOTALLY secure. Totally.
[Javier Bardem STRANGLES him with the HANDCUFFS until his NECK is BLEEDING PROFUSELY, then STEALS a PATROL CAR and pulls over a RANDOM DUDE and SHOOTS HIM with an AIRGUN]
Javier Bardem: Si, I know the movie has just begun, but you must understand: soy loco.
Josh Brolin: [HUNTS for a while to ESTABLISH the MOTIF of HUNTER/HUNTED] Hmm...what are those vehicles over there? Perhaps I shall investigate.
[he finds the REMNANTS of a MASSACRE, and also a FUCKING LOT of COCAINE]
Dying Mexican: Agua...agua.
Josh Brolin: I ain't got none. I gotta find whoever did all this shootin'.
[he follows a TRAIL OF BLOOD and finds a DEAD GUY with a SATCHEL of CASH]
Josh Brolin: Certainly no harm could come of me taking all this cash.
Kelly McDonald: Where have you been? What's in that satchel?
Josh Brolin: It's full of money. Now that I have returned home, I realize that I should have given that dying man some water. I'm going to return to the massacre site and bring him some.
[he is AMBUSHED by Javier Bardem and some WHITE DUDES, who then get SHOT with the AIRGUN]
Josh Brolin: Uh...later.
[he RUNS AWAY, but is PURSUED by a DOG who LEAPS AMAZINGLY and chases him ACROSS A FUCKING RIVER, but then he SHOOTS it and goes HOME]
Kelly McDonald: What the fuck?
[meanwhile, at the SHERIFF'S office]
Tommy Lee Jones: Okay, so we got some dead Mexicans, some dead managerial types, and a psychopath on the loose.
Comic Relief Deputy: Sure is a mess, sheriff.
Tommy Lee Jones: Well, if it ain't, it'll do 'til the mess gets here.*
[back in the TRAILER PARK]
Josh Brolin: I have a plan so we can keep the money. Go to your mom's.
[he puts her on a GREYHOUND and goes to a MOTEL and HIDES the MONEY in a VENT]
Javier Bardem: Ah, the trailer park, which I located via the registration on the truck of the man who took the money. I shall investigate.
[he drinks some MILK and steals the PHONE BILL]
Javier Bardem: Del Rio. Si. Vamos.
[he goes to the MOTEL, which he FINDS using a TRANSPONDER in the SATCHEL]
Josh Brolin: I know someone is trying to find me. I shall consult this map of the motel to determine from which room I may extract the cash.
[while he DOES SO, Javier Bardem SHOOTS some more RANDOMS]
Javier Bardem: My rules are muy facil. If you see my face, I kill you.
[back at the TRAILER PARK]
Tommy Lee Jones: This is strange. The lock has somehow been blown out of the door. Let's talk to the wife.
[he ALSO drinks some MILK]
Comic Relief Deputy: How are we supposed to find this guy? Look for someone who has recently drunk milk?
Tommy Lee Jones: We'll get him.
[back in some OTHER TOWN]
Josh Brolin: I will check in to this shady motel. Surely the maniac whose money this is could not have followed me here.
[he HAS, and is in the HALLWAY and it is the WORST ANTICIPATION EVER but Josh Brolin JUMPS out of the WINDOW and they CHASE each other through the EMPTY STREETS]
Javier Bardem: Mierda. I have been shot. I need to procure some drogas. But how will I distract the people in the pharmacy?
[he BLOWS UP a FUCKING car]
Josh Brolin: Must....hide....money....
[he LIMPS across the MEXICAN BORDER and throws the SATCHEL in a FIELD by the RIVER]
Mariachi Band: Medico?
Josh Brolin: Si.
[in some OFFICE]
Stephen Root: Please go find this psychopath and my money.
Woody Harrelson: Cool. Also, I am in this movie.
[Woody Harrelson TRACKS him DOWN but gets SHOT anyway]
Javier Bardem: Bring me my money, and I promise I will not kill your wife.
Josh Brolin: We'll see about that, sucker.
[he DOES NOT make a DEAL with the CRAZY DUDE]
Tommy Lee Jones: Listen, your husband is in bad trouble with a really bad dude. Also, here is a story about a slaughterhouse that shows how chance basically rules everything. Pretty grim, eh? So, where is he?
Kelly McDonald: Your story was nice, but I still don't know where my husband is.
Josh Brolin [on phone]: Meet me in El Paso.
Kelly McDonald: He's going to El Paso. Don't hurt him.
[Tommy Lee Jones goes to EL PASO, but it is TOO LATE and Josh Brolin is DEAD]
Tommy Lee Jones: Perhaps I shall take a nighttime constitutional around this crime scene.
[Javier Bardem is HIDING in the DARKNESS but does NOT kill him because it is AGAINST his RULES]
Kelly McDonald: I wish we never found that money.
Javier Bardem: I have found you. And now I must kill you, since I promised your husband I would if I did not get my money.
Kelly McDonald: Okay, that's a really fucked-up set of rules.
[presumably, he SHOOTS her too]
Javier Bardem: I have my money. I have adhered to my rules. Si. Bueno.
[he gets BROADSIDED by a TRUCK]
Kid on a Bike: Hey mister, you got a bone sticking out of your arm!!
Javier Bardem: Sell me your shirt, and then I shall walk away from this accident, down this suburban street, and into la puesta del sol.
[he DOES, and the kid has NO SHIRT anymore]
Tommy Lee Jones: Well, that sucked, and now I'm retired. Here are some dreams I had.