Bright Young Things
[it is 1930s LONDON]
Emily Mortimer: Oh my god! Partying and being rich is so awesome! Where's my boyfriend?
[he is on a SHIP and going through CUSTOMS, where his MANUSCRIPT is CONFISCATED]
Michael Sheen: Where's my boyfriend? A ha ha ha ha haaa! Guess what? I'm gay!!
Agatha: Where are we off to, to continue our night of decadence and grandeur? Do you like my very, very blunt bangs?
Some Random Girl: Come to my house!! You guys are cool!!
[it turns out that HER HOUSE is the PRIME MINISTER'S HOUSE because she is his DAUGHTER and it is SCANDALOUS]
Dan Aykroyd: I am Canadian and I run this newspaper conglomerate and publishing empire! Where's your book?
Stephen Campbell Moore: Um...it got confiscated.
Dan Aykroyd: Well, figure something out! I need a hundred pounds or a book!
Stephen Campbell Moore: Hello, darling, I can't marry you just yet, I've got no money.
Emily Mortimer: Oh dear! I'm so terribly English that I can't tell you how put out I am!
[he goes to his FAVORITE HOTEL and has some DRINKS]
Ginger: Bet you can't do this trick.
Stephen Campbell Moore: Bet I can. Now give me a thousand pounds.
Jim Broadbent: I'm a MAJOR!! I'm drunk, but I got a hot tip on a racehorse! Now give me a thousand pounds.
Stephen Campbell Moore: Hmmm...I'm completely broke except for this thousand pounds I won, and I don't know this guy, or the horse. Sounds like a good plan!
[obviously, the MAJOR leaves with the MONEY]
Emily Mortimer: Why don't you go ask my crazy, but rich father for some money. You'll need to go up to his big old house, though.
Peter O'Toole: Hello! I'm old and crazy! Here's a check for a thousand pounds! But I signed it with Charlie Chaplin's name! Ha ha ha!!
Emily Mortimer: Oh my! That didn't work! Let's go to another party!
James McAvoy: But I'm not invited because I'm a gossip columnist and everyone's mad at me, even though I am adorable!
Stephen Campbell Moore: Hold on, I'll call and see if you can come. [he CALLS]
No, you can't.
[everyone goes to the PARTY, including James McAvoy, who is wearing a HILARIOUS WIG and BEARD]
Hostess/Mother of Michael Sheen: Have some more drinks and cocaine, everyone!! And now, a speech from an American evangelist for some reason!
Stockard Channing: You're all sinners!! SINNERS!!!!!
Hostess/Mother of Michael Sheen: That's enough of that. [the BAND starts up]
[they all DANCE]
Prime Minister: Look! It's the gossip columnist!
James McAvoy: Fuck you all.
[he goes HOME and writes a SHOCKING, though COMPLETELY FALSE article about the PARTY and then KILLS himself by STICKING his HEAD in the OVEN]
Dan Aykroyd: You're the new gossip columnist, kid! Just don't write anything that'll get us sued, or I will use my brash Canadian personality to reprimand you.
Stephen Campbell Moore: I know...I'll MAKE UP a bunch of people!!
[he DOES and it is POPULAR, and they go to the HORSE RACES that he SUPPOSEDLY bet a THOUSAND POUNDS on]
Stephen Campbell Moore: Look! The drunken major! Maybe he bet my money!
Ginger: Hello, I'm back in the movie.
Emily Mortimer: Hello, you are rich. Let's ride in your car.
[she goes back to LONDON with GINGER and gets ENGAGED to him, like, IMMEDIATELY]
Stephen Campbell Moore: I am sad now.
Michael Sheen: My boyfriend is driving in an auto race! Let's all go and pretend we're on his pit crew!
Stephen Campell Moore: Oh my god! Look! It's the major!
Jim Broadbent: I bet all your money on the horse! You won 33,000 pounds!
Stephen Campbell Moore: Hooray! Let's get drunk!
[they DO and then AGATHA has to DRIVE the RACECAR because she is wearing the SPARE DRIVER ARMBAND and she DRIVES AWAY and GOES CRAZY]
Stephen Campbell Moore: Now I can't find that drunken major! I need that money!!!
Michael Sheen: Let's go visit Agatha in the mental hospital. Also, I am wanted for gayness. I need to go to France.
Emily Mortimer: I don't love Ginger, but I have to marry him for his money.
Stephen Campbell Moore: But I have 34,000 pounds...somewhere.
[he goes back to the HOTEL, where the PROPRIETRESS asks him to PAY his LARGE BILL]
Ginger: Listen, stay away from my woman.
Stephen Campbell Moore: Pay my bill and I will. You can buy her from me.
Radio: We're at war with Germany!!
[Stephen Campbell Moore is DRAFTED and ends up in FRANCE, while his EX-GIRLFRIEND has had a BABY and is living at the HOTEL]
Jim Broadbent: Well, hello there, sonny! Don't I know you?
Stephen Campbell Moore: You owe me 34,000 pounds.
Jim Broadbent: 34,000 AND FIVE!!!!! NEVER FORGET A DEBT!!!* Did you hear the hotel got blown up?
[he writes him a CHECK while they are on a BATTLEFIELD and then gets BLOWN UP and Stephen Campbell Moore RUNS AWAY to ENGLAND]
Stephen Campbell Moore: Hey, we're in Dover at the customs house! Look, it's my manuscript!! I shall return to London and visit Ginger and my so--I mean his son.
Ginger: Hi. I ran out of money. Emily Mortimer is working at a factory.
Stephen Campbell Moore: She's ALIVE? Here, I will pay you 34,005 pounds for her and my so--I mean your son.
Ginger: Awesome! Now I can be a war racketeer!
Emily Mortimer: Hello, I'm hom--oh. It's you. Though I had no idea you would be here, I will show no surprise at all.
Stephen Campbell Moore: I bought you back. Oh, and I found my manuscript, but I burned it, as it represents the old crazy party life we used to live.
Emily Mortimer: Do we have any money left? No? That's okay, I have learned that there are more important things that money. Though not many.