11.24.2007

The Mist


[it is the TRANQUIL MAINE COUNTRYSIDE]
Thomas Jane: Oh, how I enjoy living in peace and serenity and painting all the livelong day! I am a native of this small town, yet my Maine accent is practically non-existent. But that's okay.
TJ's Wife: Oh my! A storm!
[they RETREAT to the RELATIVE SAFETY of their basement, but when they wake, they find DESTRUCTION]
Thomas Jane: Well, I'm going to go talk to our cityslicker neighbor about this fallen tree, even though we are enemies.
Andre Braugher: Oh, are we friends now? Cool - can I get a ride into town?
Thomas Jane: I shall put our acrimonious past behind us.
TJ's Son: Daddy, why are all these soldiers driving around?
Thomas Jane: Probably something to do with that mysterious military base. I'm sure it's nothing.
[they go to the GROCERY STORE, which is FULL of people from ALL WALKS OF LIFE who all need INTRODUCTION]
Cute Girl Cashier: Hey, soldier.
Featured Soldier: Hey. Let's set up our relationship real quick so we can make out later.
Marcia Gay Harden: Well, that's not very...Christian. PS, I'm a Christian.
Townspeople: Hubbub! Hubbub! Some storm! What about that mist outside! Crazy weathe --
Eyebrows Man: AAAAAAA!!!!! Something's in the MIIIIIIIST!!! Lock the doors!!!
Some Dude: What? No! I gotta go!
[he goes INTO THE MIST, only to DISAPPEAR, screaming]
Everyone: Maybe we should stay inside. Thomas Jane, as you are handsome and able-bodied, you shall be our de facto leader.
[Thomas Jane goes into the STOCKROOM and hears SOMETHING EVIL]
Thomas Jane: I heard something banging on the doors. Something...IN THE MIST.
Townie Jim: Pshaw! Ain't nothin' out there, just some mist. Ordinary mist.
Stupidly Brave Bagboy: I'll go outside and check it out. I'm sure it's nothing.
[he STARTS to go out, but is GRABBED by a HUGE FUCKING TENTACLE that takes a BITE out of his LEG]
Thomas Jane: This is no ordinary mist.*
[they BATTLE the TENTACLED THING, but the bagboy is DEVOURED]
Thomas Jane: Hey, neighbor! There's something with tentacles outside. You're a hearty fellow - what say you help us with it?
Andrew Braugher: I didn't see any tentacles! This is no time for jokes!! Why do you townspeople hate us city people so?? Take sides, everyone! Take sides!
Marica Gay Harden: Take this side OF THE LORD!!!!
[they all TAKE SIDES, and some people LEAVE at their own PERIL]
Thomas Jane: Well, tie this rope around yourself and then we'll know how far you got. I'm not really sure how that will help us, exactly, but we'll know...how far...you got. That's pretty much it.
Biker Dude: I'll do it. I believe in a non-vengeful god.
[he goes a WAYS, but then the rope goes SLACK, and when they pull it in, only his LEGS remain tied on]
Marcia Gay Harden: The first sacrifice!! This is the Lord's punishment!!!
Everyone Else: Ugh, shut up. Let's pile dog food bags on the windows so whatever's out there can't get it. Dog food is impenetrable, and this grocery store has, like, 8000 bags of it.
Townie Jim: We're setting up some lights over here in case anything gets in.
[meanwhile, in the BREAKROOM]
Cute Girl Cashier: Hey, soldier.
Featured Soldier: Hey. How's about that making out?
Cute Girl Cashier: Okay, but only for a minute. Then we have to return to this situation of dire peril. I don't think either of us will die, though. Not after we were established as cute.
[a HUGE FUCKING BUG hits the store window]
Everyone: AAAAAA!!!!!
Thomas Jane: They're attracted to the light! Turn off the lights!!
Townie Jim: What?? Turn on the lights?? Okay!
[they all try to KILL the bugs or RUN AWAY, but the bugs are FUCKING HUGE and are soon joined by CRAZY DRAGON CREATURES]
Thomas Jane: Here, light this mop soaked in gasoline on fire! But be careful not to knock over the bucket of gasoline or set yourself on fire!
[one guy does JUST THAT]
Marcia Gay Harden: The Lord!! The Lord's vengeance!!!
Blonde Woman: I have a gun! Shoot the damn things!
Assistant Manager: I'm good with guns! I wonder if that fact will be useful later as well...
[they SUBDUE all the creatures, but only AFTER the cute girl cashier is STUNG and DIES]
Featured Soldier: Nooooooo!!! We only kissed!!
[everyone goes to SLEEP and one lady KILLS herself in DESPAIR]
Thomas Jane: Okay, I know this guy who set himself on fire has third-degree burns on 97% of his body, but I'm sure that if we go to the pharmacy and get some antibiotics, he'll be fine. Let's go!
Marcia Gay Harden: You're endangering the rest of us! The Lord hates you!!
[they go ANYWAY, and find that the PHARMACY is covered in BUG NEST]
MP Guy Entangled in Bug Nest Fibers: I'm sorry! It's our fault! I'm so sorry!
[he EXPLODES with hundreds of BUG BABIES, which are joined by MORE HUGE BUGS]
Thomas Jane: We gotta go.
Eyebrows Man: Fuckers.*
[they return SAFELY to the grocery store, where the JESUS CREW is gaining POWER]
Thomas Jane: Okay, soldier. What the fuck is going on?
Featured Soldier: Fortunately, I am the only surviving soldier, and I didn't really know what kind of research was going on at the base, so I can't really give you a good explanation. Something about alternate dimensions or something. It's actually not that important.
Marcia Gay Harden: I am the Lord's vessel!! He speaks through me!! KILL THE SOLDIER!!!!
Townie Jim: I have found the Lord, and he says I should KILL YOU!!!
[the MOB of INSANE CHRISTIANS basically FEEDS the featured soldier to the HUGE FUCKING BUG outside]
Blonde Woman: Maybe we should make a run for it.
Sassy Grandma: I'm in. I'm so sassy.
Thomas Jane: Don't tell Marcia Gay Harden, though. We'll sneak out.
[they HIDE some bags of FOOD by the REGISTERS and make a PLAN to leave]
Marcia Gay Harden: Stealing food, are we? Why don't you believe in the Lord?? Take sides, everyone! Take sides!
Thomas Jane: Why is everyone so divisive around here? Damn you, human nature!! You are CRAZY, lady!!
Marcia Gay Harden: Crazy...about JESUS!! Now we need another sacrifice! KILL THE BOY!
Thomas Jane: Oh HELL no!
[a BRAWL breaks out in which the Assistant Manager ends up SHOOTING Marcia Gay Harden DEAD because she is SHOUTING about JESUS and the RAPTURE]
Everyone in the Movie Theater With Us: [cheers]
[Thomas Jane and some OTHERS go to his CAR, but Assistant Manager and some other guys get EATEN by EVEN BIGGER BUGS than the ones before]
Thomas Jane: Well, I guess it's just us, my son, blonde woman, sassy grandma and eyebrows man. Let's just drive until we run out of gas. I better bring this pistol, though.
[they DRIVE for a while and see THE HUGEST FUCKING BUG YOU CAN EVER THINK OF towering over their CAR as a symbol of HOPELESSNESS]
Thomas Jane: This is not good.
[the CAR runs out of GAS]
Thomas Jane: This is REALLY not good.
[they all just LOOK at each other for a REALLY LONG TIME because they all KNOW they're SO DEAD]
Thomas Jane: Okay, there are only four bullets.
Blonde Woman: But there are five of us.*
Thomas Jane: Thanks for reminding me. Okay. Let's do this. I know we just ran out of fuel, like, a minute ago, but we might as well get it over with, right?
[he SHOOTS all of them and then CRIES out in ANGUISH because he's an ORDINARY man in an EXTRAORDINARY circumstance]
Thomas Jane: COME ON!!!! COME ON!!!!
[a TANK appears instead of a HUGE FUCKING BUG because the ARMY has contained the THREAT]
Thomas Jane: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

1 comment:

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

Oh my god, this is (a) the weirdest possible premise for a movie (ok, that is actually not true if you have ever seen a 1950's science fiction movie) and (b) the most depressing-sounding movie ever (even more depressing that Margot at the Wedding which was extremely depressing).