Girl With a Pearl Earring
[it is HOLLAND back in the DAY]
Scarlett Johansson's Blind Dad: Here's a tile I painted once. Sorry you have to go work as a maid.
[she goes to her NEW HOUSE, which has a MILLION KIDS in it]
Jolly, Plump Cook: Here's all the shit you have to do. Go sleep in the basement.
[Scarlett Johansson TOILS at housework whilst wearing a CAP]
Scarlett Johansson: Hello, Madam.
Lady of the House: Do not speak to me! I am pregnant with my 87th child, but am only 29! My icy beauty defeats your voluptuousness!! Go get me some meat.
Mean Child: Yeah, get us some meat!
[she goes to the MEAT STALL and shows that she means BUSINESS by SMELLING the meat]
Cillian Murphy: Hello there, maid. Do you like my long, luxurious locks? They are for you. As is my meat. Heh, heh.
[the Lady of the House has the BABY and IMMEDIATELY becomes PREGGERS again]
Jolly, Plump Cook: We have to throw a party for the new baby and the new painting. But be wary of that patron...he likes to get maids pregnant.
[they have a PARTY and it is FUN for everyone who is NOT a SERVANT]
Colin Firth: Though I am first billed, I have said very little to this point. I enjoy the way the light plays across your face as you clean the windows, maid.
[she is SKETCHED OUT but he is HOT and also has LONG, LUXURIOUS LOCKS]
Scarlett Johansson: I have work to do...but I do so love to learn about painting! I am so torn.
The Lady of the House: I am suspicious of you, but I do not know why.
[they have ANOTHER PARTY in which the PATRON treats Scarlett Johansson in a DISRESPECTFUL manner]
Colin Firth: I will not have that sort of behavior. I shall paint her...alone.
[they are ALONE in his STUDIO and it is SCANDALOUS]
Colin Firth: Take off your cap.
Scarlett Johansson: I can't!! I will make a turban out of these scraps of cloth.
[as she does so, he SPIES on her and sees that she, too, has LONG, LUXURIOUS LOCKS...the HOTTEST HAIR in all of HOLLAND]
The Lady of the House: Bring me my pearl earrings!
Colin Firth: Look! They are the perfect accompaniment for my painting!
The Lady of the House: I am scandalized!
Colin Firth: Pierce your ears and wear the earrings. It MUST BE.*
Scarlett Johansson: You looked inside me.*
[the PAINTING must be REALLY GOOD, but she will NOT pierce her EARS]
Tom Wilkinson: I want to bone you, but I think you are boning the painter. Now I shall try to rape you. Tell no one or you're fired.
[the MEAN CHILD sees the ATTACK and stores it AWAY for FUTURE USE]
Colin Firth: Okay, we really need to finish the painting. My mother-in-law is on our side. You need to pierce your ears.
Scarlett Johansson: You do it. It will be more allegorical that way.
[he DOES and it is SENSUAL or something]
Scarlett Johansson: All this near-rape and ear-piercing has gotten me hot and bothered. I'm going to go find the butcher's son and let him do me in an alley.
Cillian Murphy: Marry me.
Scarlett Johansson: [LEAVES in silence]
[the MEAN CHILD sees the EARRINGS exchanged and somehow KNOWS that that means something SCANDALOUS is GOING ON]
The Lady of the House: Let me see the new painting!! I am ugly with rage now instead of beautiful with no feeling!
[she LOOKS at the PAINTING and throws a TANTRUM and tries to DESTROY it with a PALETTE KNIFE]
The Lady of the House: GET OUUUUUUUTTTTT!!!
Scarlett Johansson: [LOOKS at many things in a SAD MANNER]
Jolly, Plump Cook: Here, I brought you the earrings and the turban cloth. Laters.
Editor of Film: Look! The actual painting! LOOK AT IT! LOOOOOK! This movie was based on HISTORY!!!!