[it is THE FUTURE]
Scrolling Marquee Exposition: This is the future. There are crazy robots that are indistinguishable from humans. Only the BLADE RUNNER SQUADRONS can differentiate them from people.
[many shots of FUTURE LOS ANGELES are shown to establish the FUTURENESS]
Edward James Olmos: [says something in a CRAZY FUTURE LANGUAGE and makes some ORIGAMI]
Harrison Ford: Please don’t bother me while I am trying to eat my future noodles.
Noodle Man: I think you’re under arrest.
[Harrison Ford goes to the BLADE RUNNER HEADQUARTERS, which is an OFFICE that looks like a 1950s DETECTIVE’S OFFICE]
Harrison Ford’s Boss: We need you to do one more case. You’re the only one who can do it.
Harrison Ford: I was quit when I come here, and I’m twice as quit now.*
Harrison Ford’s Boss: Come onnnnnnnnnnnn. I’ll be your best friend!!
Harrison Ford: Fine.
[he goes to the ROBOT HEADQUARTERS, which is INCREDIBLY HUGE and FUTURISTIC]
Sean Young: Do you like our owl?*
Harrison Ford: Uh, yeah, it’s awesome.
Robot Corp CEO: So, tell me, Blade Runner, how does this system of determining who is a robot and who is not work? Show me on a person first.
[he runs some TESTS involving PUPILS and HEART RATE and WEIRD QUESTIONS]
Harrison Ford: She’s a robot and doesn’t know it. You are morally decrepit. Now I must go shoot some people.
[he finds some EVIDENCE, including a PHOTO that he ENHANCES beyond ALL POSSIBILITY]
Harrison Ford: Hmm. I shall investigate this further. Perhaps I will find this woman, along with the snake that belongs to this scale I found earlier.
[he DOES, in a STRIP CLUB, and there is a CHASE in which the STRIPPER is wearing the CRAZIEST TOP EVER]
Harrison Ford: Stop! I’m going to shoot you now!
[he SHOOTS into a CROWD and TAKES HER DOWN]
Harrison Ford: Now on to the others.
[back at HIS PLACE]
Sean Young: I’m not a robot. Look, here’s a picture of me as a little girl.
Harrison Ford: You are too a robot!! But I have no time for you now.
Rutger Hauer: We must find a way to live longer. Let us search out any people who might be able to help us. I will find the guy who designs eyes and make him take off his anti-cold suit and get some info from him.
Harrison Ford: Stop bothering me, unicorn!
Sean Young: Why did you say I was a robot?
Harrison Ford: Your memories are false. However, you are extremely beautiful.
[they KISS as a SEXY, SEXY SAXOPHONE plays]
[back on the MEAN STREETS]
Rutger Hauer: Go find this dude. He can help us.
Daryl Hannah: Perhaps I shall use my feminine robot wiles to entrap him.
[they FIND him and his CREEPY GENETIC EXPERIMENTS in a
Robot Corp CEO: Oh, hello, my creation.
Rutger Hauer: Let me live longer!
Robot Corp CEO: No!
Rutger Hauer: Fine.
[he SHOOTS everyone]
[back at the
Harrison Ford: I’m just going to take...my…time…finding this guy.
Daryl Hannah: Waaaaaa! Attack!!
[they FIGHT and it is BRUTAL but
Rutger Hauer: Oh HELL no! Now you die!!
[they RUN AROUND for a REALLY LONG TIME and end up on the ROOF, where Harrison Ford is SAVED by Rutger Hauer just before he BITES IT]
Harrison Ford: Now I understand the nature of humanity.
[he GOES HOME and finds an ORIGAMI UNICORN and Sean Young]
Ridley Scott: He’s a robot.
Harrison Ford: He’s not a robot.
Audience: We don’t care…MORE VANGELIS MUSIC!!