Blade Runner: The Final Cut

Okay, so apparently Ridley Scott really didn't know what was going on with this movie. There have been many versions of it, and the one I just saw is called "The Final Cut," which would lead one to believe that this is the last, for-real-this-time version. However, the third installment of Indiana Jones was called "The Last Crusade, and we all know how that went. So who knows. Anyway, the most important change to me in this version: the unicorn.

[it is THE FUTURE]

Scrolling Marquee Exposition: This is the future. There are crazy robots that are indistinguishable from humans. Only the BLADE RUNNER SQUADRONS can differentiate them from people.

[many shots of FUTURE LOS ANGELES are shown to establish the FUTURENESS]

Edward James Olmos: [says something in a CRAZY FUTURE LANGUAGE and makes some ORIGAMI]

Harrison Ford: Please don’t bother me while I am trying to eat my future noodles.

Noodle Man: I think you’re under arrest.

[Harrison Ford goes to the BLADE RUNNER HEADQUARTERS, which is an OFFICE that looks like a 1950s DETECTIVE’S OFFICE]

Harrison Ford’s Boss: We need you to do one more case. You’re the only one who can do it.

Harrison Ford: I was quit when I come here, and I’m twice as quit now.*

Harrison Ford’s Boss: Come onnnnnnnnnnnn. I’ll be your best friend!!

Harrison Ford: Fine.


Sean Young: Do you like our owl?*

Harrison Ford: Uh, yeah, it’s awesome.

Robot Corp CEO: So, tell me, Blade Runner, how does this system of determining who is a robot and who is not work? Show me on a person first.

[he runs some TESTS involving PUPILS and HEART RATE and WEIRD QUESTIONS]

Harrison Ford: She’s a robot and doesn’t know it. You are morally decrepit. Now I must go shoot some people.

[he finds some EVIDENCE, including a PHOTO that he ENHANCES beyond ALL POSSIBILITY]

Harrison Ford: Hmm. I shall investigate this further. Perhaps I will find this woman, along with the snake that belongs to this scale I found earlier.

[he DOES, in a STRIP CLUB, and there is a CHASE in which the STRIPPER is wearing the CRAZIEST TOP EVER]

Harrison Ford: Stop! I’m going to shoot you now!


Harrison Ford: Now on to the others.

[back at HIS PLACE]

Sean Young: I’m not a robot. Look, here’s a picture of me as a little girl.

Harrison Ford: You are too a robot!! But I have no time for you now.

[somewhere ELSE]

Rutger Hauer: We must find a way to live longer. Let us search out any people who might be able to help us. I will find the guy who designs eyes and make him take off his anti-cold suit and get some info from him.

[back at Harrison’s PLACE, where he is DREAMING of a UNICORN running through a FOREST GLEN]

Harrison Ford: Stop bothering me, unicorn!

Sean Young: Why did you say I was a robot?

Harrison Ford: Your memories are false. However, you are extremely beautiful.

[they KISS as a SEXY, SEXY SAXOPHONE plays]

[back on the MEAN STREETS]

Rutger Hauer: Go find this dude. He can help us.

Daryl Hannah: Perhaps I shall use my feminine robot wiles to entrap him.

[they FIND him and his CREEPY GENETIC EXPERIMENTS in a GROSS BUILDING and COERCE him into HELPING them get to the CEO’S HOUSE]

Robot Corp CEO: Oh, hello, my creation.

Rutger Hauer: Let me live longer!

Robot Corp CEO: No!

Rutger Hauer: Fine.

[he SHOOTS everyone]

[back at the GROSS BUILDING]

Harrison Ford: I’m just going to take...my…time…finding this guy.

Daryl Hannah: Waaaaaa! Attack!!

[they FIGHT and it is BRUTAL but Harrison is TRIUMPHANT]

Rutger Hauer: Oh HELL no! Now you die!!

[they RUN AROUND for a REALLY LONG TIME and end up on the ROOF, where Harrison Ford is SAVED by Rutger Hauer just before he BITES IT]

Harrison Ford: Now I understand the nature of humanity.

[he GOES HOME and finds an ORIGAMI UNICORN and Sean Young]

Ridley Scott: He’s a robot.

Harrison Ford: He’s not a robot.

Audience: We don’t care…MORE VANGELIS MUSIC!!

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