11.10.2007

Eastern Promises

[it is LONDON]

Crazy Russian Mafia Barber: Do it, my child.
Retarded Nephew: I can't!
CRMB: DOOOOO IIIIIIIITTTT!!!
[the nephew SAWS INTO this dude's THROAT, in a STUNNING DISPLAY of how NEVER to slit a THROAT]
[MEANWHILE, in a HOSPITAL]
Naomi Watts: Oh dear. This pregnant teen has died during childbirth. Though I am a nurse and presumably see this kind of thing frequently, this particular girl has touched my heart. I shall steal her diary and find out what she was like.
[she tries to TRANSLATE the diary but can't read RUSSIAN, so she goes to the RESTAURANT whose business card is CONVENIENTLY in the DIARY]
Armin Mueller-Stahl: Hello, welcome to my mafia fron-I MEAN, my restaurant. Oh, a diary of someone I don't know AT ALL. Seriously, I have never ever heard of this girl IN LIFE. Why don't you just…um…leave it here? I'll take care of everything.
Naomi Watts: For some reason, I do not trust you. I'll get my crazy Russian uncle to translate it.
Viggo Mortensen: Want to go for a drink? After all, I am an extremely hot Russian with amazingly coiffed hair.
Naomi Watts: No, thank you, I have no taste in men, apparently.
[she GOES HOME and has her CRAZY UNCLE translate the DIARY, which contains MANY SCANDALOUS SECRETS, including the fact that the RUSSIAN MAFIA LEADER is the baby's FATHER]
French Dude from Ocean's Twelve: Viggo! I had someone killed and now I need you to help me dispose of the body. Also, I am clearly in love with you, because you are irresistible to both men and women.
Viggo Mortensen: Yes, I am. [he HACKS off some FINGERTIPS]
Naomi Watts: I want to do the right thing. I'm so conflicted! That highly untrustworthy old man said he would give me the girl's address if I gave him the diary. Perhaps he will send the attractive driver to do the exchange.
[they meet in a LONDON VERSION OF DENNY'S to TRADE but she is BETRAYED and does not get the ADDRESS]
Naomi Watts: Why did I trust you??? And why are you so magnetic??
[MEANWHILE, in a WHOREHOUSE]
French Dude from Ocean's Twelve: Prove you're not gay. Fuck that whore. I require proof of non-gayness from all the men I am in love wi—I mean, my friends.
Viggo Mortensen: Okay, but I will be gentle and give her a lot of money afterward. I am a nice gangster.
[MEANWHILE, in a LOADING DOCK]
Crazy Russian Mafia Barber: Some guys want to kill me! Can I surrender your son instead? I figured it never hurts to ask…
Armin Mueller-Stahl: I have an idea…
[they DEVISE a PLAN that involves SACRIFICING Viggo instead of the SON]
Armin Mueller-Stahl: Okay, you are in the gang officially now! Here's your tattoos and your first two assignments: take care of that girl's crazy uncle and go meet this other dude in a bathhouse.
Viggo Mortensen:
Okay, but only if I may battle him naked.
Armin Mueller-Stahl: You may. Also, please get rid of that prying uncle.
Viggo Mortensen: [aside] Good thing he doesn't know I am actually a double agent, or I'd really be in for it...
[he gets in a KNIFE FIGHT and is TOTALLY NUDE, but SOUNDLY THRASHES the other, CLOTHED men]
Naomi Watts: Hey, where's my uncle?
Viggo Mortensen: I am going to phrase this in the most enigmatic way possible so that suspense continues as long as possible: I have taken care of it.
[the BABY gets SPIRITED AWAY from the HOSPITAL somehow, though she is in a BABY ROOM with nurses ALL AROUND]
Naomi Watts: Gah! The baby! We must find her!
Viggo Mortensen: I know where the best place to get rid of bodies is...I showed it to that gay gangster's son before. Let us speed there on your moped.
[they STOP the GAY DUDE right before he puts the BABY into the RIVER]
French Dude from Ocean's Twelve: You stopped me from doing a terrible thing! Hold me!
[they SERIOUSLY LOOK like they are about to MAKE OUT, but DON'T]
Naomi Watts: I'm so glad you saved this baby, but however shall I get it home with only a moped?
[MONTHS later]
Naomi Watts: Hooray! I have a baby!
Her Uncle: Hooray! I was in Scotland, though you thought I was killed.
Viggo Mortensen: Hooray! I got the Mafia boss arrested and am now the leader of the crime syndicate, though I actually work for Scotland Yard.

2 comments:

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

Oh my god. Welcome to: a movie that would have made me run screaming from the room in the first three minutes. And seriously, why is it that in movies women always turn down dates from gorgeous men? Does this happen in real life? I mean, I would possibly do that but I'm also abnormal.

Russell said...

Speaking from experience; yes, women turn down dates from handsome men all the time. I blame the tides.