I forgot I'd seen this movie until Laura McClain hooked me up with a delicious condensed version. It's actually quite funny.~~~~~~~~~~
[it is a more ELEGANT time]
Cary Grant: My, my! The missus thinks I’ve been in Florida when I was actually in New York! This will never be brought up again throughout the movie!
[some RANDOMS come over to his HOUSE]
Random Rich Woman: Where’s your wife?
[Irene Dunne ENTERS in a GORGEOUS white FUR with a MYSTERIOUS foreigner]
Irene Dunne: Hey, everyone! My car totally broke down at a remote cabin with my hot foreign voice coach! I swear!
Randoms: Huzza, huzza, she must be lying, broken home, Jezebel!
[they LEAVE]
Cary Grant: My, my! What the hell did you do? **
Irene Dunne: How dare you!
Cary Grant: Whore!**
Irene Dunne: This orange you gave me isn’t from Florida, it’s from California! Implied infidelity! Gasp!
Cary Grant: I want a divorce!
Irene Dunne: You can say that again!
[they DECIDE to get DIVORCED, but FIGHT over CUSTODY of their totally ADORABLE dog]
Judge: The dog can live with the misses, but Cary Grant gets visitation rights!
[in a FABULOUS penthouse]
Aunt of Irene Dunne: I’m old, but seemingly quite horny. I totally met some dude in the elevator. He’s single and alive, so I’m going to whore you out to him for a free meal.
[a man who is NO Cary Grant ENTERS]
Oklahoma Man: Irene Dunne, you are as beautiful as I am hokey. Let’s go on many dates.
Irene Dunne: Sigh. Okay.
[they GO to a CLUB and SEE a TUXEDOED Cary Grant]
Irene Dunne: I’m totally on a date! And we’re getting married!
Cary Grant: Whatever. That dude is lame. I’m dating the singer.
[some CLUB singer SINGS a song where her SKIRT blows up]
Cary Grant: Why don’t you kids go dance?
[they DO and the Oklahoma Man is an AWFUL dancer]
Cary Grant: Ha HA! Her suffering makes me smile.
[later, at the PENTHOUSE]
Cary Grant: Hey, I came over again, to see - the dog! Yeah, that’s right, the dog!
[he HEARS her TALKING to FOREIGN MAN on the PHONE]
Cary Grant: Scoundrel!
[he BUSTS into the FOREIGNER’S house to see them GET IT ON, but it is only a VOICE RECITAL. he then FALLS OFF a CHAIR and it is HILARIOUS]
Irene Dunne: I have to break up with that Oklahoman. I love Cary Grant, obviously.
[there is a FARCICAL scene with MANY slamming DOORS that LEADS to the Oklahoman DUMPING Irene Dunne]
Oklahoman Man: [in a NORMAN BATES-style manner] I guess a boy’s best friend IS his mother!*
[it is LATER]
Irene Dunne: Hey, our divorce is finalized tomorrow. Hear you’re engaged.
Cary Grant: Yeah. She’s totally awesome. Also, super rich.
[Irene Dunne ANSWERS his PHONE and the FIANCE gets all PISSED]
Cary Grant: Uh..that was my sister, darling.
[he GOES to her MANSION to MEET her PARENTS and SHOW OFF]
Irene Dunne: Hey, it’s me! Your sister, Lola! Wooooooooo! WOOOOOO!
[she WEARS a FLAPPER dress and is GENERALLY awesome]
Irene Dunne: Can I have a drink? I had three or four already, but they’re wearing off.* Want to hear me sing! I can totally sing for you! WOOOO!
Cary Grant: Gah! Let’s get out of here!
Irene Dunne: Want to go to that secluded cabin in the woods?
Cary Grant: No!
[they DO, and Irene Dunne PURPOSEFULLY drives her OWN car into a DITCH]
Irene Dunne: Whoops, guess you’ll have to spend the night!
[some COPS give them a RIDE on MOTORCYCLES and she SOUNDS the SIREN with her ASS]
Cary Grant: My, my! She’s marvelous!
Irene Dunne: Let’s sleep in adjoining rooms. Whoops, the lock broke!
[they STARE at each other for a WHILE]
Cary Grant: So, I kind of wish we weren’t getting divorced. You’re pretty swell.
Irene Dunne: Ditto. Obviously.
[they PUT a CHAIR under the DOOR and DO IT, but OFF-CAMERA, as it is 1937]
THE END
* actual line from film
**this is SUGGESTED, rather than ACTUALLY said, as Cary Grant is a GENTLEMAN
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