10.23.2007

Sight Unseen: Norbit

I wrote this a while ago and then forgot about it. I am proud to say that I still have not seen this movie.
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[it is AMERICA]

Eddie Murphy (as Norbit): [with a speech IMPEDIMENT] Woman, why are you always so mean to me?

Eddie Murphy (as Norbit’s Fat Girlfriend): Because I’m fat and sassy and you KNOW you owe me a lot. So pucker up, buttercup, and kiss my fat black ass! Hell to the hell to the HELL to the no! How you durrin’? Who can think up some more catchphrases I can recycle from other Stock Sassy Black Lady Characters?

[she is GENERALLY SASSY to people, but MEAN to Norbit]

Thandie Newton: I’m – I’m not really sure how this works. I mean, I understand the concept of broad physical comedy, but…I’m not sure if this is reading, Eddie.

Eddie Murphy (as Asian Stereotype Man): So solly, pletty rady! Me sooooo solly!

Thandie Newton: Yeeeaaaah. That’s not helping.

Cuba Gooding Jr.: You’ll get used to this kind of film, Thandie. I mean, I was in Jerry Maguire, and I was actually good, but it just went all downhill after Rat Race…and don’t get me started on Boat Trip. This is actually an improvement for me, if you can believe that.

[Eddie Murphy begins to go into ANAPHYLACTIC SHOCK because no one is paying ATTENTION to him]

Eddie Murphy (as Norbit’s Fat Girlfriend): Look! LOOOOOOOK! My thighs! My rippling thighs! Can you believe how fat I am? DAAAAAAAMN!

[a MONTAGE of her being MEAN to Norbit again, at one point, CRUSHING him with her HUGE ASS]

Eddie Murphy (as Norbit): [incomprehensible SQUEALS]

Thandie Newton: Don’t be so mean to Norbit!

Eddie Murphy (as Norbit’s Fat Girlfriend): Girl, you just jealous. How you durrin’?

[some STUFF happens that allows Norbit and Thandie Newton to HOOK UP, while allowing the AUDIENCE to feel OKAY about the whole GETTING-RID-OF-YOUR-TERRORIZING-WIFE plotline]

Eddie Murphy (as Norbit): I got me a girl.

Eddie Murphy (as norbit’s Fat Girlfriend): Loooooooooooook aaaaaaaaaaat meeeeeeeeeeee!

Eddie Murphy (as Asian Stereotype Man): Solly.

2 comments:

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

Ok, I read this review in a Torts exam review session and almost GUFFAWED at that last line. Also, I think Cuba Gooding Jr's first mistake may have been that horrifying Robin Williams movie about heaven.

Emily Sue said...

What was it that was scrawled in Manitoba's bathroom on a poster for this?? I can't remember, but it was funny.