10.19.2007

Dueling Condensations: Little Children


You know when you go to Perkins late at night, and you’re like, “YUM! Chicken strips! I want me some of THOSE,” but you know it’s a really bad idea to get the whole meal with the fries and the broccoli and that weird, almost sweet bun with butter they give you, so you just get the appetizer, with no sides at all, just the strips? Or, conversely, you go to Perkins, and you’re like, “YUM! Chicken strips! I want me some of THOSE,” and you just have to have the side dishes, and even though the broccoli is a little teeny tiny bit sketchy, it’s still green, and not usually terribly overcooked, and the fries there are actually really crispy and delicious, and that weird bun is really good when it's slathered in butter, so you get the whole platter instead of just the appetizer?

This is kind of like that.

I figured this would happen eventually: due to some miscommunication here at the Ultra Condensed Labs, we ended up with not one, but two ultra-condensed versions of the very same film, created by two different condensers. Is your mind officially blown!?!?

So, I give you two versions. They’re both delicious, depending on how hungry you are, and whether you like broccoli.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anna's Version.
[it is the SUBURBS]
unnecessary narrator: she wasn't like the other moms.
kate winslet: i'm not like the other moms.
other moms: you're not like us. now that that's established, we'll disappear for the remainder of the film.
patrick wilson: i am incredibly hot. [he LOOKS LUSTILY at kate winslet] you're not that hot, but i would enjoy having sex with you.
kate winslet: okay.
[they have SEX on various SURFACES in kate winslet's HOUSE, which she shares with her husband, who likes to order OTHER WOMEN'S UNDERWEAR via the INTERNET and SMELL them.]
unnecessary narrator: jennifer connelly is amazingly beautiful.
jennifer connelly: la, la, la...how could i be any more beautiful?
[she goes to WORK for LONG HOURS, leaving her HUSBAND alone in the BURBS]
pedophile: hey, guys, can i please move in here, now that i've paid my debt to society?
crazy ex-cop: noooooooooo!
[he THREATENS the pedophile and does various other CRAZY things]
kate winslet: let's all have dinner - my husband, your wife, and you and me. that won't be awkward at ALL.
patrick wilson: nothing could possibly go wrong with that plan.
unnecessary narrator: as they ate dinner, jennifer connelly wondered if her husband was having an affair.
[he WAS]
patrick wilson: run away with me!
kate winslet: awesome!
[they plan to MEET at a PARK but he gets injured on a SKATEBOARD that is both LITERAL and METAPHORICAL]
unnecessary narrator: as patrick lay prostrate, felled by a metaphorical skateboard, he hoped that there were no scary crazy people in the park where he was supposed to meet kate winslet.
[there WERE]
pedophile: hey, come over here.
kate winslet: AND LEAVE MY CHILD ALONE IN A SCARY PARK AT NIGHT?!?!??! okay.
[he shows her his BLOODY CROTCH, where he has CASTRATED himself in an ATTEMPT to cure his PEDOPHILIA]
unnecessary narrator: they all lived unhappily ever after, except the people who died during the course of this film.

Laura's Version.

[it is the CHICAGO SUBURBS]
Bitchy Mother: Snacktime, children! I brought all your fiber bars and symmetrically cut carrot sticks!
Kate Winslet: Ooops. I forgot your snack, small child.
Playground Mothers: Hubbub, hubbub. What an unfit mother!
[they GAZE at her REPROACHFULLY]
Kate Winslet: I hate my life.
Playground Mothers: Look! It’s that hot stay-at-home dad who comes to the playground!
[like a BEACON of LIGHT, Patrick Wilson ENTERS with his ADORABLE child]
Bitchy Mother: Kate Winslet, I dare you to get his digits.
Kate Winslet: I can do better than that.
[she BEFRIENDS Patrick Wilson and CONVINCES him to KISS her to FREAK out the other MOMS]
Playground Mothers: Hubbub hubbub! Run away!
[they DO]
Kate Winslet: Mission accomplished. Also…that was hot.
[MEANWHILE…]
Kate Winslet’s Husband: I feel unfulfilled. I think I will spend all my time masturbating to online porn with panties on my face.
[he DOES]
Jennifer Connelly: Hello Patrick Wilson. How was your day? Allow me to emasculate you.
Patrick Wilson: I think I’ll go watch teens skateboard. It’s not creepy - it’s a metaphor for my lost youth!
[his FRIEND pulls up and TAKES him to PLAY in a FOOTBALL LEAGUE]
Patrick Wilson’s Creepy Friend: Did you hear about that crazy child molester who moved into our neighborhood? Let’s harass him!
[he PAPERS the MOLESTER’S house with COPIES of his MUG SHOT]
Kate Winslet: I cannot stop thinking about Patrick Wilson. I think I will go to the town pool and try to hang with him.
[she BUYS a SMASHING mom SWIMSUIT and FLIRTS with Patrick Wilson]
Child Molester: [JUMPS into the POOL filled with CHILDREN and LOOKS at them SUPER-CREEPILY]
Pool Mothers: AAAAA! Get out of the pool!
[all the CHILDREN do, and it is almost SAD, until you REMEMBER that he is a CHILD MOLESTER]
Patrick Wilson: Oh no! It is raining! I will come back to your house with you, new friend.
[they BONE in the BASEMENT and it is SCANDALOUSLY HOT]
Neighbor: Come to my book club, Kate Winslet. We are reading Madam Bovary. How convenient.
[she has many FLASHBACKS of Patrick Wilson SEX, which are TOTALLY REWINDABLE]
[MEANWHILE, in OTHER PLOTS]
Mother of Child Molester: You need to go on a date. You’re totally dateable.
Child Molester: Mom, I’m a child mol-
Mother: LA LA LA! I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
[he GOES on a DATE with the MOST DEPRESSED woman in the WORLD]
Child Molester: Hey, let’s pull over by this playground.
[he MASTURBATES while she WEEPS and it is HORRIFICALLY AWFUL]
Jennifer Connelly: You are acting suspiciously, Patrick Wilson. Let’s have your new “friend’ and her husband over for dinner.
[they DO, and it is TOTALLY obvious that they are BONING]
Jennifer Connelly: Betrayal!!!
Kate Winslet’s Husband: [sits OBLIVIOUSLY]
Patrick Wilson: I want to run away with you!
Kate Winslet: Awesome!
Creepy Friend: We won the football game! Hurrah! Come to the bar, Patrick Wilson! I might be obsessed with you!
[Patrick Wilson DOES not SHOW so he TAKES his MISGUIDED HOMOEROTIC RAGE out on the CHILD MOLESTER]
Mother: Leave us alone! Gah! My ticker!
[she DIES on the LAWN]
Patrick Wilson: I am finally going to skateboard with these young kids! Reborn youth, hurrah!
[he BITES IT and is LEFT UNCONSCIOUS]
Kate Winslet: Where is Patrick Wilson? This playground is eerily symbolic at night! Gah!
[the CHILD MOLESTER runs in the PARK and WEEPS]
Kate Winslet: Somehow the pain of a child molester makes me think I shouldn’t leave my husband.
Patrick Wilson: Somehow the pain of a mild head injury makes me think I shouldn’t leave my wife.
[they GO to their RESPECTIVE homes]
Creepy Friend: Hey, man, are you ok?
Child Molester: NOW are you happy?
[he PULLS down his PANTS to SHOW he has CASTRATED himself]
Audience: GAH!

Narrator: And they all lived…happily? ever after.

2 comments:

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

Oh my god, that sounds like the worst movie ever made!!!!

Movie Maven said...

I hated it with the fire of a thousand suns, actually, except for the fact that Patrick Wilson is ridiculously attractive, and I love Kate Winslet.