[it is the FUTURE or something]
Science Man: [as he WATCHES Milla Jovovich navigate an obstacle course] My creation! My creation is learning!
[she gets CHOPPED UP]
Science Man: Shit.
[elsewhere, the REAL Milla Jovovich RIDES her HOG through the DESERTS, evading DETECTION by both the Science Man and the ZOMBIES that roam the PLAINS]
Ali Larter: I am so hot that you have elected me the leader of your convoy. Look! A motel! Let’s check it out.
Convoy People: Thank you, leader.
[the MOTEL is NOT SAFE and they get attacked by ZOMBIE BIRDS and a bunch of people BITE IT, but then Milla Jovovich uses her MIND WAVES to save them and create a HUGE FUCKING EXPLOSION]
Milla Jovovich: I found some dude’s diary that says it’s safe in
Ali Larter: Uh…okay. Let’s take a vote.
[the convoy VOTES for
Ali Larter: Where should we stock up?
[meanwhile, in the LAB, deep UNDERGROUND]
Girl Computer Child: Science Man, we have detected her.
Science Man: Send the zombies! We have plenty, since I have been using them to perfect my anti-zombie serum!
[a BOX of ZOMBIES is delivered to
Milla Jovovich: Look, a box. I hope it’s not full of zombies.
[a HUGE FUCKING BATTLE ensues and RULES]
Science Man: Damn! Now I have to test my anti-zombie serum on myself!
[he DOES, and turns into a CRAZY MONSTER]
Milla Jovovich: Here, convoy, take this helicopter to
[she goes to the UNDERGROUND LAB and finds the Girl Computer Child, who fills her in on WHAT’S UP]
Science Man: AAARRRGGHHH!! I will destroy you!!!
[they FIGHT, and are both about to BITE IT in a totally awesome CHOP-YOU-INTO-PIECES laser net, but a CLONE of Milla Jovovich SAVES her at the last minute]
Milla Jovovich: Helllll yes.
[she makes an ARMY of HERSELF, presumably to DEFEAT the bad guys and set up the SEQUEL]