Resident Evil: Extinction

[it is the FUTURE or something]

Science Man: [as he WATCHES Milla Jovovich navigate an obstacle course] My creation! My creation is learning!

[she gets CHOPPED UP]

Science Man: Shit.

[elsewhere, the REAL Milla Jovovich RIDES her HOG through the DESERTS, evading DETECTION by both the Science Man and the ZOMBIES that roam the PLAINS]

Ali Larter: I am so hot that you have elected me the leader of your convoy. Look! A motel! Let’s check it out.

Convoy People: Thank you, leader.

[the MOTEL is NOT SAFE and they get attacked by ZOMBIE BIRDS and a bunch of people BITE IT, but then Milla Jovovich uses her MIND WAVES to save them and create a HUGE FUCKING EXPLOSION]

Milla Jovovich: I found some dude’s diary that says it’s safe in Alaska. Maybe we should go there. Though I normally travel alone, I broke my motorcycle earlier with my mind waves.

Ali Larter: Uh…okay. Let’s take a vote.

[the convoy VOTES for Alaska, though it will be a LONG JOURNEY, full of STRIFE]

Ali Larter: Where should we stock up?

Milla Jovovich: Las Vegas.

[meanwhile, in the LAB, deep UNDERGROUND]

Girl Computer Child: Science Man, we have detected her.

Science Man: Send the zombies! We have plenty, since I have been using them to perfect my anti-zombie serum!

[a BOX of ZOMBIES is delivered to Las Vegas]

Milla Jovovich: Look, a box. I hope it’s not full of zombies.


Science Man: Damn! Now I have to test my anti-zombie serum on myself!

[he DOES, and turns into a CRAZY MONSTER]

Milla Jovovich: Here, convoy, take this helicopter to Alaska. I gotta go fight some more people.

[she goes to the UNDERGROUND LAB and finds the Girl Computer Child, who fills her in on WHAT’S UP]

Science Man: AAARRRGGHHH!! I will destroy you!!!

[they FIGHT, and are both about to BITE IT in a totally awesome CHOP-YOU-INTO-PIECES laser net, but a CLONE of Milla Jovovich SAVES her at the last minute]

Milla Jovovich: Helllll yes.

[she makes an ARMY of HERSELF, presumably to DEFEAT the bad guys and set up the SEQUEL]

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