Burgess Meredith: [gets hit on the head by a brick]
Some Dude: Help this guy! Hey man, do you know who you are?
Burgess Meredith: Well, sure I do! But why do my cigarette case and hat have someone else’s initials on them? Oh well, I’ll just go home.
His Landlady: WHAAAA?!?! You’re back!
His Wife: You’re home!!!!!!!
Burgess Meredith: Uh, yeah, I just left, like, this morning.
His Wife: Actually, you left over a year ago and never came back.
Burgess Meredith: Well, that explains the cigarette case and hat, I guess.
His Wife: Of course! You must have gotten hit on the head and lost your memory, and then taken on someone else’s identity! Clearly, this is the most plausible explanation!! I will let you go figure it out, because I am the most understanding wife in the history of the world.
Burgess Meredith: I’ll just tell my boss I had a nervous breakdown and go back to work.
[he does, but some THUGS follow him around]
Burgess Meredith: Hmmm…this is certainly mysterious.
[he goes back to the PLACE where the brick HIT him]
Hot Girl: Danny! Danny! What are you doing! Get inside!
[she explains that he is wanted for the MURDER of a RICH man who left a lot of money to his WIFE and his BROTHER, who are TOTALLY SUSPECT]
Burgess Meredith: Let’s solve this! I don’t know you, or anything about this double life I’ve been leading, but I’ll pretend I do, to hilarious (in a noir way) results!
[they go to the
Brother of Deceased: Though I am totally creepy, I have money, so the ladies love me.
Wife of Deceased: Indeed.
[Burgess Meredith CONDUCTS TESTS to see if they could have committed the MURDER, but they COULDN’T have]
Burgess Meredith: Now I’m stumped. I know! I’ll ask bedridden, mute Granny! Blink me out the answer, Grandma. Just blink once for A, two for B, three for C…
[SEVENTEEN hours later]
Burgess Meredith: It was Hot Girl!
Hot Girl: I did it for you, Danny! For you!!!!
Burgess Meredith: I guess I’ll go back to my wife.