9.17.2007

Children of Men

[it is 2027]
Video Announcement on Bus: The world has collapsed. Only Britain remains.*
Clive Owen: I need some goddamn coffee. Living in a world where the youngest person on the planet is 18 years old can get a guy tired.
[the coffee shop EXPLODES just as he is leaving]
Clive Owen: Sigh. I gotta get out of the city.
[he goes to visit his AMIGO in the country, who lives in a SUPER SECRET BUNKER in the woods]
Michael Caine: Welcome to my super-secret bunker, which may be useful to you in the future. Let's smoke weed, which is still illegal, though suicide pills are mass-marketed under the name Quietus(tm).
[Clive Owen returns to LONDON, where he is KIDNAPPED by TERRORISTS who turn out to be led by his EX-WIFE]
Julianne Moore: Hey, honey. Remember when we had a son? And how he died? And how we were both activists? I need your help in getting this girl to the coast.
Clive Owen: Um, okay. Though you have offered me money, I am clearly doing this because I am still kind of in love with you.
[he PROCURES transit papers from his COUSIN, who is some sort of ART SAVER MAN GUY and has GUERNICA in his DINING ROOM]
Julianne Moore: Thanks. I still don't love you.
Clive Owen: Okay, well, let's go anyway.
Julianne Moore: Wait, I am having fun with you now, even though we are considered terrorists.
[they drive through some WOODS and are AMBUSHED by a FLAMING CAR and Julianne Moore gets SHOT]
Clive Owen: Noooooooo!!!!
[they go to a FARMHOUSE which is SUPPOSEDLY SAFE but is CLEARLY NOT]
Pregnant Girl: I'm pregnant.
Clive Owen: Whaaaaaaaaaa???
Black Dude from Love Actually: No one knows we killed Julianne Moore, though we are supposedly on her side. It's a huge secret. We need the baby for political reasons.
[Clive Owen OVERHEARS the WHOLE THING and ESCAPES with the Pregnant Girl and her Midwife]
Clive Owen: Good thing my BFF lives in a super-secret bunker.
Michael Caine: Welcome! Let us have a moment of peace. ...aaaaaand now we're being ambushed.
[he feeds his INVALID WIFE the SUICIDE MEDICINE and gets shot by some BAD GUYS while everyone else ESCAPES to a REFUGEE CAMP]
Clive Owen: Whoever heard of breaking IN to a refugee camp? We're so wacky.
[the Midwife is SHOT and the Pregnant Girl goes into LABOR]
Clive Owen: Shit, now we have to travel with this baby. Don't worry, I am the manliest man in the history of men, and I will protect you. With manliness.
[the Black Dude from Love Actually STEALS the Pregnant Girl and her baby and Clive Owen CHASES them for, like, TWENTY MINUTES and gets SHOT AT]
Clive Owen: I found you! Let's go find that gypsy woman and the boat she has miraculously procured for us.
[they get in a ROWBOAT and ROW out to meet the GOOD GUYS on their BOAT, but Clive Owen DIES]
Pregnant Girl: I am the last hope. Don't worry, world. I got your back.

4 comments:

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

um, worst sounding movie ever.

Movie Maven said...

crap. because it's actually really amazing.

Emily Sue said...

BEST MOVIE EVER!
Seriously. My favorite of the last 5 years at least.

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

I think it's hard to recap good movies because there's something about this format that makes all movies sound really silly.