The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford


Narrator: Jesse James was a man, a man who lived under another name, and his children did not know his name, and he was an outlaw.

[many AMAZINGLY BEAUTIFUL shots of roads and windows and shit are shown]

Brad Pitt: Let’s rob a train.

[he STARES PENSIVELY at some stuff]

Casey Affleck: Notice how I can convey more emotion in one look than anyone else can in a thousand words. Please let me join your robber troupe.

Sam Shepherd: No.

[they ROB a TRAIN and KILL some people, but somehow you still think they are HOT]

Brad Pitt: That is the end of our robbery career. Now go hide out. Casey Affleck, you stay here and help me move.

Casey Affleck: Yeah, bitches!

Brad Pitt: Do you want to work for me…or do you want to BE me?* This is getting a little weird, dude…you’re always, like, LOOKING at me. Go home now.

[he GOES HOME and is TEASED, but continues to EMOTE via his FACE]

Paul Schneider: Let’s go to your sister’s house…she’s mad hot.

Jesse James’ Cousin: Okay, but please don’t have sex with her in the outhouse.

[he does JUST THAT]

Jesse James’ Cousin: Now we are enemies.

[he ATTACKS him, but is SHOT by Casey Affleck]

Sam Rockwell: Shit, brother, you shot Jesse James’ cousin. That’s baaaaaaad.

Jesse James: Has anyone seen my cousin? That’s odd. Okay, I’m going to kill some other guys that betrayed me.

Narrator: As he rode across the night plains, eternity stretched before him like the blanket on the bed of God.

[more GORGEOUS SCENERY and KILLINGS occur over a RIDICULOUSLY LONG period of time]

Mary-Louise Parker: I am in this movie.

Casey Affleck: If Jesse James finds out we killed his cousin, he will kill us. I shall shoot him, all the while looking like the deepest river of emotion one can possibly imagine.

[he SHOOTS Jesse James, TELEGRAPHS the governor, and then writes a PLAY about it]

Casey Affleck: Now I am famous, and famously drunk.

Some Crazy: You shot Jesse James! Die!

[he DOES, as GLORIOUSLY BEAUTIFUL scenery is shown]


Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

This sounds boring.

Emily Sue said...

I love Casey Affleck! I read something where some critic said they didn't "get" or like him as an actor in a review for "Gone Baby Gone". That critic is the stupidest person in the entire universe. The end.