[it is OLDEN TIMES]
Narrator: Jesse James was a man, a man who lived under another name, and his children did not know his name, and he was an outlaw.
[many AMAZINGLY BEAUTIFUL shots of roads and windows and shit are shown]
Brad Pitt: Let’s rob a train.
[he STARES PENSIVELY at some stuff]
Casey Affleck: Notice how I can convey more emotion in one look than anyone else can in a thousand words. Please let me join your robber troupe.
Sam Shepherd: No.
[they ROB a TRAIN and KILL some people, but somehow you still think they are HOT]
Brad Pitt: That is the end of our robbery career. Now go hide out. Casey Affleck, you stay here and help me move.
Casey Affleck: Yeah, bitches!
Brad Pitt: Do you want to work for me…or do you want to BE me?* This is getting a little weird, dude…you’re always, like, LOOKING at me. Go home now.
[he GOES HOME and is TEASED, but continues to EMOTE via his FACE]
Paul Schneider: Let’s go to your sister’s house…she’s mad hot.
Jesse James’ Cousin: Okay, but please don’t have sex with her in the outhouse.
[he does JUST THAT]
Jesse James’ Cousin: Now we are enemies.
[he ATTACKS him, but is SHOT by Casey Affleck]
Sam Rockwell: Shit, brother, you shot Jesse James’ cousin. That’s baaaaaaad.
Jesse James: Has anyone seen my cousin? That’s odd. Okay, I’m going to kill some other guys that betrayed me.
Narrator: As he rode across the night plains, eternity stretched before him like the blanket on the bed of God.
[more GORGEOUS SCENERY and KILLINGS occur over a RIDICULOUSLY LONG period of time]
Mary-Louise Parker: I am in this movie.
Casey Affleck: If Jesse James finds out we killed his cousin, he will kill us. I shall shoot him, all the while looking like the deepest river of emotion one can possibly imagine.
[he SHOOTS Jesse James, TELEGRAPHS the governor, and then writes a PLAY about it]
Casey Affleck: Now I am famous, and famously drunk.
Some Crazy: You shot Jesse James! Die!
[he DOES, as GLORIOUSLY BEAUTIFUL scenery is shown]