7.16.2007

Live Free or Die Hard


[it is AMERICA]
Astonishingly Hot Computer Chick: Have you completed the task we assigned you, minion...I mean...employee?
Justin Long: Yep. Hey, this isn't, like, illegal or anything, is it?
AHCC: Uh...no.
[it is the AMERICAN COMPUTER CENTRAL PLACE]
Some Dude: Hey, the power just went out! Oh, it's back.
Head Computer Man of America: This is suspicious. Round up all the hackers we've ever investigated, ever.
[it is RUTGERS]
Bruce Willis: Hey, can we discuss our strained relationship at a really inopportune time?
His Daughter: Da-ad! I'm on a date! I don't use your last name! I hate you! Bye!
Her Date: Uh...bye.
Bruce Willis's Boss: Can you go pick up this hacker in New Jersey since for some reason the feds have requested a high-ranking detective? Just work with me here.
[he goes to NEW JERSEY, where the HACKER is being TARGETED by SCARY COMPUTER BOMBERS who send a VIRUS BOMB that is ACTIVATED by the DELETE key]
Justin Long: I don't want to go with you!
[he gets SHOT AT]
Justin Long: Okay, we can go.
[something FALLS on the DELETE KEY and everything EXPLODES AWESOMELY]
Bruce Willis: Sigh.
[they are ASSUMED DEAD and proceed to DC, where all the TRAFFIC LIGHTS are GREEN]
Timothy Olyphant: Muhahahaha!!! I shall stand and direct my minions to create....TRAFFIC ACCIDENTS!! Phase One is a go!!
Head Computer Man of America: Something CRAZY is going on!! We have no time for your little hacker.
Bruce Willis: I have a feeling all of this is connected. Perhaps I will solve this huge mystery all alone.
Justin Long:
Can I come? I promise I'll only make snarky wisecracks when they are completely necessary, and also I can hack literally anything, including a cell phone and satellites.
Bruce Willis: Sigh.
[they are LOCATED by the BAD GUYS via an INCREDIBLE thing that can ISOLATE voice patterns from RADIO WAVES, and are PURSUED by a HELICOPTER that they TOTALLY FUCKING BREAK with a FUCKING CAR and it is AWESOME]
Bruce Willis: Okay, genius. What's next?
Justin Long: Um...power grid?
[they go to a POWER PLACE in VIRGINIA]
Computer Screen: Total shutdown of all power is 95% complete. Do you want to proceed?I'm just checking to make sure we're all on the same page here.
AHCC:
Hmmm. I guess I'll click yes.
Bruce Willis: Oh no, you don't, you incredibly hot computer genius...who also apparently happens to know karate?!? Sigh.
[she FIGHTS Bruce Willis, which ends with her being KILLED by a CAR in an ELEVATOR SHAFT, which might be the AWESOMEST THING EVER]
Timothy Olyphant: They will not get away with this! Send ALL THE NATURAL GAS to that power place and blow it up!! Muahahahaha!!!
[Justin Long and Bruce Willis LOOK ON at a DISPLAY showing the LOCATION of all the NATURAL GAS, as though such a thing EXISTS, and are ASSUMED DEAD again]
Bruce Willis: We need help.
Justin Long: Let's find this one dude, who has a generator, so it will be very easy to find his house.
[they take a HELICOPTER to BALTIMORE]
Kevin Smith: How could you bring a cop to my command center?*
Bruce Willis: It's a basement.*
Kevin Smith: It's a COMMAND CENTER!!!!*
Bruce Willis: Hey, nice CB radio. I wonder if the fact that I noticed that will come in handy later.
[they FIND the BAD GUYS, who by this time have LOCATED Bruce Willis's daughter via TECHNOLOGY THAT DOESN'T EXIST]
Timothy Olyphant: We have your daughter! And damn, is she feisty!
[MORE FIGHTING ensues, primarily VEHICULAR, ending in Bruce Willis doing some CRAZY-ASS DRIVING/HANGING from a BUSTED-UP OVERPASS, and he is ASSUMED DEAD...AGAIN]
Bruce Willis: [on CB radio] Hello! Here is some super-important information! Get it to the feds! Ok, back to the pursuit.
Timothy Olyphant: We still have your daughter! And your little buddy! And now I have you!
Bruce Willis: Oh you DO, do you?
[Bruce Willis SHOOTS himself in the MOTHERFUCKING SHOULDER and the BULLET goes THROUGH and KILLS the BAD DUDE]
Bruce Willis: Yippee ki yay, motherfucker.*
[they are VICTORIOUS]
Bruce Willis' Daughter: I guess I'll use your name now.
Justin Long: Your daughter's hot.
Bruce Willis: Sigh.

2 comments:

Emily Sue said...

My favorite is that they kept repeating how the hacker chick had such a "sexy voice" - which was funny to me b/c I didn't think that was especially the case, though I guess a plot device is a plot device.

Laurie said...

My favorite thing ever is when movies have completely unrealistic technology like "screen that shows all natural gas on the planet" and "ability to hack satellites and traffic lights from an ibook". I don't fake love it, I sincerely love it.