Live Free or Die Hard
[it is AMERICA]
Astonishingly Hot Computer Chick: Have you completed the task we assigned you, minion...I mean...employee?
Justin Long: Yep. Hey, this isn't, like, illegal or anything, is it?
[it is the AMERICAN COMPUTER CENTRAL PLACE]
Some Dude: Hey, the power just went out! Oh, it's back.
Head Computer Man of America: This is suspicious. Round up all the hackers we've ever investigated, ever.
[it is RUTGERS]
Bruce Willis: Hey, can we discuss our strained relationship at a really inopportune time?
His Daughter: Da-ad! I'm on a date! I don't use your last name! I hate you! Bye!
Her Date: Uh...bye.
Bruce Willis's Boss: Can you go pick up this hacker in New Jersey since for some reason the feds have requested a high-ranking detective? Just work with me here.
[he goes to NEW JERSEY, where the HACKER is being TARGETED by SCARY COMPUTER BOMBERS who send a VIRUS BOMB that is ACTIVATED by the DELETE key]
Justin Long: I don't want to go with you!
[he gets SHOT AT]
Justin Long: Okay, we can go.
[something FALLS on the DELETE KEY and everything EXPLODES AWESOMELY]
Bruce Willis: Sigh.
[they are ASSUMED DEAD and proceed to DC, where all the TRAFFIC LIGHTS are GREEN]
Timothy Olyphant: Muhahahaha!!! I shall stand and direct my minions to create....TRAFFIC ACCIDENTS!! Phase One is a go!!
Head Computer Man of America: Something CRAZY is going on!! We have no time for your little hacker.
Bruce Willis: I have a feeling all of this is connected. Perhaps I will solve this huge mystery all alone.
Justin Long: Can I come? I promise I'll only make snarky wisecracks when they are completely necessary, and also I can hack literally anything, including a cell phone and satellites.
Bruce Willis: Sigh.
[they are LOCATED by the BAD GUYS via an INCREDIBLE thing that can ISOLATE voice patterns from RADIO WAVES, and are PURSUED by a HELICOPTER that they TOTALLY FUCKING BREAK with a FUCKING CAR and it is AWESOME]
Bruce Willis: Okay, genius. What's next?
Justin Long: Um...power grid?
[they go to a POWER PLACE in VIRGINIA]
Computer Screen: Total shutdown of all power is 95% complete. Do you want to proceed?I'm just checking to make sure we're all on the same page here.
AHCC: Hmmm. I guess I'll click yes.
Bruce Willis: Oh no, you don't, you incredibly hot computer genius...who also apparently happens to know karate?!? Sigh.
[she FIGHTS Bruce Willis, which ends with her being KILLED by a CAR in an ELEVATOR SHAFT, which might be the AWESOMEST THING EVER]
Timothy Olyphant: They will not get away with this! Send ALL THE NATURAL GAS to that power place and blow it up!! Muahahahaha!!!
[Justin Long and Bruce Willis LOOK ON at a DISPLAY showing the LOCATION of all the NATURAL GAS, as though such a thing EXISTS, and are ASSUMED DEAD again]
Bruce Willis: We need help.
Justin Long: Let's find this one dude, who has a generator, so it will be very easy to find his house.
[they take a HELICOPTER to BALTIMORE]
Kevin Smith: How could you bring a cop to my command center?*
Bruce Willis: It's a basement.*
Kevin Smith: It's a COMMAND CENTER!!!!*
Bruce Willis: Hey, nice CB radio. I wonder if the fact that I noticed that will come in handy later.
[they FIND the BAD GUYS, who by this time have LOCATED Bruce Willis's daughter via TECHNOLOGY THAT DOESN'T EXIST]
Timothy Olyphant: We have your daughter! And damn, is she feisty!
[MORE FIGHTING ensues, primarily VEHICULAR, ending in Bruce Willis doing some CRAZY-ASS DRIVING/HANGING from a BUSTED-UP OVERPASS, and he is ASSUMED DEAD...AGAIN]
Bruce Willis: [on CB radio] Hello! Here is some super-important information! Get it to the feds! Ok, back to the pursuit.
Timothy Olyphant: We still have your daughter! And your little buddy! And now I have you!
Bruce Willis: Oh you DO, do you?
[Bruce Willis SHOOTS himself in the MOTHERFUCKING SHOULDER and the BULLET goes THROUGH and KILLS the BAD DUDE]
Bruce Willis: Yippee ki yay, motherfucker.*
[they are VICTORIOUS]
Bruce Willis' Daughter: I guess I'll use your name now.
Justin Long: Your daughter's hot.
Bruce Willis: Sigh.