[it is COLLEGE]
Sorority President: Okay, ladies. Winning the Sorority of the Year competition is the most important thing ever!! We're going to be working with some challenged athletes to boost our ratings with the Greek board.
Christina Ricci: RETARDS?!? No fucking way.
Token Asian Sister: Um, they're people too, just like us.
Sorority President: That's right. We will stand by that statement until we are proven hypocrites.
[the SISTERS meet their ATHLETES]
"Rebel" Sorority Sister: I CAN'T!!! [runs away SCREAMING]
Christina Ricci: It's so hard! We're so different! I'm so perfect!!!
Christina Ricci's Boyfriend: Babe, they're just people.
Christina Ricci: Okay, I'll try.
[she DISCOVERS that the RETARDED DUDE is actually really NICE and is named PUMPKIN]
Christina Ricci: I know! I'll set you up with my fat friend! She wrote a poem in poetry class about suffering, so you'll be perfect for each other.
[they go to the BEACH and the fat friend is INSULTED and they leave Pumpkin on the BEACH]
Pumpkin: Carolyn, I forgive you.
Pumpkin's Mom: I don't trust this sorority girl...I will simply focus my energies on beating my nemesis at the Challenged Games.
[Christina Ricci and Pumpkin get CLOSER and everybody starts FREAKING OUT and her sisters put her in COVENTRY, which is some sort of crazy sorority term for the SILENT TREATMENT]
Poetry Professor: Find what's inside yourself, class.
Christina Ricci: But it's SO UGLY!!! I need Pumpkin!!
[she STORMS out of class and then STORMS out of her boyfriend's TENNIS match]
Christina Ricci's Boyfriend: You fucked up my game, since I am apparently such a bad player that I am watching the stands and not the ball!!
Christina Ricci: I am dumping you!!
[she RUSHES through the FOREST to Pumpkin's house]
Pumpkin's Mom: YOU RAPED MY SON!*
[everyone FREAKS OUT some more, proving their HYPOCRISY]
Christina Ricci: I'm moving home!
Sorority President: We can't have Carolyn quit on us! We need her hot jock boyfriend to win S.O.Y.!!!!!
Sorority Sisters: Hooray! We're going to win!
[they go to the FORMAL and Pumpkin CRASHES it with two of his CHALLENGED BUDDIES]
Sorority Sisters: Oh no! Now we're going to lose!
Christina Ricci's Boyfriend: I'm going to kick your ass!!!!
[they take it OUTSIDE, with AMAZING DANCE FIGHT MUSIC, and Pumpkin is TRIUMPHANT]
Christina Ricci: We're going inside to dance!
Sorority President: Nooooooo!!!
Christina Ricci: I'm sorry, but Pumpkin's not going to sit in the back of the bus anymore.*
[she says this with DETERMINATION, even though it might make MORE SENSE to say something about the SHORT BUS]
Christina Ricci's Boyfriend: First I get dumped for a retard, then I get my ass kicked by one! I have only one choice: drive dangerously in the hills!!
[he DRIVES off a CLIFF and EXPLODES just as Christina Ricci and Pumpkin KISS]
Christina Ricci's Boyfriend: Oh, the irony!! I have become that which I hate most!! A cripple! But wait...
[he becomes the COACH of the CHALLENGED ATHLETES]
Christina Ricci: I can't be at this school anymore! I'm leaving!
Poetry Professor: But you have become the most gifted student in my class! Don't go!!!
[he FALLS to the ground DRAMATICALLY]
Christina Ricci: Wait...I guess I don't belong here. I must return to Pumpkin!!
[she RETURNS just in time to help Pumpkin WIN the race and the whole TOURNAMENT]
Christina Ricci's Crippled Ex-Boyfriend: Pumpkin, you are like Carl Lewis...in every way.* This is the second analogy we've made comparing "challenged" people to black people.
Christina Ricci: Hooray! It's a indie movie with a totally formulaic ending! Everyone's happy! Kind of!

1 comment:

Emily Sue said...

I was in my first play with the guy who plays Pumpkin. True story. Whoop de do.