Guest Post: What Women Want

Remember when Mel Gibson was a safe sex symbol? The post-Lethal Weapon years when he was a Nice Guy Who Women Could Totally Imagine Marrying and Having Babies With? Sigh. Now he's some sort of maniac who likes to make movies in other languages that are totally violent. Oh, Mel...what has the new millienium wrought? Laura McClain takes us back to happier times. But not necessarily higher quality.
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[it is CHICAGO, though it is TOTALLY not]

Mel Gibson: Damn, I'm slick. Everything is so fantastic in my machismo world of manhood.

[he POSES in a MASCULINE way in FRONT of a MIRROR]

Alan Alda: Sorry I can't give you this promotion, Mel. But I feel like this place needs a woman's touch.

[a WOODEN and FROSTY Helen Hunt ENTERS]

Helen Hunt: Sup, dudes? We need to reach out to the ladies. Here's a fancy box of lady products. Try them out tonight.

Mel Gibson: I am too masculine for these lady products! But I must.

[he DANCES to FRANK SINATRA to MAN himself UP, and then puts on PANTYHOSE and DOES his NAILS]

Mel Gibson's Daughter: Dad! What are you doing??
Mel Gibson: Exfoliating?*

[he DROPS a HAIR DRYER in the TUB and ELECTROCUTES himself]

All Women in the World: (Blah blah blah blah, women's issues)

Mel Gibson: HUH???? But these women aren't TALKING - they're THINKING!!!

[he is FREAKED out, but DECIDES to use his FREAKISH gift to his ADVANTAGE]

Marisa Tomei: I guess I'll go out with you.

[he GIVES her the BEST SEX of her LIFE, because he can READ her MIND]

Mel Gibson: Woooohooo! I love reading the minds of the ladies.

[Women THINK some MORE and it is ALL about Mel Gibson and how HOT he is]

Helen Hunt: Hey, Mel, what's up? (I am lonely and frigid. Here are my business ideas.)

Mel Gibson: Hey Helen. Let me pretend to be sensitive.

[he STEALS all her IDEAS, even though they are LAME]

Alan Alda: You are brilliant! So intuitive!

All Women: (That man is hot, but he sucks as a human.)

Mel Gibson: Perhaps I can use my freakish gift...for good.

Judy Greer: (Nobody would even notice if I was gone)

Mel Gibson: I shall save her life.

[he DOES, and it is DRAMATIC yet BORING]

Marisa Tomei: Why haven't you called me? You're gay right? RIGHT??? If you're not, I will die.

Mel Gibson: Uh...yeah, I'm gay.

[he MAKES a GAY gesture and it is...hilarious?]

Helen Hunt: I think I love you.

[they MAKE out and it is AWKWARD and then he STEALS some more of her IDEAS]

Alan Alda: Sorry I didn't give you that promotion before. But now your ideas are awesome. Helen Hunt, you're fired!

Mel Gibson: I am a bastard. I should have learned from these women.

[he BECOMES a MAN for REAL, but LOSES his GIFT by getting ELECTROCUTED again, which is very UNLIKELY]

Helen Hunt: Now I cannot pay my mortgage, and have no job.Thanks Mel.

Mel Gibson: But I have learned to love! Now everything will be okay!

[PRESUMABLY, it IS]