Guest Post: Saved!

This movie seriously rocks, like, so hard. Okay, so you have Jena Malone, who is some sort of acting prodigy/angsty everygirl that you can't not love. Rock. Patrick Fugit is way adorable and I would totes ride on his moped. Macaulay Culkin, you have come a long way. Well done. Susan Sarandon's daughter, you are sassy and you have an amazing rack and are also quite good at acting. And Mandy Moore. Seriously, you guys, girl can do everything. After shunning the Obviously Artificial Teen Pop Persona,** she rocked the Mean Girl Secondary Role and also the Sad and Sick With an Indeterminate Terminal Illness Role in consecutive years. I kind of love her a lot. Then she apologized for the Obviously Artificial Teen Pop Persona,** which was cool too.

Oh, and the movie was really well-written. That helps too. Laura McClain shows it some love.
[it is the PRESENT]
Jena Malone: I love my Christian high school! I love my Jesus-loving friends! I love my sort-of-trashy mom! I love my boyfriend!
Her Boyfriend: I love…boys.
Jena Malone: Wha??
[she HITS her HEAD while DIVING into a POOL ,and thinks the POOL CLEANING GUY is JESUS]
Jena Malone: I know why Jesus appeared to me! We have to have sex, so I can save you from the gayness!
[they HAVE the most AWKWARD sex EVER]
Gay Boyfriend: My parents are shipping me away. Thanks, Jesus.
Mandy Moore: Sorry about your sinful boyfriend. But don’t worry, you have me, your super-Christian, uber-popular BFF!
[Mandy Moore SINGS a JESUS song at their SCHOOL assembly-cum-PRAYER MEETING]
Macaulay Culkin: Hey, remember me? I’m in a wheelchair in this movie! AAAAAAA!
Susan Sarandon’s Daughter: I hate this place.
School Principal: Praise Jesus!
Mandy Moore: She’s saying she has a hot pussy!*
Jena Malone: I feel weird…
[she PUKES, and WATCHES a Lifetime MOVIE where Valerie Bertinelli has all the same SYMPTOMS as her, and REALIZES she’s PREGNANT]
Jena Malone: Thanks, Jesus.
Patrick Fugit: Hey, wanna go out with me some time? I mean, being the new, mysterious boy in town is kind of hard, especially since my dad is the pastor.
[though he is WAY CUTE in a HIGH SCHOOL way, she DENIES him THREE times, MUCH like in the BIBLE]
Mandy Moore: Our friend is acting all weird and mysterious and wearing really unflattering baggy clothes. Satan must have gotten to her.
[they have an EXORCISM in Mandy Moore’s HANDICAPPED-EQUIPPED van, and then she THROWS a BIBLE at Jena Malone]
Mandy Moore: I am FILLED with Christ’s love!*
[Jena Malone becomes BFF with the REBEL GIRL and the HANDICAPPED kid, and then has her ultrasound photo DISCOVERED in her LOCKER, which was a BAD place to HIDE it]
Mary-Louise Parker: You’re eight months pregnant? I guess we’ll have to ship you off, like we did to your gay boyfriend.
Jena Malone: Thanks mom. And Jesus.
[because this is a HIGH SCHOOL movie, the CLIMAX must be at the PROM]
Mandy Moore: This is going to be the best prom ever, dammit! I can’t believe I have this huge pimple.
Susan Sarandon’s Daughter: Come, pregnant BFF and wheelchair-bound boyfriend. Let us attend the prom like the rebels we are.
Mandy Moore: Get them out of the prom!!!!
[she WIGS OUT and CRASHES her VAN into a GIANT cardboard CUTOUT of Jesus, and it is HILARIOUS]
Audience: Who knew Mandy Moore could act?
Gay Boyfriend: My friends and I escaped our brainwashing facility to attend our prom! Wait, you’re pregnant.
Jena Malone:
Uh, yeah. It's yours. And this is my new boyfriend. He claims he doesn’t care about my teen pregnancy, which is insane.

Gay Boyfriend: Awesome!
School Principal: Get out from my school, heathens!
Former Students Who Have Sinned:

[they all LEARN a LESSON about being DIFFERENT, and cause it is not DRAMATIC enough, Jena Malone GOES into LABOR]
Jena Malone: Look, quirky friends! It’s my new baby!
Everyone in Movie: Praise Jesus! Or not! Really, it’s up to you!

**However, she should not regret this persona, because it gave us the song "Candy," in which Mandy rhymes her own name with the word "candy" in a spoken-word interlude in the middle of the song, which, let's face it, is amazing.

1 comment:

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

I have always loved Mandy Moore because one time I saw her in an interview on TV and she used a really big word and I was totally impressed. Also, someone I knew at some point knew someone who hung out with her and said she was cool and listened to good music? Whatevs.