Der Nacht der Lebenden Loser (Night of the Living Dorks)

You know what we need more of? Teen sex outsider comedy zombie movies. I mean, the grown-up romcom got its due with the very excellent Shaun of the Dead, but the kids need their fix too. Enter Night of the Living Dorks. Only the Germans could come up with something as cliched, yet satisfyingly hilarious as this movie. Oddly, the image on the poster of the Bad Guys (read: Popular Kids) is from the "alternate" ending on the DVD, so I'm wondering what was shown in the theater. It actually doesn't matter, since both endings leave plenty of loose ends. That doesn't mean the strings to which those ends belong weren't highly entertaining...strings. That metaphor sort of got away from me there.
[it is HAITI]
Haitian Woman: Oh no! Zombies!!!
Haitian Man: Noooo!!
Haitian Child: Aaaaaaaa!
Large Haitian Woman: Yo' ass is cooked, mothafucka!*
[the ZOMBIE REMAINS pass hands until they end up in GERMANY]
Dorky, but Actually Not That Dorky Guy: Oh, how I wish I could go out with the most popular girl in school. But no...she ignores me, and instead I am left only with my next-door neighbor who was my best friend as a child and has turned into a weird, incredibly hot goth girl.
Sex-Crazed Friend: Hahahaha! You'll never get her! She's TOO HOT!!
Actually Dorky Friend: Indeed. Let us go to school after getting high, where we will surely be taunted and teased and possibly given a wedgie.
[all of that STUFF he just said HAPPENS]
Goth Neighbor: My presentation today will be about Zombies. Here are some Zombie remains we got somewhere.
Popular Kids: You're weird! We don't like you because you're different from us!
Dorky, but Actually Not That Dorky Guy: So...how does this Zombie stuff work? Could you make me a love potion?
Goth Neighbor: Uh, I guess. Come to the graveyard later.
[he and his friends go to the GRAVEYARD, where a GUST OF WIND blows ZOMBIE REMAINS on them]
All: Gross!!! Zombie remains!
[they get into a TERRIBLE CAR ACCIDENT and DIE but are REANIMATED because of the ZOMBIE REMAINS]
Dorky, but Actually Not That Dorky Guy: Whoa! We're zombies! For some reason, this means we will be super-powerful and also irresistible to the ladies!
Sex-Crazed Friend: Awesome! I'm gonna bone the teacher!
Actually Dorky Friend: I'm gonna kick some people's asses!
[parts of their BODIES start falling off, including one dude's PENIS, and they have to STAPLE it back on]
Dorky, but Actually Not That Dorky Guy: Let's have a huge party while my parents are away! That couldn't end badly at ALL!
[they PARTY and SHENANIGANS occur, so many SHENANIGANS that the house is, obviously, TRASHED]
Goth Friend: Due to contractual agreements, this movie needs to end happily, so guess what! There is a Zombie Antidote. We just need to make it. Also, we need to clean up the house.
[ingredient-gathering/house-cleaning MONTAGE ensues, including attempts to find VIRGIN'S BLOOD, which is in he Zombie Antidote]
Goth Friend: I'm a virgin. Here, I shall cut my finger and bleed...for you.
Dorky, but Actually Not That Dorky Guy: Thanks. Now I realize how hot you are.
[they are all DE-ZOMBIFIED]
All: Hurrah!

1 comment:

Russell said...

Haha, this movie is so awesome. I saw it at the Wisc Film Fest last year (twice on vouchers!). The ending you condensed is the one in the theater. Man, gotta get this on DVD. The only way it could have been better is if there had been a war between the zombie dorks and the zombie popular kids.