Guest Post: Spider-Man 3

Oh, sequels. You're so clearly whores' movies, but we just keep encouraging them. Russell Reed manly-fies the posts with this action-packed condensation.
[It is NEW YORK]
Peter Parker
: My life is perfect and nothing can possibly go wrong. I’ll gonna ask MJ to marry me!
Mary Jane: I’m singing in a Broadway show! Nothing can possibly go wrong.
Harry Osborn: Hello, I’m going to go wrong all over your lives, because I’m sure Peter killed my dad. Never mind that my dad had just gone totally insane and was trying to kill lots of people.
[Harry and Peter FIGHT an AERIAL BATTLE in a fast and CONFUSING way]
Harry: I seem to have hit my head and lost my memory of being a dumbass. Hello friends! I would die for you* in the most blatant foreshadowed way.
Peter: Phew! That was close.
[MEANWHILE somewhere else in the CITY]
Flint Marko: Hello, I am one of the many villains in this movie. Unlike the others however, I am merely bad for the sake of trying to heal my sick daughter. This makes me sympathetic and makes this revelation at the end seem kind of trite since you the audience already know about it. Now if you excuse me, I need to go fall into the most unguarded and least monitored science experiment ever.
[LATER, in a FRENCH RESTAURANT where BRUCE CAMPBELL as a waiter does some SLAPSTICK involving when to bring out MJ’s engagement ring]
MJ: All the reviews for my show were horrible!
Peter: Don’t worry, I know how you feel. Spider-man had lots of critics too.
MJ: Stop trying to know how I feel! All you talk about is Spider-man!
Peter: That’s because I’m totally awesome.
MJ: Screw this, I’m going to go kiss Harry since he is all sane now.
Peter: What? Curse my ability to reference Spider-man at all times! Maybe going to the police station will bring some good news.
[Peter and Aunt May go to the POLICE station]
Police Chief Jack Bauer’s Dad: Looks like we goofed and this guy named Flint is the REAL killer of your uncle. My bad.
[Peter goes to SLEEP listening to the police band radio for CRAZY SAND DISTURBANCES since he fought the SAND DUDE earlier and I didn’t summarize it since this movie is LONG. Some BLACK ALIEN GOO fuses with Peter after CHILLING OUT in his room for a few days]
Peter: Wow, this new black suit is amazing and powerful! It cannot possibly have a down side! I just totally killed the sand dude using water, so there’s no way he can come back.
Harry: So Evil Mirror, I totally kissed MJ but she ran off. What’s the dealio?
Evil Mirror (displaying Harry’s dad): Hey, I was right about them. Here are all your memories back so you can go back to being wrong about everything.
Harry: Hey MJ, break up with Peter or I will kill him and you.
MJ: Ok, but only since you asked nicely and because it’s not like you would ever break your promise.
[She breaks up with Peter, and he becomes all EMO/EVIL with eyeliner and COMBE DOWN hair. He proceeds to STRUT down the street to James Brown, and it is HILARIOUSLY AWESOME. Later, Peter fights and DISFIGURES Harry and knocks MJ to the ground, but only the latter CONVINCES him that maybe his new THREADS aren’t so good]
Peter: Must..remove….suit during storm…with giant church bell ringing…for maximum drama!
Eddie Brock Jr.: Hooray, this is like the fourth scene I’m in! I’ll improve my sleazy image by asking God to kill Peter for all the bad things he did to me that were pretty much my fault. Thanks to my eagle eyesight I see him 20 stories up in the tower. I wonder what he’s up to?
[Peter removes the ALIEN, which falls upon Eddie and turns him into VENOM, but Peter of course doesn’t bother to RECAPTURE this pretty DANGEROUS alien goo]
Venom: Hey Flint, fancy running into you so quickly in the third largest urban area in the world. Let’s team up and kill Spider-man.
Flint: Ok crazy alien creature, even though your motives are much less savory than mine.
[MEANWHILE in Harry’s mansion]
Plot Device Butler: I know I probably should have said this two movies ago, but Spider-man totally didn’t kill your dad. He was killed with his own sword, and Spider-man doesn’t use swords!
Harry: I accept this flimsy reasoning so I can fulfill my foreshadowed duty.
[LATER at a building construction site]
MJ: Help! I’ve been captured yet again! I really need to replace the locks on my door.
[Peter fights both VENOM and the giant SANDMAN at the same time and gets almost KILLED to DEATH]
Harry: Hey Peter, I forgive you for messing up my face and making me think you killed my dad. Let’s team up and rescue MJ!
Peter: Sounds great! Your forgiveness has given me renewed vigor.
[The CLIMATIC BATTLE ensues. Harry is impaled by Venom, saving Peter and NOT SURPRISING the audience at all. Peter removes the ALIEN GOO from Eddie by ringing pipes since it hates DRAMATIC RINGING SOUNDS. He blows it up along with Eddie who doesn’t want to give up the POWER because he is full of HATE and UNFORGIVENESS]
Flint: Hey dude, the thing with your uncle was an accident. I was just trying to get money to fund an operation for my sick daughter.
Peter: I forgive you. Now go on your merry way to steal money!
[Flint flies away UNIMPEDED, making the audience wish that Venom could still be alive too since he was a more INTERESTING character]
Peter: Well, I certainly learned a lot about forgiveness. And about the properties of alien goop. So if you ever hit your significant other, blame it on the goo!


Emily Sue said...

Ok, I can read this now that I've seen it.
First of all, James Cromwell - underused!

Secondly - what the hell was that black stuff? Was it simply coincidental that it fell near Spiderman in the first place? I do not understand. Or really care. But it seemed like it would have warranted an explanation to its original source.

Lastly, Venom is coming back, I know it. That shit ain't gone!

Weak, totally weak. Hilarious synopsis, however.

Rob said...

Believe me, you did NOT want a Secret Wars movie to explain the origin of the black costume.

Dead-ON review, by the way.