5.12.2007

Disturbia

[it is the GLORIOUS MOUNTAINS]
Shia LeBeouf: Gee, Dad, fishing with you is super fun! I love you so much! I hope nothing ever happens to you.
[they get into a TERRIBLE CAR ACCIDENT and his father is KILLED]
Shia LeBeouf: Noooooo!!! I blame myself!!!! I shall become antisocial and angry.
[ONE YEAR LATER]
Spanish Teacher: You didn't do your homework? Your father would be ashamed.
Shia LeBeouf: [CLOCKS him in the FACE]
Judge: I'm putting you on house arrest. Be careful not to go crazy, now.
[various getting-used-to-house-arrest ACTIVITIES are shown, such as watching CHEATERS and eating SPOONFULS of PEANUT BUTTER dipped in HERSHEY'S SYRUP]
Shia LeBeouf: Wait a minute...I remember one time when Jimmy Stewart had a broken leg, he spied on his neighbors! Good plan! Especially since a super-hot girl just moved in next door!
Conveniently Placed News Report: Sources say that the killer may have been driving a 1960s-era Mustang with a dented left fender.
[the CREEPY NEIGHBOR, obviously played by David Morse, drives out of his garage in THE EXACT CAR JUST DESCRIBED]
Shia LeBeouf: Whaaaa? He must be the killer!!!
Best Friend: Sup, dude? I'm back from Hawaii, reporting for wisecracking duty.
Shia LeBeouf: There is a killer and also a super-hot girl in the neighborhood.
[they WATCH people for, like, an INTERMINABLE amount of time]
Hot Girl: Hey, I got locked out. Can I come be hot and hang out with you guys?
[they STAMMER but let her in and eventually set up a STAKEOUT of the KILLER, which involves the Hot Girl following him around in the HARDWARE STORE]
Creepy Neighbor: I know you're watching me.
Hot Girl:
Okay, give it up. Why do you watch people, anyway?
Shia LeBeouf: I only watch you. Well, and the killer.
Hot Girl: That's either the creepiest or the sweetest thing I've ever heard.*
[they MAKE OUT]
Carrie-Anne Moss: Somehow, I am your mom, and also, meet our neighbor. I think he likes me.
Creepy Neighbor: [SCARY MUSIC plays]
[they stage a BREAK-IN to the Creepy Neighbor's CAR and GARAGE and the Best Friend TRICKS Shia LeBeouf into thinking he is DEAD, which is a really MEAN trick]
Cops: You have broken house arrest again. We'll see you in court.
Best Friend: Check out the video I shot in your neighbor's house! It's sweeeeet!
Shia LeBeouf: What the fuck!?!? Apparently the video camera we are using allows me to zoom in to approximately 50 times the original resolution and see...A CORPSE!!!!!
Carrie-Anne Moss: I will use my feminine wiles to make sure our neighbor does not press charges.
[she ATTEMPTS to REASON with the Creepy Neighbor, but he BASHES her HEAD against a WALL]
Shia LeBeouf: MOOOOMMMMMM!!!! [repeat as necessary through the following sequence]
[he goes to the Creepy Neighbor's house and DISCOVERS many SUPER SECRET and SUPER SCARY rooms while being CHASED]
Shia LeBeouf: Mom! I found you!
Carrie-Anne Moss: [tape over MOUTH]
Creepy Neighbor: Ha HAAAA!
[he JUMPS OUT from behind Carrie-Anne Moss but is KILLED in the ensuing STRUGGLE]
Girl Sitting Next to Me: Shit, he scary even when he dead.
Cops: You are released from house arrest for some reason.
Shia LeBeouf: Hooray! Let's make out, Hot Girl.
[they DO]

2 comments:

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

Oh my god, this movie sounds intense. Was it good or stupid?

Emily Sue said...

I loved how the killer's basement had some sort of pond full o' bodies underneath a bunch of rotting boards, like he had been piling 'em up for 200 years...