5.16.2007

Election

You may have noticed that neither Reese Witherspoon nor Matthew Broderick appears on this poster. That's because THIS Election is a production of the Hong Kong cinema scene; you will find, however, that both films involve ambition and betrayal. Organized crime and high school really share more in common than most people might think.

Additionally, there were approximately 25 characters in this movie that at some point, I thought would be the main character and it just ended up being MAJORLY confusing.
~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is HONG KONG]
Elders of a Gang: We need a new leader. Unlike SOME governments, we democratically elect ours.
Most guys: I like Lok!
One Guy: I like Big D!
The Other Guys: Did he pay you to say that?
One Guy: Noooooo...[looks around SUSPICIOUSLY]
[we are introduced to the CANDIDATES: Lok, who has a SON and seems HONORABLE, and Big D, who makes a DUDE eat a PORCELAIN SPOON]
Uncle Teng: As the eldest of the uncles of this gang, I am pleased to tell you, Lok, that you have won the election.
Big D: Bitches!!!
[he KIDNAPS two of the UNCLES in the gang and ENCASES them in wooden BOXES which are ROLLED down a HUGE HILL]
Big D: I want the symbol of leadership for our gang, the baton!
Lok: But...I was elected. I want the baton.
[some DUDES from the gang are JAILED, but it doesn't really seem to MATTER, because they get to LEAVE their cells and talk to each other and stuff]
Whistle: As the previous Chairman, I have the baton, and I want to give it to Big D.
Jimmy: You rolled my boss down a hill! Jerks!
Big Head: I will go to China and retrieve the baton.
Kun: Oh, no you don't! I heard from the gang that I am supposed to get it.
[Kun BEATS Big Head with a LARGE PIECE OF WOOD to try and get the baton]
Big Head: If I embezzle from my brothers, I will be killed with 10,000 knives!*
Gang Leaders: [on phone] Big Head and Kun, you should help each other.
Kun: [stops BEATING Big Head] Oh. Sorry.
Spoon-Eating Dude: No! I want the baton! Wait, are we on the same side? I'm seriously confused.
[they have a COOL FIGHT that involves PAINT, CAR DOORS, and MACHETES but no GUNS]
Lok: Now I have the baton. I am your leader. Big D, let us make peace. I will be the Chairman now, and I will support you in the next election.
[they DRIVE to a LITERAL CROSSROADS, where Big D chooses the path of PEACE]
Big D: Let's make money together!*
[they SWEAR an OATH in a RIDICULOUSLY LONG ceremony involving CHICKEN'S BLOOD]
Lok: Ah, fishing is so wonderful. Son, Big D, Mrs. Big D...I'm so glad we could do this.
Big D: Hey, maybe we could be Chairmen together.
Lok: ...ohhhhhkay.
[he KILLS Big D with a HUGE ROCK by hitting him, like, LITERALLY 30 times in the head]
Lok Jr: Nooooooooo!!!
Mrs. Big D: Aaaaaaaaaa!!
Lok: Guess I'll have to kill you too.
[he KILLS Mrs. Big D with a SHOVEL that he then uses to DIG her GRAVE]
Lok: Let's go home.*
[he and his SON drive off into the SUNSET]

2 comments:

Emily Sue said...

That ridiculously loooooooong ceremony with the fakey-looking flashbacks of ancient times was the epitome of randomness. And then some chicken blood for good measure.

Spot on synopsis!

Tanya said...

Oh Hong Kong Cinema. How I love thee and thy randomness...