Guest Post: Orange County

Coming-of-age movies are a dime a dozen, which usually means there's one really awesome one, and then a bunch of wannabe, posery ones. For his inaugural appearance on this blog, Jason Whittle regales us with one of the latter category.
Son of Tom Hanks [in VOICE-OVER]: So, I used to be a cool kid and surf but now I’m smart and I read. I want to go to Stanford to write cuz my friend died while surfing and although we didn’t really mourn, I found this cool book in the sand.
Lily Tomlin: Stanford?!?! Sure! As your guidance counselor, I advise you to ONLY apply to one school.
[A LETTER comes]
Stanford: Umm, no thanks.
SoTH: But, you said…
Lily Tomlin: Wait, no, huh? What are you…umm…
SoTH: You sent the wrong transcripts!!!! AAAHHH!!!!!!
Lily Tomlin: FUCK YOU! And check out this fight choreography! [She KNEES him in the GROIN]
John Lithgow: I am John Lithgow, your dad. I won’t give you money in order to write.
Catherine O’Hara: But I am Catherine O’Hara and I am cool. I am your drunk mom, don’t you want to skip school and stay here with me and your loser brother, Jack Black?
SoTH: No.
CO’H: But I married BOB for you. I had sex with Bob. Four times. For you!*
[SHENANIGANS ensue with URINE, Jack Black in UNDERWEAR, DRUNK Catherine O’Hara, Dana Ivey and Bob, in a WHEELCHAIR careening down a HILL.]
SoTH: Hey, Girlfriend who’s afraid of losing me and is Sissy Spacek’s daughter, wanna go to Stanford to talk to the Dean of Admissions? Come along drunk and stoned brother, Jack Black.
[The GF accidentally gives Harold Ramis ECSTASY]
Harold Ramis: Oh, hi. I am the Dean. [He TOUCHES himself in a PROVACATIVE MANNER]
[MEANWHILE Jack Black sets the Dean’s OFFICE on FIRE with TERRIBLE-CGI-FLAMES]
SoTH: All my plans have failed. I shall sit dejectedly on this bench.
A Girl: Wanna go to a college party?
[There is a choreographed DANCE to that “Come my lady, come come my lady, you’re my butterfly, sugar, baby” song.]
SoTH: OMG!!! You’re my favorite writer, you wrote the book I found in the sand.
Kevin Kline: I am also Kevin Kline and I apparently owed someone a favor. Let us hurry through this odd scene that is tonally different than the rest of the movie so that I can fulfill my obligation and escape this schlock. You know, although I am a respected actor, I only really play this tweedy, collegey kind of guy. Let’s wax philosophical about talent being inside and it not mattering what school you go to. I’m sure that even if you go to UW-Whitewater, you’ll be a great writer. Thank you, this has been Kevin Kline.
SoTH: [RUNS toward future like Forrest Gump and then has SEX with his GF in a CAR, in front of his BROTHER]
CO’H & JL: We gave $15,000 to Stanford so you can now go there!
SoTH: Wait, after this schlocky tale of self-discovery and antics I have to sit here and be serious. I have to look like I’m thinking tho the audience knows that now that I CAN go to Stanford, I no longer WANT to. I shall stay here and go to a sub-par school and this look will tell the audience that no matter what, stay with your HS GF and pick your school in order to be together. I can surf AND read!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

So my ex-boyfriend, who attended the Universtiy of Indiana, a totally respectable school, felt the need to tell me on our second date that the ONLY reason that he didn't go to Julliard or NYU was because he had an "Orange County Situation" and they sent the wrong transcrips, and no one would let him reapply or send the right ones. Yeah, I think he was kind of a liar.

- Laura