Guest Post: La Belle et La Bete

Oh, Beauty and the Beast. Most people I hang around with are familiar with this story via the Disney version, featuring anthropomorphic household goods such as Lumiere the Horny Candelabra (voiced by Jerry Orbach, who I wish was my, like, cool uncle, if he wasn't dead) and Cogsworth the Slightly Effeminate Clock. But the story has had many incarnations, most awesomely in the TV series of the same name featuring Linda Hamilton as an assistant district attorney and Ron Perlman as a lion-man who lived in some sort of underground wonderland but would rescue Linda Hamilton when she was imperiled. In that version, the Beast (whose name was Vincent, incidentally, not "Beast") stayed an uggo to prove that it's what's inside that counts, which I guess is supposed to be the moral in this case also, but the Beast turns hot* at the end, so...I'm not really sure what we're supposed to learn. Laura McClain attempts to figure it out.
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[it is FRANCE a LONG time AGO]

Belle: La la la…I am so tender-hearted and kind. Everyone loves me.

Her Evil Sisters: We hate you so much, Belle.

Friend of Brother: Belle, you’re the hottest. Want to get married?

Belle: Uh…gosh, I’d like to…I really just can’t leave my dad.

Brother: Get off my sister, you scoundrel!

[they FIGHT in a PANSY-LIKE way, and the FRIEND FLIPS his hair AGGRESSIVELY]

Evil Sisters: Hey, look, Dad’s home!

Dad: Hey everyone! I’m going to make a crazy business deal in the forest to pay off our debts! Want me to bring you back some presents?

Evil Sisters: Cash, preferably. And jewels.

Belle: Just a single rose, to symbolize my goodness.

Evil Sisters: Ha ha! Sucker!

[they DEMAND to be LITERALLY CARRIED into TOWN by SERVANTS]

Dad: Bye, Belle.

[he RIDES into a MISTY forest, ENCOUNTERS a ROSE GARDEN, and TAKES a ROSE, which REALLY is AWFULLY RUDE]

In the Distance: Raaaaaar!

Dad: Wha??

[a rather DIMINUTIVE beast ENTERS]

Beast: How dare you steal my roses! Nobody fucks with my horticulture hobby! I must kill you now.

Dad: Are you serious?

Beast: Here’s a magical white glitter horse. Go home and hang out. I will expect you back to be killed tomorrow. Or, if you have a cute daughter, send her instead.

[Dad RIDES home, PROMISING to RETURN to be BRUTALLY murdered]

Dad: So, in short…so long, kids.

Evil Sisters and Brother: Dude, that sucks. Nice knowing ya.

[Belle LEAPS on the GLITTER horse in the MIDDLE of the NIGHT to go TAKE her DAD’S place, as she is a LIVING SAINT]

Beast: Sweet! Here are some gowns and jewels. I will ask you one question, every night, whispering it irritatingly into your ear. Will you be my wife?

Belle: God, no!

[he BACKS away MENACINGLY for a FEW paces, then turns and WALKS away NORMALLY, then TURNS back MENACINGLY and CLOSES some METAL doors and it is the FUNNIEST thing EVER]

[MEANWHILE, back at HOME]

Friend of Brother: Dude, I miss your hot sister. Let’s go rescue her.

Brother: Eh, she’s probably fine. Let’s play chess instead.

[they DO]

Belle: What has awakened me in the night?

Beast: Would you like me if I wasn’t so ugly?

Belle: Please stop watching me sleep.

[he POUTS]

Belle: What a lovely day for a stroll - gah!

Beast: I know I’m really hairy, but we could still be friends, right?

Belle: Your insecurity is really getting to me.

[he SULKS]

Belle: Oh, fine. We’re friends.

[he GIVES her a MAGICAL MIRROR, where she can SEE her DAD who is DYING of GRIEF but NEVER bothered to LOOK for HER]

Belle: Mon Dieu! I must save him!

Beast: Here are the magical French words to say to go see your dad. Come back, though.

[she SPEAKS the FRENCH words and then GOES through the WALL which is REALLY a COOL effect]

Belle’s Crappy Family: Sup, Belle? How’ve you been?

Belle: Where the hell have you guys been???

Evil Sisters: Wow, that’s a nice dress. Who is this guy you met?

[she SHOWS them the BEAST through the MIRROR, and they LAUGH at her for HAVING an UGLY boyfriend]

Belle: No, he’s pretty cool, actually. I think…I think I love him!

Evil Sisters: Hey brother and friend. Belle has a lot of cash now, and I think there’s more where that came from. If you go and rob the beast and kill him, we’ll get it. Plus, friend, you can finally bone Belle.

Brother and Friend: Sweet!

[they SOMEHOW summon the GLITTER HORSE and go to FIND the BEAST and it is KIND of GAY]

Belle: Well, gotta go.

[she GOES through the WALL and FINDS the BEAST, like DYING of SELF-PITY]

Brother: Hey, I bet this greenhouse holds riches! Climb the roof and see!

[the FRIEND does, and FALLS to his DEATH]

[MEANWHILE…]

Beast: I’m dying. Sorry you never loved me.

Belle: I actually do, I think.

Beast: Really? I -

[he DIES]

Belle: Aw, man!

[SUDDENLY, he SPRINGS up GAILY and - MON DIEU! - it’s the SAME actor as the BROTHER’S FRIEND!]

Beast: I took a less hideous form. Your love broke the spell. Who am I now?

Belle: You look like my brother’s friend.

Beast: Did you love him?*

Belle: Oui.*

Audience: She did?

[Belle and the Beast-in-Guise-of-Hotter-Guy FLY into the SKY TRIUMPHANTLY]

*Did anyone else notice how the cartoon "hot man" version of the Beast was totally not hot at all? I mean, Prince Eric of The Little Mermaid...he was a fox. A two-dimensional, weirdly proportioned fox, but a fox nonetheless. But the Beast Prince sort of looked like he had been born of a mother who took a non-FDA-approved acne medication while she was pregnant with him.