In some cases, these condensations are intended to replace a viewing of the film because a viewing would be a waste of time and money.
This is decidedly not one of those cases.
Seriously. If you have not yet seen it, watch it immediately. Download it from somewhere. Now. Because holy motherfucking shit, it is INTENSE.
Tanya, who is wise like an owl, says of this film: "When it comes to grown women getting it on with teenage boys, I've always thought, "I didn't want to fuck 15-year-olds when I was fifteen. Why would a grown ass woman do that?" But in this movie, they had to get the HOTTEST 15-YEAR-OLD EVER!!!" And she ain't never lied.
But that's not why you should see it. Blanchett brings her A game, and that's saying a lot. And The Dench...I don't really think I need to elaborate.
[it is ISLINGTON]
Judi Dench: I write diaries, though I am the loneliest old lady in the world.
Cate Blanchett: Hello. I'm new here. I thought I'd try teaching, because I am a bored housewife.
Judi Dench: My god...she's beautiful. I will befriend her. [in her DIARY] Her family is not what I expected. I will use this to my advantage.
[she sees Cate Blanchett BLOWING a student who is the HOTTEST FIFTEEN-YEAR-OLD anyone has ever seen]
Cate Blanchett: Please don't tell anyone!!!!!!
Judi Dench: I'm your friend...I wouldn't do that. You just need to end it. [in her DIARY] Now I have her right where I want her.
[Cate Blanchett continues her AFFAIR with the HOT, HOT CHILD]
Judi Dench: You have betrayed me!! But I shall never let it show. My cat, my only friend other than you, is sick.
Cate Blanchett: Sorry.
Judi Dench: When I was at school and one of us was feeling down, we used to stroke each other.*
Cate Blanchett: Okay, that's...really weird.
[her CAT has to be put to SLEEP and she makes Cate Blanchett CHOOSE her FAMILY or the DEAD CAT]
Cate Blanchett: Don't make this mean more than it does!!*
Bill Nighy: Um...are you getting in the car with your family?
Cate Blanchett: I'm coming!
Judi Dench: You shall pay.
[she DROPS a HINT to another staff member that the AFFAIR is happening]
The Media: Scandal! Scandal! Scandal!
The Mom of the Hot Child: AAAAAAAA!!!! [BEATS Cate Blanchett up]
Bill Nighy: Please leave. I don't even know you anymore.
Cate Blanchett: Can I stay with you?
Judi Dench: Yessssssssss...
[Cate Blanchett DISCOVERS the diaries and SEES that Judi Dench is BATSHIT CRAZY]
Cate Blanchett [to Media Circus]: HERE I AM!!!!! Okay, I'm going home, because I want no part in some sort of imagined love affair between me and a crazy person.
[she goes back to her HUSBAND and gets JAIL TIME for doing a MINOR]
Judi Dench: [to some RANDOM] I knew her, you know. Perhaps I shall know you as well...
[the CRAZY OLD LESBIAN cycle repeats itself]