We do have a love/hate relationship with the weepy chick flick around here, and it has been manifesting itself bigtime lately. Sorry about that. I promise to condense something scary next or something. Laura McClain takes us on yet another nausea*-inducing journey through the human heart.
*but the good kind of nausea. Sometimes. If there is a good kind.
[it is a RETIREMENT home]
James Garner: Hello, pretty lady. What say I read a touching story of love to you?
Gena Rowlands: Who are you?
[it is a SIMPLER time]
Ryan Gosling: I sure am a daring rapscallion! Why, hello pretty lady. What say you go on a date with me?
Rachel McAdams: Not interested. Sorry.
Ryan Gosling: C’mon, please?
Rachel McAdams: Seriously, no. But thanks anyway.
Ryan Gosling: PLEASE??!?!?!?
[he THREATENS to COMMIT suicide to FORCE her to DATE him]
Rachel McAdams: God, okay!
[INSTEAD of going on a REAL DATE, they LAY in a ROAD]
Rachel McAdams: You are adventurous and winsome! You are nothing like my stiff upbringing!
[they start DATING, and EVERYTHING is IDYLLIC, until…]
Joan Allen: Who is this coarse boy you have brought home??
[her RICH family STARES at him ICILY]
Ryan Gosling: Your family hates me! I don’t know if we can go out anymore!
[though it is a TOTALLY routine FIGHT, they are TORN apart]
Joan Allen: We are moving away from this ne’er do well boy!
[they DO, and then there is a WAR, of COURSE]
Ryan Gosling: [fights HEROICALLY, and WATCHES his CHILDHOOD friend DIE]
Rachel McAdams: [becomes a NURSE and HEALS a WOUNDED soldier who LOVES her]
[back in the PRESENT]
Gena Rowlands: What a sad tale.
James Garner: Yes.
[he STARES at her MEANINGFULLY]
[back in the PAST]
Ryan Gosling: I am haunted and depressed. This somehow makes me hotter.
[he SULKS, HOTLY]
Sam Shepherd: Here’s all my money, son. Build your huge dream mansion. Then she’ll come back to you.
Audience: The hell?
[Ryan Gosling BUILDS a LITERAL MANSION with his BARE HANDS, because LOST LOVE gave him POWER or SOMETHING]
Rachel McAdams: Oh my God, my summer romance from when I was seventeen built a mansion! It’s in the paper!
[she FAINTS, and then GOES to SEE the HOUSE]
Ryan Gosling: OMG, it TOTALLY worked! She’s here!
Rachel McAdams: I’m getting married. WHY DIDN’T YOU CALL ME?!?!*
[they have SURPRISINGLY HOT SEX]
Rachel McAdams: Hey mom, I’m not getting married to that lame wounded guy. I’m staying here with my high school boyfriend.
Joan Allen: I once loved a poor man too. Perhaps I have done you wrong.
[she GAZES WISTFULLY at some ITINERANT workers]
[back at the RETIREMENT home, which is the same MANSION that Ryan Gosling BUILT]
Gena Rowlands: What a nice story! Hey…don’t I know you?
James Garner: [CRIES, because she has ALZHEIMER’S]