[it is a CITY]
Morgan Freeman: After a long lifetime of hard work on the force, I am ready to retire in a week. Ahhhhh. I sure hope no totally crazy case comes up that forces me to change my plans.
Brad Pitt: The city! I’m in the city! I’m solvin’ crimes! It’s amazing! Let’s go, let’s solve some fuckin’ crimes!
Morgan Freeman: Now there, son, settle down. Just settle down. You’re liable to fly right off the handle, you keep acting crazy like that. Listen to me and my wisdom.
[they report to a CRIME SCENE in which this FAT MAN had to eat a bunch of SPAGHETTI until he EXPLODED and it is WAY GROSS]
Morgan Freeman: I shall solve this, my last and greatest case, before I retire. However, I don’t know if this young upstart can handle the gritty reality of this city. I shall use my wisdom to help him learn about himself and the world.
[they report to a CRIME SCENE in which this LAWYER had to cut a POUND OF FLESH from his own body and it is WAY GROSS]
Morgan Freeman: See the word “greed” there? My mad crazy detective skills tell me that we are dealing with a seven deadly sins serial killer. Shit, I thought I was retiring.
Gwyneth Paltrow: Please come over for dinner so that I can have an overly familiar relationship with you in a father figure type fashion.
Morgan Freeman: Cool.
[they report to a CRIME SCENE in which this dude is TIED TO A BED and you TOTALLY think he’s DEAD but he’s NOT, he’s just WAY GROSS]
Gwyneth Paltrow: I want to have an abortion.
Morgan Freeman: Don’t tell your husband. Carry the weight all alone in the world.
[they use LIBRARY INFORMATION to locate a SUSPECT and CHASE him, but he GETS AWAY]
Brad Pitt: [has an EMOTIONAL OUTBURST]
Morgan Freeman: [says something WISE]
[they report to a CRIME SCENE in which this dude was forced to HAVE SEX with a WHORE with some sort of TORTURE CONDOM on and it is WAY GROSS]
[they report to a CRIME SCENE in which this girl had to choose between SUICIDE or LIVING WITHOUT A NOSE, which is really not that GROSS when you compare it to all the other KILLINGS]
Brad Pitt: Dang!! Why can’t we find this guy?!?!
Kevin Spacey, covered in blood: Um, I’m right here.
Brad Pitt: Oh.
Kevin Spacey, covered in blood: I am turning myself in, but only if you let me lead you to the other bodies, and on the way I will tell you my manifesto of today’s fucked-up world.
Brad Pitt: Sounds awesome. Let’s go.
[they go to the DESERT and receive a PACKAGE when they get there]
Morgan Freeman: Um…don’t open this box.
Brad Pitt: Why not?
Kevin Spacey: So…you know how envy and wrath are left? Well, I’m envy, because I envied you. And I took something from your wife…her pretty head.
Brad Pitt: Nooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!
Kevin Spacey: So now if you could kill me, that would be really great, because then my plan will have worked.
Morgan Freeman: Don’t do it! Don’t give him the satisfac – oh, what am I saying? You’ve been established as rash, impetuous, easy to anger, and emotional. Go ahead and shoot the man.
[he DOES and is CARTED away]
Morgan Freeman: Well, guess I’m not going anywhere. Here are some parting extremely wise words.


Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

Um, hi, another movie I will never see. Cool.

Russell said...

I remember seeing the ending and saying "wow, that was powerful," but then I thought more about it and changed my opinion to "meh." So the whole point was that people are sinful. Woop de doo.

humboldt honey said...

I hated this movie. I got tricked into seeing it because Brad Pitt is cute and I didn't do my homework on what the movie was actually about. The guy in the bed scene caused me to sleep with the light on for weeks. Your version is way better/less nightmare-inducing.