4.03.2007

Pretty Woman


[it is HOLLYWOOD, where everyone got a DREAM]
Julia Roberts: This hard-knock life of hooking sure is lame. Fortunately, I haven't succumbed to any sort of addiction and still cling to my dreams of being rescued on a white horse.
Laura San Giacomo: Girl, cut that shit out. Let's go eat some garnishes.
[they ENCOUNTER Richard Gere in his borrowed LAMBORGHINI]
Richard Gere: I lost my wife, my girlfriend, my apartment, and my dog. And I can't even drive this car.
Julia Roberts: I'll show you how, baby...for the right price.
[she DRIVES him to the Reg Bev Wilt Hotel, where they WATCH I Love Lucy, eat STRAWBERRIES and CHAMPAGNE and DON'T kiss on the MOUTH]
Richard Gere: Tell ya what...I'll pay you $3000 to hang out with me for a week and buy you all sorts of fancy clothes.
Julia Roberts: [SINKS into BATHWATER with GLEE]
Hector Elizondo: What are you doing here?!! You must be Richard Gere's...niece?
Julia Roberts: Uh, yeah...that's why I'm wearing this spandex dress and thigh-high boots that every girl secretly wishes she had and could pull off. But I can, bitches. I can!!
[she goes SHOPPING on Rodeo Drive, where the SALESWOMEN are totally MEAN, but she gets a COCKTAIL DRESS later]
Julia Roberts: You work on commission, right? Big mistake. Big. HUGE.*
Richard Gere: Let us go to the opera. Somehow, I think you will enjoy it, though no one actually really enjoys opera.
[she PEES her PANTS because the opera is SO AMAZING]
Jason Alexander: I see your game, Gere. She's a dirty whore!! Share! Share!
Julia Roberts: I am not a whore! Look at my brown dress with white polka dots! This is not a whore's dress! Not anymore!
Richard Gere: Well, the week's up. See ya.
Julia Roberts: You have changed my life, rich man. Now I dress in Casual Corner separates and want to attend dental hygenist school. This is truly the American Dream.
[he RETURNS in a LIMO with FLOWERS, because all girls, even EX-WHORES, want to be RESCUED now and then]
Julia Roberts: Aren't you afraid of heights?
Richard Gere: Shut up.
[they live HAPPILY EVER AFTER. with HERPES]

3 comments:

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

I've actually never seen this movie which is weird. It sounds like I would be really annoyed by the end of it, though.

Anonymous said...

Bit of trivia - when the movie was originally screened, Richard Gere went back to New York, and Julia went back to the streets. As would probably happen in life. Apprently, there were riots in the streets, so Garry Marshall quickly filmed a hackneyed and cliche-ridden "Cinderella" ending. I love how people refuse to acknowledge that this movie is nothing but a poor man's 90's Pygmalion. Nevertheless, I still kind of like it.

- Laura

humboldt honey said...

This is my grandma's all-time favorite movie. She owns it PLUS she watches it on TV EVERY TIME it's on, which is apparently ALL THE TIME. She says it's like Cinderella with Hookers and everyone should like it.