Guest Post: Where the Heart Is

Laura McClain was lucky, and watched this on television. I, on the other hand, saw it IN THE THEATER, but only because we got there too late to see U-571, which had already started. Talk about a rock and a hard place. But shit, at least Jon Bon Jovi is in U-571. The thing about Laura's condensed version below: it's not at all over-the-top compared to the actual film. And don't forget - Natalie Portman names her baby AMERICUS. And it's a girl baby.
[it is CLEARLY the SOUTH, in the 1990’s]
Natalie Portman: I sure am excited that you and me are going to Oklahoma to make a life for ourselves and our unborn baby. I will now tell you my hopes and dreams, to both illustrate my naive nature, and to give me a checklist of life goals to achieve by the end of this movie.
[she LISTS off her LIFE GOALS, all of which are kind of WHITE TRASH]
Baby Daddy: Look, a Wal-Mart. Go inside.
Natalie Portman: Well, all right. But you stay right there, cause I know you are fully equipped to handle being a baby dadd-
[he SCREECHES away]
Natalie Portman: Shucks! I guess I’m-a gonna have to live in this-here Wal-Mart!
[we see many SCENES of her having WHOLESOME fun in the Wal-Mart late at night, but I still DON’T want to LIVE there]
Stockard Channing: Why, ain’t you the prettiest little knocked-up seventeen-year-old my eyes ever did see! Here, have a tree.
[she GIVES her a LITERAL tree]
Wise Photographer: [SAYS boring WISE THINGS]
Local “Weirdo”: Though I appear gruff and weird, I am actually a lot more normal than you good-hearted Okies. Since when is it weird to not invite a strange pregnant girl to live in your trailer with you?
[Natalie Portman GOES into LABOR and he JUMPS through a WINDOW to SAVE her, which means he was SPYING on her LIVING in the Wal-Mart, which is CREEPY]
Natalie Portman: Oh no! I can’t a-live in the Wal-Mart no more! What will I do??
Entire Town: We embrace you! Come wallow in good-hearted eccentricity with us!
[she DOES, living with Stockard Channing and BEFRIENDING Ashley Judd who is also really WHITE TRASH]
Natalie Portman: I wonder what wacky, Southern-fried mishaps I can get into now?
[many supposedly WACKY yet actually TRAGIC things happen, such as KIDNAPPING, faux-pregnancy, PHOTOGRAPHY, a fatal TORNADO, ALCOHOLISM, more PREGNANCY, probably another TORNADO and DEATH]
Natalie Portman: Phew! That sure was a crazy series of events in mah life! I guess the tragedy is all used up now -
[because their LIVES are not SAD and WHITE TRASH enough, Ashley Judd’s KIDS get MOLESTED]
Local “Weirdo”: Damn, when you look at the laundry list of things, this movie is much more tragic than heartwarming. What say you and I get married, cause I am clearly crazy in love with you, and helped you raise your daughter and was essentially your slave for five years?
Natalie Portman: No thanks. I don’t want you to be all white-trash too. I clearly hate myself, and don’t want either me or mah child to be happy. Plus, I found out that my baby daddy had a totally irrelevant subplot in which he was in jail, then was a country singer, then got his legs chopped off by a train.
Audience: Am I watching a fucking “Lifetime” movie?
Movie Director: Eee - better wind this up happily.
Ashley Judd: I found love again with a non-molester!
Wise Photographer: [BORES us again with his WISDOM]
Baby Daddy: I didn’t even like mah legs!
Local “Weirdo”: I am no longer weird!
Natalie Portman: Oh, all right. I’ll marry you.
Audience: Phew. I am uplifted. Let’s go to Wal-Mart.


humboldt honey said...


Nicole said...

I read the BOOK!

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

I just realized that you need to review Castaway so that you can have another movie with the tag "Product Placement." I would review it for you except that I remember nothing about it except for crying uncontrollably when Wilson died. And then being like "OMG I am crying over a dead volleyball."