4.17.2007

Misery


[it is THE MOUNTAINS]
James Caan: Hurrah! I have finished the novel that ends this series...finally! I shall smoke a single cigarette and drink a glass of Dom Perignon, as is my wont.
[he tries to DRIVE in a HORRIBLE BLIZZARD and CRASHES his car into a BANK of SNOW]
Kathy Bates: I will save you!!!
[she PRIES the car door open and RESCUES him]
James Caan: Wha - what happened?
Kathy Bates: You were in a terrible accident. But don't worry. I'm a nurse. A crazy, crazy nurse. And I'm going to take care of you. Can I read this manuscript?
James Caan: You seem nice. Sure, read it.
[she READS the novel while he RECUPERATES]
Kathy Bates: Nooooooooo!!!! You killed her! You killed the character after whom I named my pig!! Burn the book! And write me a better one!
James Caan: Though you are clearly crazy, I refuse.
[she flicks LIGHTER FLUID onto his BED and it is TOTALLY CREEPY]
James Caan: Fine, I’ll burn it and write you a new one, but this paper smudges. Can I have some better paper?
Kathy Bates: Fine. Be right back.
[he makes many ATTEMPTS TO ESCAPE that are THWARTED, but reveal that she is a PSYCHO MURDERER who KILLS BABIES]
James Caan: I gotta get out of here.
Kathy Bates: You tried to escape. I can’t have that.
[she BREAKS HIS ANKLES with a FUCKING SLEDGEHAMMER]
James Caan: Okay, this is just getting ridiculous. Perhaps I shall use the fact that I smoke a cigarette after each finished novel to my advantage. Take that, crazy!!
[he BURNS the newly finished MANUSCRIPT]
Kathy Bates: Nooooooo!!!
[he KILLS her with his TYPEWRITER because she is SO CRAZY]
James Caan: Now I shall write a tale of this encounter that will rocket me to the top of the best-seller list. Hurrah.

1 comment:

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

Holy shit! This is why I do not watch these kinds of movies. I almost had a heart attack just reading the synopsis.