4.16.2007

Guest Post: Fried Green Tomatoes

Don't you love a tale of the past and love and loss and seizing the day? I know I do, especially when folksy wisdom is involved. Laura McClain spreads her not-so-much-folksy, but-really-rather-urban wisdom all over a big platter of fried green tomatoes, which sound kind of gross but are actually really good. They are fried, after all, and we Wisconsinites know from fried.
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[it is the SOUTH, in the 1980’s]
Kathy Bates: I am overweight and vaguely depressed.. I wish something would inspire me to take hold of my life.
[she GOES to a NURSING home to VISIT her husband’s MEAN aunt, who YELLS at her]
Kathy Bates: I think I’ll just wait in the lounge.
Jessica Tandy: Hello! Have you ever had one-a-them fleet enemas?*
Kathy Bates: Wha?
Jessica Tandy: I am old and adorable, and can instinctively tell that you are sad and could benefit from my Southern-fried wisdom.
[she TELLS Kathy Bates a TALE of her YOUTH, but she is NOT a CHARACTER in her own STORY, which is kind of SUSPICIOUS]
[it is the PAST]
Chris O’Donnell: I am the perfect, smart, amazing, hot older brother. I am clearly too good for this world.
[he gets HIT by a TRAIN, giving his little SISTER and his GIRLFRIEND lasting psychological DAMAGE]
Mary Stuart Masterson: I don’t need no refinement! I like gambling down at the river with all my buddies, getting loaded and goin’ fishing! Wait, who are you again?
Mary-Louise Parker: Remember me? I was your dead brother’s girlfriend. Your mom asked me to come and hang out with you or something.
Mary Stuart Masterson: Hell no!
[she PUTS Mary-Louise Parker through a SERIES of TESTS to SCARE her OFF, like JUMPING off a MOVING train and WEARING a COAT of live BEES]
Mary Stuart Masterson: Wow, she’s actually kind of cool! Wait a second….I - I think I might lov-
Mary-Louise Parker: Hey, guess what! I’m getting married!
Mary Stuart Masterson: NOOOOO!
[some TIME passes]
Mary Stuart Masterson: Hey, what’s up? Haven’t seen you in a while! Nice shiner! Hey - wait a second…
[she BEATS UP Mary-Louise Parker’s ABUSIVE husband, and they OPEN a CAFE]
[back in the PRESENT]
Kathy Bates: I am so inspired by these tales I hear! TOWANDA!!!!!!!!!
[she becomes AWESOME, going on a DIET, selling MARY KAY and RAMMING into the CAR of some SKINNY BITCHES]
[it is the PAST again]
Stereotypical Southern Cop: You killed this woman’s estranged husband. You’re gonna hang!
Mary Stuart Masterson: Who me? Uh…no way, man. I, uh, didn’t, um, kill anyone.
[the COP eats BARBECUE, cause that is their SPECIALTY, while many SECONDARY characters look around SHIFTILY]
[back in the PRESENT]
Kathy Bates: Yoo-hoo, Mrs. Threadgoode! I made you fried green tomatoes to thank you for changing my life!
Nursing Home Nurse: Oh, your friend died, by the way.
Kathy Bates: NOOOOO!
Nursing Home Nurse: Oh wait. I didn’t mean her. My bad.
Jessica Tandy: Hey, they barbecued the abusive husband. And Mary-Louise Parker died horribly. And I guess they were lesbians, although it was never really stated.
Audience: Ohhhhh! NOW I get it!
[they WALK by Mary-Louise Parker’s GRAVE, and Jessica Tandy GIVES a MEANINGFUL look, like MAYBE she was Mary-Stuart Masterson the WHOLE time, even though that’s NOT what HAPPENS in the BOOK]

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