Ferris Bueller's Day Off

[it is the 1980s]
Matthew Broderick: I'm sick, Mom.
His Mom: You can stay home.
Matthew Broderick: Suckaaaaaaas! Now I shall cavort merrily around Chicago with my BFF, who is so uptight that if you stuck a piece of charcoal up his ass, in a week you'd have a diamond, and my GF, who is totally hot. I'm gonna marry her.
[he COERCES his best friend into basically STEALING his own father's CAR]
BFF: Ferris, my father lives for this car. He buffs it with a diaper.
Matthew Broderick: We need it to get GF out of school.
[he POSES as his GF's dad and they FRENCH KISS in the school PARKING LOT]
Matthew Broderick: Hooray! Let's go do a bunch of stuff that we could not possibly do in a single day's time, such as visit the Art Institute and the Sears Tower and a fancy restaurant and a Cubs game and the Stock Exchange. Quick! We can only stay at the Cubs game for one inning if we want to do all this touristy stuff, though we live in Chicago.
BFF: Yeah, well, I haven't seen anything good today.
[Matthew Broderick joins SOME SORT OF PARADE and sings on a FLOAT, because they really have TIME for that sort of thing]
Matthew Broderick: How about that? Good enough for you, complainer?
[meanwhile, at HOME]
Mean Principal: Ferris has missed school NINE TIMES. He's totally cutting.
[he gets ATTACKED by a dog and KICKED IN THE FACE by Jennifer Grey as he gazes at the WATER TOWER which reads "Save Ferris"]
Jennifer Grey: Oh, and just in case you were thinking about doing anything else: I have herpes.
[back in the CITY]
Matthew Broderick: We gotta go! My parents are almost home!
BFF: SHIT! The car! Someone's been driving it around!
Matthew Broderick: We can fix it!
[BFF KICKS the car into a RAVINE]
Matthew Broderick: ...or that. That's cool too.
[he RACES through EVERYONE'S HOUSE and goes on a TRAMPOLINE in time to GET HOME before his PARENTS]
Matthew Broderick: Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you might miss it.*
[meanwhile, on a SCHOOL BUS]
Weird Girl: You want some gummi bears? They've been in my pocket so they're all soft.
Mean Principal: Thwarted again, Bueller!! Arrrr!!


Anonymous said...

They NEVER would have gotten same-day Cubs tickets.


Movie Maven said...


of course, if that scene wasn't in there, we wouldn't have "heeeeeybattabattabattabatta," which would be tragic.

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

for some reason i felt like you would like this.

hot-ham-water said...

hey anna! it's kat- laurie's friend from high school that you met in new york...at klong...like last month. ok. anyway, i have been reading these posts like all week not knowing who you were and when i finally told laurie how funny i thought these were, she told me it was you! i have to say, these posts are basically brilliant and i have actually read some of them out loud to my man shawn and could barely contain myself! i love them all, but some of my favorites are "where the heart is," "the sound of music," "misery," and "centerstage." you are hysterical and i can't wait to hang out more when laurie is here!...or maybe sooner!

Movie Maven said...

you're too funny, kat! yes, we should def hang out! (though lauren and i have been saying that for AGES and do we ever actually do it? no, we do not. i blame myself.)

Anonymous said...

Book deal.