Guest Post: Under the Tuscan Sun

Poor Diane Lane. She's totally hot, and apparently semi-talented, and was quite charming/likable in The Perfect Storm, and also appeared in not one, but two movies made from 7th grade reading books starring Matt Dillon, so that must count for something. But seriously, girl. This film, which Laura McClain recounts in all its glory, was followed closely by Must Love Dogs, otherwise known as The Movie That Made My Sister Hate John Cusack, Whom She Had Heretofore Loved Forever. It was that bad.

Fortunately, Ms. Lane's next project is something called Killshot, which features Mickey Rourke as someone named Armand "The Blackbird" Degas, leading me to believe there will be fight choreography and/or gunfights. Could be a good move, Diane.
[it is the PRESENT]
Diane Lane: My husband cheated on me! My life is over! BOO HOO!
Sandra Oh: I can think of the perfect cure for your misery. Go on a gay tour of Tuscany in my place, as I am about to birth a baby with Dr. Addison Montgomery-Shepherd.
[she is RELUCTANT, but GOES]
Diane Lane: How charming this foreign land is! Why, what’s this?
[she CONVENIENTLY stumbles upon a “decrepit” VILLA]
Wise Italian Realtor: You are in luck, miserable American! This villa is for sale!
[the OWNER doesn’t want to SELL it to her, but then a bird SHITS on her, which is GOOD LUCK so she BUYS it]
Diane Lane: What have I done?!?!?
Sandra Oh: What have you done?!?!?!
Diane Lane: I will hire charming day laborers, each with a touching story, and renovate this house. Perhaps I shall even learn a lesson about what’s really important.
[there are many house-fixing MONTAGES, complete with VOICEOVER that show Diane Lane doing HOUSEWORK and MOPING around AGAIN, some MORE]
Diane Lane: Wah wah. I need a vacation.
Viewing Audience: You’re in fucking Tuscany!!
[she GOES to ROME and gets SEXUALLY harassed by STEREOTYPICAL Italians, and then MEETS a very HOT Italian man.]
Hot Italian: You think I am trying to pull you up?*
[they go to a COSTAL paradise on a VESPA and then BONE, obviously]
Diane Lane: I got my groove back!
Sandra Oh: Hey, I’m here! My lesbian lover left me, while I was eight months pregnant. Now I feel your pain.
[they MOPE some more, and then she gives BIRTH]
Diane Lane: This new baby makes me appreciate life. Plus, I am horny for Italian love again.
[she GOES to the COSTAL town for a BOOTY call, but the hot Italian has a new GIRLFRIEND, because it’s been, like, MONTHS]
Diane Lane: Gaaah! Heartbreak!!!
[she RETURNS in DESPAIR, but soon the LOVE of QUIRKY secondary CHARACTERS again LIFTS her SPIRITS]
Italians: We embrace you to our full, warm, stereotypical bosom! Let the healing begin!
[they have a SECONDARY character WEDDING in which Diane Lane LEARNS to HEAL some MORE]
Christopher from Gilmore Girls: Why, hello pretty American lady. I am also American, so no worries about possibly offensive cross-cultural love.
Diane Lane: Hooray!
[they all LIVE happily EVER after, with no NEED for Diane Lane to get a JOB, or ever LEARN Italian, cause EVERYONE in this REMOTE Tuscan VILLAGE speaks ENGLISH]


Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

haha I love this. one good thing about this movie: the scenery was insanely beautiful.

I actually reviewed this movie when I interned at a newspaper in college.

Movie Maven said...

Laura's comment about it when we were discussing it was "it's scenery porn."