4.28.2007

The Good Girl


[it is AMERICA]
Jennifer Aniston: Wow, does working at the Retail Rodeo ever suck ass. My dead-end, uninspiring job, my lame-ass husband, my boring friends...I'm seriously depressed. I sure wish someone would come into my life to change all that.
Angsty Girl Worker: Fuck you very much.*
Customer: What?
Angsty Girl Worker: Thank you very much.
Jake Gyllenhaal: I am hot/brooding. My name is Holden, you know, like Catcher in the Rye? I pretty much live my life like that other Holden. Wanna hang out? I mean, provided the whole puppy-eyed, angsty post-teen thing works for you.
Jennifer Aniston: I'm married.
Jake Gyllenhaal: Meet me at Chuck E. Cheese, clandestinely.
[she TRIES to go to Chuck E. Cheese but her FRIEND at work eats some BAD BERRIES and has to go to the HOSPITAL, so she is LATE]
Jake Gyllenhaal: You're late. But you're here. Can we please have the hottest sex ever?
Jennifer Aniston: Yes, please.
[they BONE in the motel and it is CRAZY HOT]
Tim Blake Nelson: I seen you with that boy. Now you have to have sex with me, for you are the perfect woman, and if you don't, I'll tell your husband, my best friend.
Jennifer Aniston: Fine.
Jake Gyllenhaal: Noooooooooo!!!!!! You have exacerbated the mental instability I already possess!!
[she tries to KILL HIM with the BAD BERRIES that killed her FRIEND but DOESN'T]
Jennifer Aniston: Shit, now I'm pregnant with some crazy kid's baby.
John C. Reilly: You're pregnant?!?! AWESOME!!!
Coworker: Did you hear? Someone stole a bunch of money from the retail rodeo!!
Jake Gyllenhaal, in disguise: It was me! Let's run away together!
[Jennifer Aniston goes HOME to get some things and then comes to a LITERAL CROSSROADS]
Jennifer Aniston: I was stupid to think I could change my life by having an affair with an imbalanced, though incredibly hot, younger man. I guess I'll just have this baby and raise it with my stupid-ass husband.
[she RATS on Jake Gyllenhaal and he KILLS HIMSELF]
Store Manager: Well, he's dead. [plays WHO'S SORRY NOW on the loudspeakers]
John C. Reilly: Waaaaaaaaait a minute. This baby ain't mine!!
Jennifer Aniston: ...and I'm still depressed.
[they live MISERABLY ever after, just like REAL LIFE]

2 comments:

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

I half-heartedly tried to write one of these for you for Roadhouse since I just saw it two nights ago but I already forgot what happened except for like 17 zillion bar brawls and someone getting his throat ripped out and a polar bear falling on someone and Patrick Swayze never wearing a shirt, ever.

BAP said...

Jake Gyllenhaal killing himself, is like, the sexiest thing ever.
Or maybe I'm just weird.