4.13.2007

Cast Away


[it is AMERICA]
Tom Hanks: I'm tough, but fair! With FedEx, you get the World On Time (tm)! Let's ship some boxes! I like this one with the angel wings...
Workers: Hooray for international shipping!
[they put boxes on a PLANE that CRASHES in the SEA]
Helen Hunt: Nooooo!!!!
Tom Hanks: But I'm not dead!!!!!!
[he spends LOTS OF TIME on this desert ISLAND, befriending a VOLLEYBALL, removing his own tooth with an ICE SKATE BLADE, and attempting SUICIDE]
Tom Hanks: Wilson, maker of the finest sports equipment available, why am I so lonely?
Volleyball: [silence]
Tom Hanks: I hate you!!!!
Volleyball: [silence]
Tom Hanks: Okay, you're forgiven.
[he makes a RAFT and sets SAIL, but the VOLLEYBALL does not survive the VOYAGE]
People on a Boat: What the fuck?
[they RESCUE him]
FedEx people: What the FUCK?
Helen Hunt: What the FUUUUUCCCKKK?!?!?!
[everyone is REUNITED but SKETCHED OUT because they had given Tom Hanks up for DEAD]
Helen Hunt: I have a child and am married to Mr. Big, presumably for a while, since my child is, like two, and you were only gone for four years. Sorry.
Tom Hanks: Whatevs. I must find the woman for whom this angel-winged package was intended.
[he drives to MONTANA or something, and FINDS her and PRESUMABLY is HAPPY]

1 comment:

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

Yes! I cannot believe that you were able to produce this ON DEMAND in like two hours. Your powers of movie-related memory are incredible. I remembered literally nothing from this movie except the damn volleyball dying and crying about it a lot.

Also: I love Fedex. And Wilson, maker of the finest sporting equipment available.

OMG I just got the best Word Verification of all time!!!

poyoilzp

I could say that all day! Poyoilzp!