3.07.2007

Sight Unseen: License to Wed

Dear John Krasinski,
You must know that your wry looks into the camera send millions of women (and probably men, though our gay friends have not confessed the kind of obsession with you that our female friends have) into a swoon each week. As we work at our own dreary, unfunny offices, overhearing our cubemates leave voicemails for their cats (“I can’t wait to get home and feed you!”) and mispronounce words (“It came out all jarbled.”), we dream of selling paper in Scranton, as long as someone as cute as you is there to hide people’s cell phones in the ceiling. Sometimes it’s hard to separate fiction from reality, John. Which is why we’re writing you today. John, this thing with Mandy Moore has got to stop. Look, I know you’re “acting,” and it’s a “movie,” and “Robin Williams” is in it as your “marriage counselor,” but John – please don’t. Don’t leave us. Sure, that Ryan is cute, but Kelly’s got her claws into him two inches deep, and Michael – well, he’s not really a viable option unless it involves a trip to Jamaica. John, you’re all we’ve got. If we can’t pretend that we can prairie dog up over the cube wall and, somehow, see you sitting there, well – we have nothing to live for, John.

I hope you take this advice. Tell Mandy Moore to watch her back.

Love and kisses…sweet, sweet kisses,
American Women (and possibly some men too)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is NOW]
John Krasinski: I'm funny, attractive, and safe. I appeal primarily to single women 18-35 in the middle to upper middle class demographic, which is, I think, why Mandy Moore is in love with me.
Mandy Moore: Sorry about the record deal when I was in high school. Now, I'm a Hollywood version of a "real" woman, because I wear a size 6. I'm also funny, attractive, and safe. Let's get married, John Krasinski.
[they KISS in a SAFE, but AMUSING way]
Robin Williams: [in the VOICE of Fat Albert] Hey hey hey, kids!! Sure you wanna get married? Well, I'm going to test you to see if you can hack it!
[he DEVISES a bunch of CRAZY tests for them]
John Krasinski: [looks at camera CUTELY] I don't think this is going to turn out well.
Mandy Moore: Who are you talking to?
John Krasinski: No one…[looks at camera APOLOGETICALLY]
Robin Williams: [in the VOICE of Richard Nixon] I am not a crook, nor am I going to lead you down the wrong path.
[he takes them to a HOSPITAL to show them what COULD happen if they get KNOCKED UP]
Birthing Mother-to-Be: AAAAAAAAAAAA! [breathes in a LAMAZE fashion]
Robin Williams: [in the VOICE of Elmer Fudd] I'm hunting newbown babies.
[he PULLS the baby out and HANDS it to the COUPLE, who are COVERED in PLACENTA, then he RUNS around the room, WHOOPING]
Robin Williams: [in a FRENCH accent] Jen e sais quoi! Suis un lunatique!
John Krasinski: Seriously. What are you doing, dude?
Robin Williams: [explodes]
Mandy Moore: Ew. Now I have placenta and Robin Williams on me.
John Krasinski: Wanna make out, so all the girls can wish they were you?
Mandy Moore: They do anyway.
[they MAKE OUT, then get MARRIED]

2 comments:

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

Robin Williams: [explodes]

This made me laugh for twelve minutes. Robin Williams makes me want to take a nap.

Emily Sue said...

Krasinki's moving up! Next movie starring with George Clooney and Renee Zellweger, director is Clooney! Main role! Oh, and he's directing his own movies now, too. What can't this man do? I love him.