3.09.2007

Sight Unseen: Blades of Glory

Surely you must have heard about this movie already. It's Will Ferrell doing what he does best: ridiculousness. Hell fucking yeah.
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[it is the OLYMPICS]
Will Ferrell: Wig? Check. Ridiculously unflattering costume? Check. Pee-in-your-pants comedy stylings? Double check. Let’s do some ice skating.
Napoleon Dynamite: Awesome. But not until you concede that I am totally awesomer than you.
Will Ferrell: I will beat your ass, Napoleon!! I will beat your ass until your ass is no longer recognizable as an ass and has to be labeled “ass” just so people know what it is!
Napoleon Dynamite: Shut up, my name’s not Napoleon!
[they FIGHT on the ICE and it is HILARIOUS]
Olympics: You are banned from men’s skating.
Will Ferrell: Men’s skating? Not just skating? That gives me an idea…
[Survivor’s “EYE OF THE TIGER” plays over a MONTAGE of Will and Napoleon or whatever his name is LEARNING to skate as a TEAM and it is HILARIOUS]
Amy Poehler: Oh HEEEELLLLLLLLL no! They can NOT skate in our category!
Will Arnett: [in a GRAVELLY, extremely HOT voice] We will take them down.
[they DEVISE a plan in which Amy Poehler SEDUCES one or BOTH of their rivals, and it is HILARIOUS, but it does not work]
Will Ferrell: [RUBBING himself] You like this? Yeah, you do. You know it.
[he DISROBES for some reason and it is HILARIOUS]
Napoleon Dynamite: This is awkward, especially because I’m, like, not that funny.
[he CRIES and it is NOT HILARIOUS]
Will Ferrell: Well, it’s finally here, partner. Let’s rock this shit. And by “shit,” I mean “skating competition.” And by “rock,” I mean, “win.” Just to clarify.
Napoleon Dynamite: Coo –
Will Ferrell: I think you’ve said enough, don’t you?
[they SKATE to the STRAINS of a song by JOURNEY, and it is AMAZING, and also HILARIOUS]
Amy Poehler and Will Arnett: Nooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[they COLLAPSE on the ICE]
Olympics: We forgive you, but sadly, you cannot win, as everyone hates gays.
Amy Poehler and Will Arnett: Yesssssssssssssssssssssss!!
Will Ferrell: Well, at least we learned a lesson. A lesson about truth, and hard work, and America, and skating, and gayness. And gayness.
[he CARRIES Napoleon Dynamite into the SUNSET to the strains of Pete Townshend’s “Let My Love Open the Door (To Your Heart)”]

3 comments:

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

After reading these Sight Unseen summaries, if I ever find myself in the unfortunate situation of actually SEEING one of these movies, I am going to be SO CONFUSED. "Wait, where's the scene with the Journey song? Did they cut that?"

Movie Maven said...

Fortunately, I'm psychic, so absolutely everything in my Sight Unseens will come true.

jeremy said...

youre amazing, movie maven!
amazing.