3.23.2007

Jurassic Park


[it is the 1990s]
Laura Dern: OMG, Honey! This scientist has something amazing – and SECRET – on this island! Let’s go! Also, can we please have kids?
Sam Neill: I have a really bad feeling about this. I hope it’s not something dangerous and possibly unethical, albeit REALLY AWESOMELY scientifically advanced. And no. On the kid thing.
[they GO to some island in a HELICOPTER, which SCARES Sam Neill and shows his VULNERABLE side]
Richard Attenborough: Welcome! Welcome! I am avuncular and jolly! I love people! I love science! Hooray for my island?
Sam Neill: What’s so special about this stup – WHAAA?
[a HUGE PLANT-EATING DINOSAUR walks up]
Richard Attenborough: That’s right, bitches! DINOSAURS!
Jeff Goldblum: I, hmm, I don’t know [inhales DEEPLY] about this idea, because, well, the chaos theory and butterflies, and DAMN, Laura Dern, you are looking like one fine-ass paleobotanist to me!
Little Boy and Teen Girl: We like you, Sam Neill!
Sam Neill: [grumble]
[back at the TECHNOLOGY CENTER that controls EVERYTHING on the WHOLE ISLAND]
Newman: Hahahahaha!! I’ll steal these dinosaur embryos and sell them! Suckers!!
[he CUTS the POWER]
Samuel L. Jackson: Hold on to your butts.*
[he tries SOME PLAN to REBOOT the park, but the POWER remains OUT]
T-Rex: Raaaarrrrrrrrr! No more electrified fences!! Raaaarrrrrrr!
[she ATTACKS the CAR that Sam Neill and the kids are in, and they have to ESCAPE]
Laura Dern: Nooooooooo!
Crazy Australian Dinosaur Wrangler: We’re being hunted.*
Raptor: [gazes CUNNINGLY at him]
Crazy Australian Dinosaur Wrangler: Clever girl.*
Laura Dern: [running GIMPILY] AAAAAAAAA!
[she TURNS the power back ON just as the little boy is climbing the ELECTRIFIED FENCE]
Sam Neill: I will save you!
[he DOES]
Teen Girl: You’re so dreamy!
[meanwhile, ELSEWHERE]
Newman: I’m lost!
Dinosaur That Spits Poison Tar or Something: Sssssssssssss!!! Die!!
Newman: Oh no! My comeuppance!
[Sam Neill, Teen Girl and Little Boy RETURN to the VISITOR CENTER and get CHASED in a KITCHEN and also in the TECHNOLOGY CENTER THING PLACE by the RAPTORS]
T-Rex: Rarrrrrr! Mmmmmm! Raptors!
[she EATS one]
Other Raptors: Bitch, don’t MAKE me take off my earrings!
[they FIGHT, but obviously the T-REX wins because it’s the MOST AWESOMEST** DINOSAUR EVER]
Sam Neill: Can we please go back to the mainland and never speak of this again?
Producers of the film: Yeeeahhhh…no. Sequels. Sorry.
[ba-da-da BAH BAH, ba-da-da BAH BAH, ba-da-da-ba BAH DAH BAAAAAAH]

*actual line from film
**statement unconfirmed at press time. Triceratops may be awesomer.

5 comments:

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

I love this movie. I also love that you bothered to specifically recap the "clever girl" line becaues that's the definitely the best part of the movie (rivaled only by the adorable dino that becomes freaky and kills Newman).

Russell said...

That’s right, bitches! DINOSAURS!

I must now bide my time until I can use this phrase in normal conversation. Oh, how sweet that day will be!

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

Also, how is it that Jeff Goldblum is somehow simultaneously hot and kind of annoying? Am I the only person who finds Jeff Goldblum weirdly hot and weirdly annoying?

Movie Maven said...

HE IS COMPLETELY BOTH THOSE THINGS. Like you would make out with him, but then be like, "just go."

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

A mini movie of that scene just played out in my mind (for some reason, you were wearing a wig, don't ask). It was hilarious and I laughed out loud. Four out of five stars.