3.15.2007

Guest Post: Witness



This is how this one happened, via gmailchat:
Laura: my office is a very poor man's devil wears prada
me: could be worse
could be a poor man's...
uh
pan's labyrinth
Laura: lol
or a poor man's norma rae or something
clothes-wise
a poor man's witness
oooh, witness would be a good ultra-condensed
me: YES
amish = fodder for comedy
Laura: always
and unexpected viggo is always good
me: oh yeeeaaahhhh
Laura: aw yeah
viggo
in plain dress
me: lol
hot/inoffensive
to the lord
Laura: lol
nice combo
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is PENNSYLVANIA, in the EIGHTIES]
Amish Woman: Let's go visit some relatives on a train, little son! It is strange to be away from Amish country, but we shall return soon.
Little Amish Boy: [STARES in a CREEPY yet CUTE manner]
Amish Woman: To the water closet with thee, little man!
[the little boy GOES to the BATHROOM and WITNESSES Danny Glover COMMITTING murder]
Harrison Ford: I'll be handling your case, as I am a hard-boiled detective who doesn't play by the rules.
[he TAKES the Amish people to the POLICE STATION where the CREEPY little boy POINTS out a PICTURE of Danny Glover, who HAPPENS to be a COP]
Harrison Ford: Promiscuous sister, put up these Amish strangers in your house while I bust this case wide open.
Patti Lupone: I hate my brother. And these Amish weirdoes.
[he GOES to his BOSS'S house to TELL him about the POLICE CONSPIRACY, and then gets WOUNDED by Danny Glover in a PARKING GARAGE, since they are all IN on IT]
Harrison Ford: Come on Amish people, I'll drive you home. You're not safe here.
Amish Woman: You don't look so good, man.
[Harrison Ford TRIES to LEAVE, but FAINTS at the WHEEL and DRIVES into a BIRDHOUSE]
Crusty Old Amish Man: We shall nurse this English back to health. However, I shall remain distrustful of him and his gun-toting ways.
[Harrison Ford RECOVERS and starts LIVING the Amish LIFESTYLE, wearing PLAIN clothes and RAISING a BARN with the OTHER Amish, such as VIGGO MORTENSEN]
Crusty Old Amish Man: Let's drive our buggies into town.
Ignorant Locals: Hey, it's those stupid Amish! Let's fuck with them.
[Harrison Ford BEATS them down, INDICATING the vast DIFFERENCE between the PEACE-LOVING Amish and VIOLENCE-LOVING movie audiences]
Harrison Ford: Okay, time to get out of Amish country. Better fix my car and escape.
Amish Woman: Wait, I might love you!!!
[they DANCE in a BARN to an OLDIES song, and it is really CUTE, and then she SHOWS him her BOOBS]
Crusty Old Amish Man: You must not be swayed by the English ways!
[they are TORN between TWO WORLDS]
Harrison Ford's Corrupt Police Boss: Oh yeah, remember this whole "witness" thing that gives the movie its name? I'm here to kill that witness kid.
[Harrison Ford ELUDES the GUN-TOTING cop by USING Amish people as a HUMAN SHIELD in a DRAMATIC climax]
Harrison Ford: I have learned so much about love and respect for the simple Amish ways. Time to get the hell out of this crazy place.
[he DRIVES off INTO the SUNSET, managing NOT to FAINT and CRASH this time]

1 comment:

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

Dear Anna,

I require at least one new Ultra Condensed Movie Review per hour to get me through the day. Studies have shown that it takes approximately one hour for the laughter to die down. If the review is especially comical, we may be able to extend this a bit. I realize it is impossible for you to watch movies at this rate, particularly while you are at work. Please work on this.

Love,
Laurie