Guest Post: Being Julia

Acting is hard. But acting like an actor? That's the hardest of all. So much meta-performance. Laura McClain lets us in on a secret: diva-fits are the way to get what you want, always.
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[it is LONDON in the TWENTIES]
Annette Bening: So tired! Being a grande dame is EXHAUSTING! I need a break from my adoring public and critical raves!
[she HAS the FIRST of many HUGE DIVA-FITS]
Jeremy Irons: Can you believe how light and humorous I am in this movie? So droll and surprisingly attractive!
[he INTRODUCES Julia to a YOUNG American]
Young American Chap: Gee, Miss Julia, you sure are swell! What other quaint American slang phrases can I use to illustrate how apple-pie, aw-sucks gosh-darn charming I am?
Annette Bening: You remind me of my youth. And I like that you think I' m hot, though I 'm old enough to be your - no, I won 't say it!
[they GET it ON]
Annette Bening: This scandalous affair with a near-teen has invigorated me! I want to drink beer and exercise and raise the timbre of my deep man-voice!
[she DOES all these THINGS while BRAVELY smiling and SHOWING her DEEP laugh lines, EARNING the RESPECT of those who are ANTI-BOTOX]
Annette Bening: Wooo! Let' s have a picturesque party on a lake! I 'll bring my husband and boy-toy! It 's somehow accepted in prim English society!
[her boy-toy FLIRTS with a PRETTY yet DUMB girl]
Annette Bening: Aargh! Baaaah! DIVA RAGE!!!!!
Jeremy Irons: Let' s produce a new play. I must find a young ingénue to play opposite you, Julia.
Young American Chap : Um - I have this "friend " that would be perfect.
[he MAKES Julia HIRE the PRETTY yet DUMB girl, and then BREAKS up with HER]
Jeremy Irons: Sounds great! I think I shall have my own scandalous affair with this pretty young piece.
[he DOES]
Annette Bening: You may think you have won, husband and boy-toy, but my wrinkles shall have the last laugh!
[she ACTS really NICE, thus EARNING the TRUST of the PRETTY yet DUMB girl, then hilariously HUMILIATES her on OPENING NIGHT by UPSTAGING her and EXPOSING her AFFAIR]
Jeremy Irons: That was evil and awesome. I love Julia again.
Pretty Dumb Girl: That cow! I never want to act again!
Jeremy Irons: Sorry, you signed a lifelong contract.
Pretty Dumb Girl: NOOOOO!
[Julia BASKS in her REVENGE and WISDOM and DRINKS a HUGE glass of BEER at a RESTAURANT, because LEARNING to love YOURSELF is the GREATEST love of ALL]