The Da Vinci Code

International posters are so telling, aren't they? "Sakrileg" is a way better name for this book/film, because it makes it sound like the schlocky, lowest-common denominator work of festering insipidity (is that a word?) that it is. "The Da Vinci Code" makes it sound like it's going to be intellectual or something.

And yes, I really did see this film. In the theater. I will have you know, however, that I did not pay for it and saw it primarily in order to have a foundation for hating it.

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[it is PARIS]
Tom Hanks: Behold my long, lustrous, leonine hair. I hide my acting talent in it, especially in this film. But you know I'm important because of the hair.
Audrey Tautou: Mais oui. Zis man is dead. 'E was mon grandpere. Let us seek 'is killer together.
Audience: Pander! Pander to our love of already-popular movie stars!
[they CRACK codes that any ARMCHAIR CRYPTOGRAPHER would have no trouble cracking]
Tom Hanks: Oh no! This code is something only a professional could crack. That's no fun for the audience.
Audience: Pander! Pander to our stupidity!
Ian McKellen: I can't be evil, because I'm a cripple.
[he BETRAYS them and GIMPS away]
Ian McKellen: Suckas!!!!
Paul Bettany: Well, you all know I'm bad, because I'm an albino.
Audience: Yes! Pander! Pander to our hatred of albin…wait, who hates albinos?
Tom Hanks: Hold on, I'm getting another vision.
[he sees a HISTORY CHANNEL special in his MIND, which is apparently the method by which he SOLVES MYSTERIES]
Tom Hanks: Oh, I get it now. You're a descendant of Jesus! Those crazy-ass Catholics tried to cover your family line.
Audrey Tautou: Zat seems completely plausible. Merci for 'elping me.
Audience: Pander! Pander to our hatred of Catholicism, and love of historical fiction, which, you may recall, is called "fiction" for a reason!!
[they get STUPIDER]