The Fountain

Originally published in November 2006.
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bald hugh jackman: don't worry, tree in a bubble. i'll protect you.
rachel weisz's voice: finish it.

bald hugh jackman: i don't know how it ends!! and i'm in some sort of spacey-future-metaphor bubble!
[he FLOATS in some sort of NEBULA]
audience: what is going on?!?!?
rachel weisz: let's go walk in the snow. i have cancer.
dr. hugh jackman: i can't! i need to do this cancer research so i can cure you!
rachel weisz: okay, well, read my almost-finished manuscript. we're in it. you're a conquistador and i'm the queen of spain! cool, right?
[she falls ASLEEP while he READS]
conquistador hugh jackman: i will die for spain.
queen rachel weisz: go find the fountain of youth, please. a mayan told me about it.
[sends him on a crazy MISSION to SOUTH AMERICA]
darren aronofsky: i wonder just how close i can get the camera to everyone's faces without it getting crazy? [there is a series of INCREDIBLY CLOSE close-ups]
dr. hugh jackman: have we found a cure for cancer?
ellen burstyn: yes.
rachel weisz: [DIES]
dr. hugh jackman: noooooooooooooo! [he continues reading the MANUSCRIPT]
conquistador hugh jackman: hello, scary native man. i will fight you as a metaphor for fighting death.
scary native man: oh, i guess you're a god of some kind. here, kill me.
audience: what?!?!?
bald hugh jackman: i have finished the book! [GLOWS brightly until the AUDIENCE is blinded]
conquistador hugh jackman: hooray, the tree of life!
[he drinks the SAP but then turns into a huge pile of FLOWERS]
darren aronofsky: behold, my child's mother is the most beautiful woman in the world, and i am the deepest man ever! muhahahaha!
audience: um...okay.

visual effects: A
parallel storylines: A
continuity: D
comprehensibility: D-
overblown pretentiousness: A++