Snakes on a Plane

Originally published on my old blog in March of 2006.
"But, Movie Maven," you might be thinking, "Snakes on a Plane came out in August. How did you DO that?" This was written at the height of the internet frenzy that was Snakes on a Plane mania, or "Snakes-on-a-plania," if you will. I attempted to condense a movie that I had not seen. I think you'll find it worked out rather well, actually.
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[we are at the AIRPORT]
Adorable Child: Daddy, why do you have to go on a plane?
Samuel L. Jackson: Daddy has a very important job. This nice lady here [gestures to WITNESS] saw some bad men do some bad things, and I need to protect her.
Adorable Child: Bye, Daddy! Bye, Nice Lady!
[they get on the PLANE]
Hot Stewardess: Can I get you anything, sir?
Samuel L. Jackson: A Royale with cheese might be nice.
[various SECONDARY PASSENGER CHARACTERS are introduced, including]
Angry Southerner: When in the Sam Hill is this plane gon' take off?
Mother with Child Intended to Represent the Child of the Main Character: Don't worry, sweetie. We'll be home real soon.
Kid Who Seems Sketchy At First But Eventually Helps Save the Day: [listens to headphones]
Guy Who Actually Turns Out to Be Sketchy: [ogles Hot Stewardess, then finds and releases SNAKES!!! ON A PLANE!!!]
Everyone: OH NO!!! SNAKES!!!! ON A PLANE!!!
Huge Fucking CGI Snake: SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
Angry Southerner: Git off me! Git off me! Nooooooooo!
[the SNAKES take over the PLANE]
Mother with C.I.T.R.T.C.O.T.M.C.: That snake's trying to eat my child!!
Samuel L. Jackson: Hell naw!
[kills SNAKE]
Another Super Scary CGI Snake: SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
Pilot: My God! I've been bitten by a snake!
K.W.S.S.A.F.B.E.H.S.T.D: I can fly a plane!
[they make an EMERGENCY LANDING]
Actual Sketchy Guy: Everyone stay back or I'll shoot this witness!
Witness: Look out! A SNAKE!!!
[the SKETCHY GUY is killed by a SNAKE in a stunning IRONY]
Samuel L. Jackson: Thank God. [hugs child]